humility

introspection: am I living a life with that mindset? is that what my heart aligns with? 

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. 

Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 

But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by mankind and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads; ‘He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him; let him rescue him, for he delights in him!’

Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts. On you was I cast from my birth, and from my mother’s womb you have been my God. Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help.”

Psalm 22:1-11

My first thoughts: How the heck does David have the balls to even say that God forsook him? 

Then my preceding thoughts:  I feel like God forsakes me too sometimes. I feel like God is far from saving me. I feel like I cry to him and he doesn’t answer. In fact, I feel like that right now.

But whenever I think those thoughts, I feel guilty.  “How could I think that. I shouldn’t think that about God because he obviously never leaves us nor forsakes us” But man, those are my honest feelings and God already knows them so there’s no point hiding those thoughts. God wants to hear it all, even if it’s the most immature, un-”God-fearing, mature woman of Christ”-like thing. It’s not about guilting myself into thinking those thoughts are wrong and weak, but it’s about being able to rise from those thoughts because the truth wins - not some head knowledge, but actual truth that resonates in the heart. 

Here, David is crying out to God, asking why he’s forsaken him. I don’t know how far apart David wrote Psalm 21 and Psalm 22 but he seems pretty bipolar to me. The two chapters are literally titled “The King Rejoices in the Lord’s Strength” and “Why Have You Forsaken Me?” 

In a weird way, these two chapters stick out to me because everything he’s saying sounds so familiar. First he’s all “praise da lawd he is so great!!” and then right after he’s like “God.... where you at..... I need help...” but let’s be real, that’s my heart speaking. 

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post but I was just sitting in bed and I felt empty, like my soul needed Jesus, so I picked up my sister’s bible and this is the chapter that the bookmark was laying on. I don’t really have any eloquent words, even though I wish I did.. I’ll actually probably end up reading this post later and hating it because my writing is gross. But I just wanted to document the rawness of David’s heart when he was crying out to God in this psalm. And just like David, I don’t need to hide what I’m feeling from God and even from myself. 

And another thing I love about this passage is that even though there’s so much real pain and heart wrenching questions lifted up to God, David truly truly believes in his heart that God is still so good. I see him fighting his flesh and struggling between what he’s feeling and what is truth. 

In verses 3-5 and 9-11, God’s truth becomes David’s truth. And even in this chapter of psalms, no matter how much David is struggling, his heart is at peace in the end because God’s truth is his. Then he goes on to Psalm 23 where he’s all “Lawd you are my shepherd, you make me lie in green pastures and you lead me beside still waters, restoring my soul.” 

I want to be all strong and mature but I’m not. I hate having to fully rely on God and being humbled in this way because I hate not being in control and relying on someone other than myself, but Abba I want to give up my control to you. But just how many times do I have to be reminded of this truth and rededicate this life to you? 

The last time I wrote about David, I concluded that nothing was ever about David.. (lol). Everything is God’s story and for His purpose... But after finishing 1 Kings, I see how sprinkled in this big picture and story God wrote, He continues to remember his faithful servant.

“Now in the eighteenth year of King Jeroboam the son of Nebat, Abijam began to reign over Judah. He reigned for three years in Jerusalem. His mother’s name was Maccah the daughter of Abishalom. And he walked in all the sins that his father did before him, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father. Nevertheless, for David’s sake the Lord his God gave him a lamp in Jerusalem, setting up his son after him, and establishing Jerusalem, because David did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and did not turn aside from anything that he commanded him all the days of his Life, except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite.”  - 1 Kings 15:1-5

I don’t know. It’s something I only noticed because it was mentioned more than once throughout this book. Even though some of these kings who succeeded David were not Godly men, the Lord still remembered and was so faithful because of his servant David. This captures my heart because.. who are we, that the King of Kings remembers us and is faithful to us? And if I remember correctly, David wasn’t all that perfect either... but God’s grace, love, and faithfulness overcame his imperfections. He understands, he forgives, he continues to love. 

I’m almost at the end of 2 Samuel but after I finished QT today I kind of looked back on the previous passages in 2 Samuel and David’s prayer of gratitude in chapter 7 caught my eyes. 

“’Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord God.’” 7:18-19

“Because of your promise, and according to your own heart, you have brought about all this greatness, to make your servant know it. Therefore you are great, O Lord God. For there is none like you and there is no God besides you, according to all that we have heard with our ears.” 7:21-22

“And now, O Lord God, you are God, and your words are true, and you have promised this good thing to your servant.” 7:28

Wow. These verses stuck out to me as I read it again because I realize that David went through so much crap before these verses, such as being hunted down by King Saul, and he also goes through so much crap after these verses too. He falls into his temptations and sins with Bathsheba, he has to run away from his own land because he gets his kingdom taken away from him by Absalom... all those things suck so much but as I read those verses of gratitude, they still rang truth even in the light of everything that happened to King David before and after that moment. Looking at the big picture of David’s life and God’s plans, those verses of gratitude still rang truth in every moment because God is good and great and His promises were true every moment that David faced. Certain sections of this book showed David’s downfall, his weakness, his sorrow, other sections showed his power, his righteousness in God’s eyes, and his faithfulness, but through it all God remains the same - ever good and constant and loving - and by ‘loving,’ I don’t always mean a tender love. Sometimes God showed love through rebuke or through the hard circumstances in David’s life, but that doesn’t mean God left David or loved him any less. 

And reflecting on David’s life, I see a lot of parallelism to my life. Of course I’ve never been persecuted to the point where I was drive out of my country or almost murdered multiple times throughout my life, but generally speaking, I’ve had highs in my life and also valleys in my life - and I will have many more in the years to come. But like David’s story, my life is a big book that God is writing and those moments of gratitude still ring truth throughout every page of my book, even the unwritten ones, and I must remember that. 

Again, “because of your promise, and according to your own heart, you have brought about all this greatness to make your servant know it. Therefore you are great, O Lord God. For there is none like you and there is no God besides you, according to all that we have heard with our ears.” 

Rediscovering joy in Your creations, Your love, & who You are

Yet again I find myself at the foot of Your Cross, unable to deny Your steady work, Your beautiful purpose, and Your never-failing faithfulness 

Abba I am speechless, but you know everything impressed in my heart

“Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself.” - 1 Samuel 12:20-22

*** Some context: So basically, Samuel is speaking to the people of Israel after they realize what evil they had done by begging God to bring them a king to rule over them. This was considered evil because it showed how the Israelites didn’t fully trust God to lead them as their King and instead wanted a king of their own because they saw how all the other nations had kings leading them. A classic case of a child having everything he needs but starts begging his daddy for more things he is very well-off without just because all the other kids have other ‘~cOoL~’ things.

“But Goddddd, I want a king who can lead our nation!” “Why do you need a king when you have me, the greatest King leading your nation???” “Because I want one! All the other nations have kings!! Why can’t we have one!” *proceeds to throw a temper tantrum* “Oh my God... Samuel I’m going to appoint them a king...” 

So after all the begging, Saul was appointed as king and after some victories against the Ammonites this verse is where the Israelites realize how they were such unfaithful people to the Lord and Samuel is encouraging them by reminding them of God’s love for them and how they should keep striving after the Lord. Basically. Haha.... just kidding... I’m pretty sure the Israelites weren’t a bunch of spoiled kids throwing temper tantrums on the floor of the toy section in Target........ oh man..... is it blasphemous to speak about the Bible in this way...!?

*** I am not, nor do I claim to be, a professional or educated Bible analyzer/critic/interpreter ....lololololololol.........

Anyways...... Here I am. Yet again I am left sitting here after reading this Bible wondering how in the world I have such similarities with the Israelites. I get ittt - they suck, I suck, we all suck. But you know what, this verse is supposed to be an encouragement. It says “DO NOT BE AFRAID; you have done all this evil.” It acknowledges the evil. But after that it also says “DO NOT TURN ASIDE FROM FOLLOWING THE LORD, BUT SERVE THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART.” It says “Do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver.” Why? Because they. are. empty. And last but not least, “The Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself.”

He still loves me. He loves me so so much. And that’s something I really withdrew from this semester because I beat myself down so many times thinking of how much I failed and I didn’t let His truth and love overcome my weaknesses.... but Lord you knew I needed to hear this. 

And now... “Only fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you.” v. 24