Every Single Day

Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep, and you are in California, Australia, wide awake. Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you. Maybe you are not ready for love. Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type. Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered. Maybe love is only there for a month. Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit. Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t.

I will not tell you to get over the person you’re thinking about… that would make me a hypocrite. I will not belittle what you’re going through by repeating tired old platitudes like ‘it gets better’, ‘you’ll find someone better’ or ‘you deserve better’… I will not tell you that you’re holding onto ashes when the fire has long since burned out or that the rest of your life is waiting for you the moment you are ready to accept that the past is behind you… These are all things you’re probably not ready to hear and you need to realize them for yourself. But the one thing I will tell you this; I know how it feels to miss somebody. It feels like you’re dying inside. Like you can actually feel your heart ripping and tearing because it so desperately wants to be where happiness is, but you were foolish enough to find happiness in a person – which everyone says not to do – and now they’re gone and they’ve taken your happiness away with them. I know that feeling of helplessness… that confusion of staring at empty hands that used to have everything but suddenly seem to have nothing… I know that pain. I know it all too well… and I feel it. I feel it until I can’t feel any more and then I start to heal a little and I feel it all over again. So no, I won’t tell you to get over the person you’re thinking about like it’s something easy you should have mastered yourself by now because it’s not… it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But what I will tell you is you’re not doing this alone and if you promise to keep trying… so will I…

When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?

My only hope is that one day I can love myself as much as I love you.

Loving someone means taking the risk that they might f*ck up your nicely ordered little life.

“Taylor Swift couldn’t go to the Women’s March because she’s too famo-”

I Love Her I love her. I admit it. After a year of the same thing, constantly denying the fact that I am indeed in love with my best friend. We were perfect, we could still be perfect and things were always amazing. The only issue was that she fell for another and sadly there was nothing I could do about it. So I dreamed. I hoped and prayed countless times. Soon my normal energetic days turned into depression and tears. Every night was sleepless or barely any sleep at all. I love her and I don’t ever want to let her go. I want to have her and hold her. I want to love her. I really do. I’d treat her like a goddess and make sure that she was always happy. I’d protect her through everything. I just wish that she would love me back. She never will though. I may hope and wish and dream but no matter what nothing will change. I’ve made a mistake. I fell for her. I am still falling for her and there’s nothing I can f**king do about it. I see how she looks at him. How she cares about him. How she wants him. She once looked at me like that. Like I was the only one to make her happy. I was the only one to calm her down. All I had to do was hug her, pull her in close and hold her tight and seal it all off with three words. Three fucking words that mean nothing coming out of my mouth. All I ever had to say to her was “I love you.” That’s all she ever wanted to hear. And now it means nothing. I can’t love her. I have to move on. I can’t forever love the same girl. There’s someone else that loves her. She loves him more. She will always love him more. I am nothing to her. I will never be anything to her. I’m done dreaming. I’m done hoping. I’m done praying. Nothing has worked. So now, I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye to her, to us, to love entirely. I don’t want to have this feeling ever again. I don’t want to go through this ever again. I want this to be the end. And now it is. This is how this chapter is ending. This is how all of this is going to end.  I once loved you. And there is a part of me that always will, but I’m done. I hope things are good for you and will always be.

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