misfit-ella

I won’t deny it anymore, to avoid some future psychological problem in me.

Today and these days, I feel a very intense positive feeling about my love partner. I don’t know why, but it’s just so intense. Could be because we didn’t have a chance to meet often, or because we’re being vulnerable more, or because the brain chemicals after our intimate moments. But since the first time we decided to accompany each other, I feel it’s just getting better and better (note that we just started about several months ago, not years, so maybe it’s only about the oxytocin troops. duh. hehe). It’s more like our emotional bond is just getting better and deeper. I love it. I really, really love it.

I said to him “good night” Here I am, still sauntering in the dark

Pagi tadi, sebuah ketukan di pintuku

Membawa bayangmu di belakangnya

"Rindu", katanya..

Rindu itu madu

Manis..

Rindu itu perdu

Hidup..

Rindu itu sendu

Melankolis..

Sekaligus syahdu

Dalam..

Lalu aku jalan

Mengitari nafas pagi yang mulai teratur

Membiarkan angin mengangkut serpihan rindu ini

Biar perlahan hilang dirawat alam

Siapa tahu ia berhembus ke arahmu

Singgahkan belaian di wajahmu,

 atau kecup halus di pelupuk matamu

Dan kalau beruntung, sempat bisikkan,

Darling...

I love you.. 

Yes, I’ve told you about that

But I don’t know which one you see

I love you like the sea

Like the sea, with its width until the sun’s façade. Like the sea with its depth until the part that the sun couldn’t touch. Like the sea with the seagulls’ rejoicing voices and the proud walking boats. Like the sea with its welcoming shores, its playful waves, its inviting corals, and its emotional creatures

Do you see the sea? Or only the shore? Or only the waves?

Well.. I don’t know...

Anyway, it’s a sea..

It stays there, and you are free to come and go, you are free to do anything, you are free to be yourself

Scary..

That’s the conclusion of my feelings.

I fell too deep to his world. 

I fell too hard to his soul.

This hand, will push the “give everything” button, in any moment he ask me to.

Scary, right?

Because you’ll give everything you have.

You know that everything you have now is not yours anymore.

But you still nod for that.

Nod then nod.

You’re ready to donate your feelings, your mind, your physic, your soul - your whole life.

Scary, right?

Yes, it’s scary, but this is the scary type of feeling that you always looked for.

Like the scary feeling of death that keep you live.

Like the scary feeling of a phobia that save you.

Hello!

It’s been a while since my last post..

Okay..

Tomorrow, I’ll hang out (or maybe you can call it a date :3) with a man who has hijacked my mind and my heart for this last one year. I’ve posted some things about him in some of my previous posts. Well, I still don’t know what will happen tomorrow, how we’ll connect and try to know each other, but one thing I know, everything’s gonna be fine.

By the way this is my first date again since 2 years ago, after my broke up with my boyfriend.

Honestly, I feel nervous. Well who doesn’t. I read some articles about dating tips, questions about what to ask on first date, fun date ideas, and of course articles about “signs he likes you”. I even washed my motorcycle (because he’ll use public transportation to get to my place and we’ll use my motorcycle to go to the date venue. He’s about 1 hour ride from my place by the way. Did I ever mention that?).

But, I still feel nervous and everything. I keep searching what things I have to prepare, until I found an article about loving someone unconditionally.

I read it and something slaps me very hard. And that something is my own heart, my own mind, myself. I always search for a true connection, a true intimacy, a true definition of loving someone, but why I have to prepare. Well, yeah of course we have to prepare and not blindfolded-ly go to a date, so to speak. But, it’s actually not what I’m looking for.

I’m not looking for a perfect date anymore, that means I don’t have to be perfect. And also because actually deep down I don’t want him to be perfect. I want him to show his imperfection in front of me, because that’s what will make a love last. Then why the hell I have to be perfect, right?

So, yeah, things I’ll do today is meditate and mediate my own self, to the realm of my deep core, my deep shadow and light. To know about me more, to make myself a fun person to myself.

And tomorrow, I’ll present myself, my odd and sweet side, my dark and cheerful side, my bad and good habits, and my lessons I’ve learned and my hopes for my future.

Well like the title; this one will be another stupid diary of me. About my lost-and-found self.

I kinda lost myself and found myself in the same time these days. No, these months. It’s like “apparation” or “portkey” in Harry Potter. But a sudden one. So it’s like when I touch something, I suddenly moved to a place, whether it’s familiar or a new one. Then when I already walk deeper to know that place, even like it already, I touch something then I was moved again. Made me feel jet-lag, dizzy. It happened a couple of time, until I started to acknowledge the pattern. The pattern to myself. The pattern to what I want, to answers I seek.

Yes, those “portkey”s appear between my college tasks, my procrastination behaviour to them, my struggling to manage myself, my motivation to be a psychologist, my vision to be a world-changer, my new complicated FWB relationship with my best friend, my discovery to my dark side, my deep feeling to this guy, my theater hobby, and also my family problem. They are the places, where I keep circling around randomly between them. And that’s shit. It’s fucked up. It’s a mess.

When I try to see clearly and try to find a solution for it, the portkey just shows up again and take me to another place. It’s like I want to enjoy all the ride but it’s too complicated, and me myself is messy. But honestly I kinda want it more and more. This complication just started to make sense for me. Don’t know why.

I don’t know but I kinda feel that I finally know why I came to this place. Why I decided to take my master degree instead of taking a job first. Maybe I have to so I can meet him. Maybe.... I begin to realize that I have to go through that uncertainty with G (the guy that I sent a letter to), so I finally go to this place. Well, life is that tricky yet magical in the same time. Trick and magic, yes, like a rabbit and a hat. Unbelievable yet beautiful.

So, are you ready?

Yes, I am!

Ready to ride the roller coaster? Ready to sail the pacific ocean? Ready to feel angel and evil in the same time?

YES!!

Ready to go through it all with this special man?

YES!!

Ready to trust, to grow, to support, and the most challenging, to love?

I AM READY!!