Two stunning winners â¨ī¸

Love Begins
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if i look back, i am lost

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@themerrymisnomer
Two stunning winners â¨ī¸

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I wish I knew where we stood. Wish I could ask these burning questions that have no answers.
Your words feel hollow when we talk. Our conversations don't flow. I know the love is gone and the relationship is dead. I wish the both of em would have had the decency to delete me and just end it for good. I guess I'm a bigger idiot for wanting to still be friends. Ethical non-monogamy or something. It doesn't really work. My ex metas dont talk to me no one wants to talk and I've given up forcing them to try. Bizarre that you can throw away a decade relationship and not want real closure. Guess I'm glad marriage never happened.
Pains me to my core every time I see her interact with Twirl, the person who got in my face in my own house after I was disrespected and put down and my feelings trampled on. It pains me to see any instance of him in my friend circles, knowing that I was emotionally jerked around for 11 years and then suddenly we just don't know how to be adults and speak. Thats manipulation. Only on your terms can anything progress. It was always that way. Nothing was ever urgent and months will go by like a whisper.
Life and death are nothing to some people. God how I want off this planet. Love is fickle and friendship isn't real. After the breakup over 50% of my friends decided it was too damn awkward to be around me. That or they believed a lie that I was emotionally manipulative or on some bender or something. All false, but the damage is long done.
I think I should just be honest with myself and declare both of them as strangers. No love or friendship or even decency I guess. So yeah. I should stop letting my heart bleed over all those years I adored them.
I wish I could take it all back. I don't think much of it was deserved.
I hope the gods take me soon. My family is falling apart, my roommate steals from me and thinks I'm her maid, my friends definitely pity me. Every day feels like a curse. And no one cares about the damned. I don't know what I even offer to this world. I'm much better off as fertilizer for the worms. Earth please let me come home.
Its been a whole year and everything in my life has changed mostly for the better. But I still feel the chasm they left behind. I still have questions with no answers. I still wonder whether anything was real for either of them. I still ache for my romantic heart that is nowhere to be found, my whole personality lost in space somewhere. I'm still angry that you all demanded perfection while being emotionally messy yourselves, I was just more open about my issues. I'm still upset that people I thought were friends decided that a breakup would break us up instead of having honest conversations about picking sides after partnerships end. My stomach still turns thinking of all the intimacy I gave so freely for someone who tossed me aside like I was just a night of fun.
Im still here and I don't really want to be. Every day I have to talk with Death and ask her why not today? Its as good a day as any. No one gives two shits about me. Maybe my cat and one or two other people who probably also secretly hate everything about me too. So why am I still here? Stubborn survival instincts? Passing time? Hoping for change?
No. Im chained to this reality because I made someone a promise I'm trying to keep. Someone dead already. I would be more embarassed facing my sister in the afterlife than any of the Gods. I know she would understand but I couldnt tell her I gave up on loving her kid and decided to dip out because life is pain. So for now Im just stable enough to stick around for a kid and not much else.
There just isnt anything left for me here. I wish I could get people to understand that. I've seen enough of humanity and this world and not much has convinced me otherwise in a year.
I've come to terms with the fact that one of those relationships was a charade and not at all real love in any sense, but the other? Its hard to call it anything other than feeling like your soulmate has died. I don't want to move on, I won't get over it, it will always keep me up at night. Those nights I'd happily float away from this Earth it hurts too much. Thinking of the plans I had to propose, the forever home, the dreams. I don't want to do it again, ever.
I wish I could say it was all lies and uncaring unfeeling bullshit like the other one, but it isn't true. Its why I can't cold shoulder, block, ignore carry on. The love never died, but that alone pains me enough to want it all to end with me.
Im built for tragedy I guess. I wish it would hurry up and take me already. If I'm not feeling lost and alone, I'm aching for release that won't come.
Life has improved a lot, good job, beautiful home with roommate, new kitten, but all the residual stuff Im feeling remains the same. Living in my own sweet hell. Is there no way out without finality? Time doesn't heal anything for me. Grief flows through my veins, it keeps me trapped here. I wanna be free.
Limbo is such strange state to be in with anyone. I'd rather just know. I would rather just KNOW. Y'all truly keeping me from chuckin the deuces by pretending we're still cool when its awkward.
Just end the goddamn friendship already. It can't just be me tip-toeing and wondering whether a break-up changed you're ENTIRE perception of who I am. And the silence at this point has to be considered on purpose.
Just delete me like everyone else did so I can start over.
My chains all belong to you all. And I am beggin you to say something or set me fuckin free.

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Still makes my heart flutter when you call me babe. Healing is weird man.
Anyways I have a new cat and her name is Ukulele đ
Still makes my heart flutter when you call me babe. Healing is weird man.
Anyways I have a new cat and her name is Ukulele đ
So frustrated. And my thoughts are just so loud. I've just stopped telling people how bad I want it all to end. Only Gabe gets it but he understands if I don't want to suffer anymore. That keeps me a little grounded I guess.
Sitting in my new house, after a painstaking winter, wondering if it would be rude to die in peace in my room.
***
It makes me physically ill that people who fucked me over are friends with you. So maybe its time to really just call all of that quits. Im tired of their hypocrisy. And I'm tired of this world in general.
I'm in a better place I suppose financially, but every day is a reminder that I still don't want to be here. And I can't really talk about it anymore so..
I'm certain there will be relief that I'm not taking up space anymore. Just a spectre roaming around River city. I don't want to be a ghost though.
I'd... just rather be.. gone.
I spent my Valentines Day eating fish sticks in the dark. Pretty sure it doesn't get much worse than that.
Guess I could be with someone awful who doesn't love me. So bright side I suppose.
Miserable. And alone. If this is destiny then I choose to end the suffering sooner rather than later.
I'm on a lonely planet and no one is coming to save me. Is there any use staying here a day longer? Long enough to write one more journal entry I guess.

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Chapter closed. Nails in the coffin. Had the conversation I needed after 8 months and now I can get on with my life.
And from here on out, if anyone wants to anonymously tell me anything about anyone, I will not respond or reply.
Either be brave and tell me who you are and where you heard this information from or be left in the dark. Its time for everyone to grow the fuck up and stand on business. I'm gonna find the happiness I deserve and all the petty gossip anonymous shit can be left behind in 2024.
Onward.
I changed my mind.
It's just not in my nature to just end it, block it, remove it.
What if someone needs help? In the hospital? Family emergency? Goddess, I'd be a fool to end up like my dad and just be stubborn and let my last words be bad.
Ugh. I am, and I will always be a hopeless romantic.
I just have a lot of less hope these days.
I changed my mind.
It's just not in my nature to just end it, block it, remove it.
What if someone needs help? In the hospital? Family emergency? Goddess, I'd be a fool to end up like my dad and just be stubborn and let my last words be bad.
Ugh. I am, and I will always be a hopeless romantic.
I just have a lot of less hope these days.
Sigh. I think I'm finally really to deleted them from social media. Been made clear that long term friendship isn't really going to work. Enough time has passed. They've both moved on and have new lovers and routines and whatnot. Couldn't even tag me in the post about our cat that we adopted together. That kind of hurt. But I guess I lost that too.
For what its worth I did try to salvage as much as I could, but it is still painful being close, but not together.
I still love you Chantea. All those words I said were all true. I look up at the sky and I see the moon and the stars and there you are starin back.
But time to look at new horizons.
As for other ex well. That wasn't love. And I was a fool. And eventually people find out the hard way that they were on a long list of disappointed people.
I hope you both find the happiness you deserve.
Such an odd feeling, having someone tell you all the reassuring things that you wish someone else would have figured out, to be seen as human and not some monstrosity or perpetual fuck up.
"Hey I just think that you deserve all that comfort and care and softness everyone else claimed for themselves in your past relationships."
"No wonder you were so stressed/not coping well. One partner was emotionally unavailable and the other wasn't hearing you or seeing your cries for support."
"Who pours back into you since you enjoy taking care of people?"
"What exactly did you do wrong? Is it a crime to have feelings after having your heart shattered? Sounds like emotional manipulation. Isn't that what they accused you of?"
"Why were they with you if they didn't accept you for who you are? You accepted them for their flaws. I wouldn't want you to change who you are for someone's idea of you."
And all these questions have me wondering how much happier I might have been had I not given away so many parts of myself to the wrong people. Perhaps good people, nice people, but wrong for me.
Not saying I am happily single, but that it feels nice not being constantly hawked and accused of shit that is just a normal response to a bad time or deep trauma. Being upset about losing my home and my friends to breakups and then being called a narcissist for being upset. Spreading rumors of me being an alcoholic when I, like most my friends, are stoned 23/7 is funny until you tell my mother this and she uses it to emotionally control me. And then later teaming up with her to try and get me commited because I wanted to not be alive. Way to support your ex I guess. Trust the actual narcissist, my mom, to help and not the person you spent 11 years with...? Okay.
But it is confusing when you still have casual conversation with people you felt betrayed by. I must be a masochist I guess. Glutton for punishment. But I guess all this to say it's nice being seen AND feeling cared for tenderly. And it was pretty much the only thing I can say was missing in my past relationships. But I made the mistake of getting used to it and look where I ended up.
Oh well. Anyways starting a new job today so excited about that. I would love 2025 to be gentler and kinder to me, but I have to keep my guard up no matter what. The wolves are everywhere. Some of them are your lovers and friends.

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This is why I didn't want to get excited for something new. Those residual feelings and complicated relationships with that ex is just making it too hard to develop anything deeper. The magic turns into harsh reality quick. And change is hard for most of us, so I'm accepting where you're at with your... roommate. He treats you like you're his whenever I'm around. I won't challenge that. Up to you to make your intentions clearer for everyones sake.
I hope some day I will find someone who chooses me, and continues to choose me. Because this makes me feel disposable in a completely different way than the other relationships. I'm enough to kick it with behind a closed door, but not in any meaningful way. I am a secret. Well I choose not to be that. I hope things do work out for you though. You deserve good love. But you have to break your curses first.
đ
I was dumb to get excited for something new. Thinking a fresh start for me was also a fresh start for you. But I do get it now. He's keeping you close and you can't let him go. Tried my best but even so.
All those sweet words I said to you will wither on the steps of doors you keep shut to protect your hearth. But I wanted to protect your heart, keeping my distance til I healed and until I could feel again. But I can't outgun a man who thinks he's gonna put a ring on your hand.
Being a romantic sucks. And I'm gonna be single forever.