Charmed and Strangerous

Your words feel hollow when we talk. Our conversations don't flow. I know the love is gone and the relationship is dead. I wish the both of em would have had the decency to delete me and just end it for good. I guess I'm a bigger idiot for wanting to still be friends. Ethical non-monogamy or something. It doesn't really work. My ex metas dont talk to me no one wants to talk and I've given up forcing them to try. Bizarre that you can throw away a decade relationship and not want real closure. Guess I'm glad marriage never happened.

Pains me to my core every time I see her interact with Twirl, the person who got in my face in my own house after I was disrespected and put down and my feelings trampled on. It pains me to see any instance of him in my friend circles, knowing that I was emotionally jerked around for 11 years and then suddenly we just don't know how to be adults and speak. Thats manipulation. Only on your terms can anything progress. It was always that way. Nothing was ever urgent and months will go by like a whisper.

Life and death are nothing to some people. God how I want off this planet. Love is fickle and friendship isn't real. After the breakup over 50% of my friends decided it was too damn awkward to be around me. That or they believed a lie that I was emotionally manipulative or on some bender or something. All false, but the damage is long done.

I think I should just be honest with myself and declare both of them as strangers. No love or friendship or even decency I guess. So yeah. I should stop letting my heart bleed over all those years I adored them.

I wish I could take it all back. I don't think much of it was deserved.

Im still here and I don't really want to be. Every day I have to talk with Death and ask her why not today? Its as good a day as any. No one gives two shits about me. Maybe my cat and one or two other people who probably also secretly hate everything about me too. So why am I still here? Stubborn survival instincts? Passing time? Hoping for change?

No. Im chained to this reality because I made someone a promise I'm trying to keep. Someone dead already. I would be more embarassed facing my sister in the afterlife than any of the Gods. I know she would understand but I couldnt tell her I gave up on loving her kid and decided to dip out because life is pain. So for now Im just stable enough to stick around for a kid and not much else.

I wish I could say it was all lies and uncaring unfeeling bullshit like the other one, but it isn't true. Its why I can't cold shoulder, block, ignore carry on. The love never died, but that alone pains me enough to want it all to end with me.

Im built for tragedy I guess. I wish it would hurry up and take me already. If I'm not feeling lost and alone, I'm aching for release that won't come.

Just end the goddamn friendship already. It can't just be me tip-toeing and wondering whether a break-up changed you're ENTIRE perception of who I am. And the silence at this point has to be considered on purpose.

Just delete me like everyone else did so I can start over.

Sitting in my new house, after a painstaking winter, wondering if it would be rude to die in peace in my room.

***

It makes me physically ill that people who fucked me over are friends with you. So maybe its time to really just call all of that quits. Im tired of their hypocrisy. And I'm tired of this world in general.

I'm in a better place I suppose financially, but every day is a reminder that I still don't want to be here. And I can't really talk about it anymore so..

I'm certain there will be relief that I'm not taking up space anymore. Just a spectre roaming around River city. I don't want to be a ghost though.

And from here on out, if anyone wants to anonymously tell me anything about anyone, I will not respond or reply.

Either be brave and tell me who you are and where you heard this information from or be left in the dark. Its time for everyone to grow the fuck up and stand on business. I'm gonna find the happiness I deserve and all the petty gossip anonymous shit can be left behind in 2024.

It's just not in my nature to just end it, block it, remove it.

What if someone needs help? In the hospital? Family emergency? Goddess, I'd be a fool to end up like my dad and just be stubborn and let my last words be bad.

Ugh. I am, and I will always be a hopeless romantic.

It's just not in my nature to just end it, block it, remove it.

What if someone needs help? In the hospital? Family emergency? Goddess, I'd be a fool to end up like my dad and just be stubborn and let my last words be bad.

Ugh. I am, and I will always be a hopeless romantic.

For what its worth I did try to salvage as much as I could, but it is still painful being close, but not together.

I still love you Chantea. All those words I said were all true. I look up at the sky and I see the moon and the stars and there you are starin back.

But time to look at new horizons.

As for other ex well. That wasn't love. And I was a fool. And eventually people find out the hard way that they were on a long list of disappointed people.

"Hey I just think that you deserve all that comfort and care and softness everyone else claimed for themselves in your past relationships."

"No wonder you were so stressed/not coping well. One partner was emotionally unavailable and the other wasn't hearing you or seeing your cries for support."

"Who pours back into you since you enjoy taking care of people?"

"What exactly did you do wrong? Is it a crime to have feelings after having your heart shattered? Sounds like emotional manipulation. Isn't that what they accused you of?"

"Why were they with you if they didn't accept you for who you are? You accepted them for their flaws. I wouldn't want you to change who you are for someone's idea of you."

And all these questions have me wondering how much happier I might have been had I not given away so many parts of myself to the wrong people. Perhaps good people, nice people, but wrong for me.

Not saying I am happily single, but that it feels nice not being constantly hawked and accused of shit that is just a normal response to a bad time or deep trauma. Being upset about losing my home and my friends to breakups and then being called a narcissist for being upset. Spreading rumors of me being an alcoholic when I, like most my friends, are stoned 23/7 is funny until you tell my mother this and she uses it to emotionally control me. And then later teaming up with her to try and get me commited because I wanted to not be alive. Way to support your ex I guess. Trust the actual narcissist, my mom, to help and not the person you spent 11 years with...? Okay.

But it is confusing when you still have casual conversation with people you felt betrayed by. I must be a masochist I guess. Glutton for punishment. But I guess all this to say it's nice being seen AND feeling cared for tenderly. And it was pretty much the only thing I can say was missing in my past relationships. But I made the mistake of getting used to it and look where I ended up.

I hope some day I will find someone who chooses me, and continues to choose me. Because this makes me feel disposable in a completely different way than the other relationships. I'm enough to kick it with behind a closed door, but not in any meaningful way. I am a secret. Well I choose not to be that. I hope things do work out for you though. You deserve good love. But you have to break your curses first.

All those sweet words I said to you will wither on the steps of doors you keep shut to protect your hearth. But I wanted to protect your heart, keeping my distance til I healed and until I could feel again. But I can't outgun a man who thinks he's gonna put a ring on your hand.