Pearl

Labels are very confusing for me, I’m not sure what exactly what I would be classified as. Trans species might be an accurate label as I do intend to appear and live more closely to what a beluga would be.

When I was a kid I honestly was convinced that I was a dolphin. I had a lot of phantom shifts and faint memories of swimming through the water. There wasn’t a lot of information about belugas but I knew enough about dolphins to know what I felt was pretty similar.

What always caused confusion for me was that dolphin were always portrayed as tropical animals but I had always been more drawn to the cold and ice.

Nearing the end of middle school, my brother who was somewhat older than me was looking into colleges he might go to. My family planned that whole summer around touring the various universities he was considering.

My dad didn’t want me to be left out the whole time so he planned for him and I to go visit an aquarium close to where my brothers potential college was. The aquarium didn’t have dolphins but he wanted to do something fun so he chose the next best thing. “Beluga encounters”

Dolphins or not I was excited to be able to actually get in the water and meet a real whale. We had to put on full body wet suits because that water was COLD.

It was a small platform about waist deep on the side of the enclosure. They brought out two belugas for my dad and I to meet. I remember watching the beluga swim up and poke its huge head out of the water a foot away from me. I think that’s when everything clicked.

I saw myself in them. It felt like I was supposed to in the water with them. It was like meeting distant relatives more than it felt like a “encounter”

I asked so many questions about them and didn’t take my eyes off them once. Belugas are very playful and I really wanted to swim with them but we couldn’t leave the platform.

After the encounter I spent most of my time at the aquarium watching the belugas swim and play with each other. There were so many thoughts and feelings I was having as I watched. I felt like I had finally been given an answer. Who I was. What I was. But then I had why. Why was I out here and not in there? Why didn’t I look them? Did I just seem like another human visiting to the belugas?

Despite the grief and longing of wanting to be amongst my own, it was still a wonderful experience. I’m glad I got to meet my kind. I’m glad I got some answers. Hopefully someday I can swim with them again.