thelonelymeadow

I envy my brothers for getting the dad I will never have. It’s my fault. My avoidance. My hostility. I don’t think I can try to fix things. I don’t know if I want to.

How come he only changed after letting me down. I tried so many times.

It seems that all it took for him to change was my vow to never trust him again.

So I’ll bring my brothers to have dinner with him every Tuesday and Thursday. And I’ll sit in the the seat that is said to be mine. But it’s not mine, for while this is a home for everyone else. I am simply a guest. That is all I allow myself to be.

One year at a time

11

I won’t make it to next year

I’ve had enough

My thoughts are too much

12-13

I’ll never make it to 14

I’ll never make it to high school

I can’t keep going

This is too much.

14

I’ll never make it to 15

If I do then I’ll most certainly be dead by 16

I made it to high school

It’s still too much

16-17

I’ll never make it to 18

I seem to keep collecting tasks

To complete before I die

I want to learn this

See a family member or friend complete a milestone

Why is it still too much

But now I’ve entangled myself with life

18

I’ll never make it to college

My thoughts have lessened

“Too much” is less daunting

I have people who really care

But I can’t imagine that me

A me further along

I have never been able to see a future

With me in it

With the help of others I began to try

Now

I am getting ready to move into my college dorm

To meet new people and learn

I don’t know how I got here

But I’m glad I did

I will make it to next year

And when that year comes

I’ll keep going

I relate to Dabi/Touya so much that it isn’t even funny. I get what he is doing is awful and I don’t excuse it by any means but after seeing the things he is doing it is genuinely helping me process my emotions. I have a lot of negative feelings about my dad and older brother, I’ve been so angry at them. My Dad for his actions and my brother for forgiving him and shunning me.

I would talk to my mom about it and what she would always say was “I understand, but instead of spending your time hating them you have to do what makes you happy. I’m not saying you should to forgive them by any means, but you need to focus on making yourself happy” And that was something I really struggled with. Especially when I was filled with so much hate and when I would get intrusive thoughts about killing them (I never actually considered killing them, just something that would pop into my head and no I’ve never actually done anything to either of them because I’m to much of a wimp) 

One thing I’ve been seeing a lot of is “I feel bed for Touya, not Dabi” and it really bothers me. 

They are the same person, and I feel like people who separate them are missing the point

I understand what they mean, feeling bad for him for what happened but now he’s evil and that’s bad. But you can feel sorry for someone without condoning their actions. Dabi is the way he is BECAUSE what happened. his descent to madness was a process. 

thelonelymeadow

Why must you look so human.

you are the monster

that keeps me up at night.

You are the monster

that forgot me

You are the Monster

that refused to listen

You are the Monster

That broke me

I know I’m crazy,

That you are human,

But I can’t see you that way.

you are a MONSTER

but you’re not

yet I can’t bring myself 

to see you as you are

because if you are not a monster

I won’t be able to live with myself

because that means I am a monster too