Y’all Ever Yearn?

I’ve decided to start this blog as a place to dump my thoughts, poetry, and writings. I haven’t figured out the main purpose of this blog yet. To clear my head of nagging ideas? To find my voice as a writer? A space to process life itself? Or perhaps it’s all three.

Regardless, I believe I’ll figure it out along the way! Feel free to stick around for a while!

Oh god

I wanted to hold it in forever

All those memories I couldn’t provide context for, they burned.

They constricted my chest

And filled my throat with glass

I couldn’t stop it

I tried

I tried to hold on tight,

I wanted to appear whole for just a little while longer

But I couldn’t stop it from bubbling past my lips in painful gasps

But once those words were out?

And you looked at me with such heartbreak, tears in your eyes

Suddenly it was like I could breath for the first time

I’d been holding my breath for 15 years and didn’t even notice

I know it hurt you to hear it but I’ve never felt so light in my life

I carried that with me since I was a child, and didn’t even realize how heavy it was

Telling you didn’t fix anything

It still happened, I’m still hurt

I had just told you something super embarrassing

And I remember being mortified that those words had even made it past my lips

But then you threw your head back and laughed, full and deep

Were you pretend to care about me,

And I pretend to love you,

That I forget that that’s all it really is.

Because I was strong and could protect myself

he was too sensitive, and that’s why it mattered, he couldn’t stand up for himself

But I could have been sweet too

I could have been sensitive

And I don’t know if it’s because you

Didn’t hear me or you don’t care to respond

Either way

It feels like I’ve been thrown back 13 years

Back to that young girl crying and begging for you to answer her

To pay attention to her

To even just acknowledge she’s in the room

Suddenly I’m a helpless child again who doesn’t understand why her parents don’t love her

I’m not sure why I continue to ask you to try and love me

It’s been 20 years and you’ve never considered it before

I guess a part of me doesn’t want to let go of that hope that I could have the childhood I always wanted, even if it came a little late

I’d say it was time for me to grow up, but I did that years ago, before it was fair

But it’s time for me to let go anyways

You’ll never love me the way I want you to

With you.

How did that even fucking happen?

I didn’t even notice.

Once second I was fine,

Fine being around you,

Watching you smile,

And hearing you laugh

And then the next, I don’t know

Suddenly I looked at you and realized you were the morning sun peaking over the horizon,

My face warms around you now and my heart skips when I get too close.

How the fuck do I deal with this?

Because I swear if I watch you burst into laughter one more time I’ll burst into flames instead

You really are the morning sun. I swear it.

For a youth I never knew

One full of forehead kisses

And warm cuddles,

Of hugs given freely,

And kisses expected

Of breakfasts insisted upon,

And made lunches packed,

Of warm meals and full bellies,

Consistent and content.

Of encouraging words,

And soft comforts.

To know that I was someone to be proud of,

Even in my failures.

One full of love

Never needing to be earned,

But rather, given unconditionally,

Like I’m getting ready to receive communion

For the very first time

I tilt my head to the ceiling,

While seeing heaven in your eyes,

Running my hands along your skin,

Feeling blessed to hold you in my palms

You wash away my sins,

And beg me to commit new ones,

To turn my prayer into pleasure,

And show you how sacrilegious I can be

And how could I ever say no,

While shattered at the very alter,