@ginapatch

Me and my happy drugs.

It took me a long time to start anti depressants. It took me a long time to know the crippling anxiety, major doom feels and sombre days I was dealing with wasn’t what everyone else was feeling too. I felt like I should be grateful for everything in my life because “in reality” I was blessed… it made me feel selfish and hate myself. I get on with myself most of the time now, we even have a chuckle too ourselves now and then. I didn’t think I could ever get to this level of feeling alright and my emotional swings to be steady.

I have to thank my lovely friends/support system for being there in the darkest of times and for grounding me when I was floating in the dark cloud. I know I wouldn’t be here today without them. I bless their sweet socks everyday.

It was a good friend who got to know my depression as well as me. And that good friend was the one to give me the final push to seek help. After procrastinating about seeking help, I hit rock bottom and the agoraphobia, bad eating habits and closing myself off was becoming too unbearable. It felt like a black sheet had been thrown over my entire being and I couldn’t interact with the world or even myself.

Depression is literally the most toxic and scary thing to deal with by yourself, my first bit of advice is to reach out. Talk about it. I tried dealing with it by escaping in the wrong places and not getting on with the real issue. I booked the doctors appointment. I turned up. I sat in the waiting room crying my eyes out whilst half in a strange panic attack. Again, I messaged a friend who tried to calm my boots. The best thing I’ve ever done about it was go to the Doctors that day and get professional help. I’m not being as bold to say medication will help everyone and that’s one of the tools that lifted the major dread off my shoulders.

I walked home today from my new job. The sun was shining more then on my way to work. I felt stuffy from all the pollen but mentally felt cute as hell. My cheeks got all plump and cold although the sun was beaming directly at me. I  dread the walk up the hill but today as i inclined up the hill to my house, i raised my head a lil and there was the most beautiful silver lining wrapped around a big cloud. Which then led me towards the forest short cut. The air was so fresh and all my senses felt stimulated by the wonders of my natural surroundings. The green leaves sprouted, the birds sang whilst i breathed deeply and I was home.