this town

Winnie had been tossing and turning ever since she’d gotten home from Tia’s party. Maybe it was the fact that her adrenaline was still pumping in the aftermath of the fire, or maybe she was just restless because she and L’ogan hadn’t gotten to finish what they’d started. Or maybe — more likely, really — it was driving Winnie crazy that Adam hadn’t texted her back to answer any of her plethora of questions. He’d responded long enough to make sure she got home safely, and then he’d been freezing her out, and every time Winnie shut her eyelids, she could see his shocked face in her head, and maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, but it felt like more to her. More than just a friend who was grossed out by walking in on his bestie having sex, more than just surprise — and Winnie finally rolled out of her bed, tossed a hoodie on over her pajama shorts and tank top, and found herself out in the cool night air, wide awake even before it hit her face. She didn’t even think about it, just let reflex carry her until suddenly she was at Adam’s window, knocking loudly on it, not caring whether he was asleep or not. She needed him to answer, she needed to see him face to face — Winnie needed to know what his reaction meant, if she was ever going to get any peace of mind.

Adam didn't usually have trouble going to sleep. In fact, it was one of the things he bragged about most, being able to knock out anytime. Something about tonight, though, was off. It was probably that it was too hot, but even after he kicked back his covers and tossed off his shirt, nothing. Maybe it was extreme embarrassment from the party. As if seeing your best friend mid-fuck wasn't traumatic enough, there was the part after where he'd, well, accidentally set things on fire. He couldn't stop replaying it in his head, as though if he imagined it enough times, it would start to make sense, but still, none of it did. Winnie leaving him at a party to hook up with someone, L'ogan  no less, and the way it'd all dissolved so soon after, was enough to make him feel a little crazy. He was glad everyone had turned out fine and no one had gotten hurt, but he still didn't feel like showing his face any time soon. He didn't want anyone to see him. Or, as a sharp tapping on his window caught his attention, it occurred to him that maybe he didn't to see anybody either, or at least not Winnie. He'd turned off his phone as soon he made sure she was okay, because he wasn't sure what he'd say to her the next time he saw her or even what she'd want to know; however, even before he pulled back the curtain he had a feeling that it was her at his window. He couldn't imagine anyone else who'd come see him after that fiasco. He hoped he was wrong, though, and a knot tied behind his abs at the sight of her face, flashing back to the last time he'd seen it, contorted in pleasure... He squeezed his eyes shut, willing that image away as he slid open the glass panel. "Hey," he tried, a small smile crossing his face. Despite it all, it was good to see Winnie, even if it felt a little different now in a way he wasn't totally sure of. "Um, what's up? Do you wanna come in?" he asked, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, trying to act like it was any other night.

“Not really,” Winnie said truthfully, although she was already swinging one leg over his window ledge and clambering inside like she’d done so many times before. She didn’t usually get nervous, not even around Adam or Rafe in the heyday of her crushes on them, but nervousness was bone-deep tonight. Maybe she was crazy. Maybe Adam had just been confusing her lately and she was making it into something it wasn’t in her head, and he was going to tell her he didn’t care what she did or with who. Or worse — maybe he was going to tell her his reaction had been the L’ogan of it all. The dude had a history with Tia and Izzie; maybe Adam had felt more on his Valentine’s date than he’d admitted and was mad on Izzie’s behalf or something. That thought felt even crazier, though, bordering almost on a conspiracy theory of annoying popular girl proportions, and the realization should have helped Winnie to just spit out the questions Adam hadn’t answered earlier. Instead, though, she grumbled at how suddenly warm it was, peeling her sweatshirt over her head, feeling her tank top underneath pull up to reveal her stomach as she did so. In one fell swoop, she tossed the sweatshirt at his head and smoothed her shirt. “You guys keep it stupidly hot in here,” she informed him. “Is that the real reason why you torched Tia’s party early? Walt beaches not warm enough for you?” She asked scathingly, mentally cursing herself for not just getting to the point.

Adam was about to say that she didn't have to come in, then, because truthfully he wasn't sure he wanted her in his room either, but then she was in anyway and all he could do was look at her. Or, well, try to; it probably would've been more accurate to say that it was all he could do to look at her for a few seconds, avert his gaze to her surroundings, and back to her again. It became harder to look away, though, when her sweatshirt came off and his eyes flickered down to her bare stomach. The knot that had formed in his stomach lurched at the sight. Why was he thinking about Winnie naked right now? It only served to make him more uncomfortable, if uncomfortable was even what he was feeling. Taking a step back and away from her, he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his bare chest. His throat went dry at the way she asked, like she was mad at him or something. Maybe she should be, but it wasn't something he was up to dealing with right now. Honesty. Honesty was the best policy, and so he took in a deep breath to apologize. "I'm sorry, okay? It wasn't like I wanted, you know, that to happen. I didn't mean to ruin the party or anything else. It just happened. And everyone's okay and safe and so, I don't know, if you're here to be mad at me for it, could it wait till the morning? I'll be just as embarrassed then but hopefully better rested."

“I’m not mad,” Winnie shot back defensively. Then she amended her statement, adding a “yet” to the end that gave her room to change her mind, if she didn’t like what he had to say. And especially if he didn’t say anything at all; that would make Winnie the maddest. If she had so many thoughts bouncing around in her head and so many things she was thinking, and Adam was just silent on the subject all together. “I’m just… confused. I don’t know.” Winnie sized up Adam’s body language, the way he stepped away from her, the way he leaned as far away as he could get and folded his arms over his chest… Closed off. Like she probably wasn’t going to get anywhere, but she had to try. She mirrored his movements, crossing her arms over her chest, too, and letting out a heavy sigh. “Why were you in the lifeguard shack at all, Adam? I mean — were you trying to stop me from having any fun? Were you coming to apologize? Did you miss me? Were you just scoping out your own hookup spot and ended up in there totally on accident?” Each question felt more obnoxious than the last to her; if he were the one asking her instead, she’d have rolled her eyes to infinity and beyond, but it seemed that tonight, Winnie couldn’t stop herself from slipping dangerously close to what she’d always viewed as crazy girl territory. “And what was that face? You just looked…” Winnie huffed, trying to find a good word for it that wouldn’t give away her most closely guarded secret all in one fell swoop; in the end, she still felt like she’d failed. “Why did you look at me like that?”

Adam tried not to raise a brow at how her words and her tone contradicted each other, but failed when she tacked on the 'yet'. "Yet", like he was doomed to mess up no matter what happened. He felt that way around Winnie a lot lately, and he knew it was his fault for leaving without saying goodbye, but it was starting to seem like he'd never be able to make up for that. He either ignored her too much or she felt like he was hiding her or he brought her to parties and had such a good time with her, and somehow all of that was the same degree of wrong, wrong, wrong. He was tired of being wrong and being confused, and though it was almost a comfort to know she was confused too, that relief only lasted as long as it took for her to start asking questions. His brow crinkled immediately, his arms tightening around himself. "What? No!" His voice was still low but he could hear it rising in intensity as the feeling of being attacked took over. "Why the heck wouldn't I want you to have fun? Especially since being around me so much made you miserable, I'm glad you got your kicks with someone ," he almost spat, surprising himself with how hurt he sounded by that. He cleared his throat to continue as impartially as he could, steadying his tone and his face as he shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. "I wasn't stalking you or anything, I don't know. I just - you were gone and I wanted to know where you went. I didn't know that I'd find what I did, but it wasn't like I was there to stop it and yeah, I'm sorry for how it all went down, but I didn't mean to. It just kind of...happened." He swallowed thickly, his throat almost in pain by the time he got to the end. He blinked in surprise at the mention of his face. He didn't know if he'd looked as overwhelmed as he'd felt, but suddenly he felt like a new kind of exposed, as if he were the one who'd been caught having sex and not her. "I, uh, don't know what you mean," he stammered, his heart thumping loudly in his ears. Avoidance. He was avoiding the answer but he wasn't sure why. It felt like there were a million reasons his face looked the way it had and he couldn't vocalize any of them, and instead he blurted, "I just... I didn't see me, I don't know what my face looked like. And you probably didn't get a good look either. In case you forgot, you were otherwise occupied."

Winnie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Her mother had told her that was bad for diplomatic relations — that it always played her card and made it hard to negotiate with anyone. And Winnie didn’t mean to act superior or like she thought that what people were saying was beneath her; sometimes, it just happened, and her feelings were plain as day on her face. Right now, though, she hoped her face was impassive. If she couldn’t stay neutral looking, if she couldn’t hold her cards close to her chest, then Adam would realize that the reason this all was so hard for her was because of her stupid, un-buriable feelings for him, and that was hardly something she even wanted to deal with. She certainly didn’t want to have to see how grossed out he was by that information, or deal with the fallout of him knowing. Still, the fact that she was even here fighting him at all… She had to hope that Izzie wasn’t home, or that Adam would keep this close to his chest and not talk to anyone about it. He might be dense, but it seemed like elementary to anyone else, she was sure. “I don’t want to have this same fight with you again,” Winnie reminded him, knowing she’d near well blown up at him at the party, too. “I get it, I’m awesome, but you’ve been going to those parties for years and hanging out with God knows who doing God knows what. It was just… a lot, that you wanted to spend every second of the thing with me. It felt… I don’t know, fake, and confusing.” Winnie ran her fingers through her short hair, tugging on the ends of it to try and keep herself from unloading the whole rant she’d made earlier on him again. He didn’t even know he was making things harder for her by caring too much. And she didn’t want to tell him, either, so it was almost like they were at an impasse. “So you make that face everytime you’re surprised?” Winnie challenged, taking a step closer to him, hating the distance he had put between them even more than she hated the stupid magnetic pull she felt towards him. She was scared to invade his space, scared to get too close… but she still didn’t stop until she was within an arm’s length, so close he could reach her if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to; that much was clear to her, that much had always been clear to her, and she glared up at him, gritting her teeth together for a second. “Because you don’t, Adam, I’ve never seen you look like that before and I just… don’t get why. Were you mad? Disappointed? Confused? If you really think it’s the same way you always are, and you really think it’s not a big deal, then why did you just stop talking to me? Why are you acting like… whatever this is that you’re acting like?” Winnie demanded, waving towards his closed-off body language and his impossible to read expression.

Adam couldn't get a clear reading on Winnie at all right now, and that kind of scared him; not even when she brought up the almost-fight they'd had was he sure how she was feeling. He'd first thought she was angry because, well, she was here , but now that he was trying to dissect whatever it was that made the air feel so hard to breath, he knew it had to be more. Had he embarrassed her that fully? First among all their peers, and then with L'Ogan? He hadn't thought their opinions meant much to Winnie, she'd given him enough grief about how it was weird that they mattered so much to him, but maybe it was different when she was among them. An intoxicating environment, Adam knew, could do a lot. "You say that like I'd be doing something ridiculous if you weren't there," he pointed out. "I'd be doing what I was doing with you with whoever was around instead, it's not major. I didn't think it was a bad thing to want to spend the party with you, but then again, I also didn't realize you were on the hunt." He hated himself for how almost aggressive that lest sentence sounded and he took a breath, trying to force himself to have some chill as he smiled and added, "Win, if you'd told me that's what you were there for, I would've, I don't know, backed off or something." The last part came out basically whispered, because it felt like a big old lie as he was saying it. After all, if he'd known her endgame for the night had been L'Ogan sex, he would've tried harder to stop it, wouldn't he?

But why? Winnie was great, she deserved to have sex if she wanted to, and his mom would be so disappointed if she thought he was trying to make a woman's choice for her. So why did it matter? Why did it bother him? Not being able to figure it out was scary, like staring at an exam he knew he'd studied the answer to but just couldn't remember, but it wasn't as scary as Winnie closing in. He didn't want her that close, things were different now, and he didn't want to be different in close quarters, but he couldn't move. He was frozen to his spot and to his argument that his face had been, well, just a normal face - it was a dumb argument, since he was sure his face now wasn't a normal face either. He opened his mouth to say "I don't know" but that was a non-answer and it wouldn't help anything, and if anything she was just getting angrier and more frustrated. She didn't show it as much as he could feel it wafting off of her, her air mixing with his. And then she gritted her teeth and his eyes flickered down and he paused. What was happening to his brain right now? 

"I don't know what I'm acting like, don't you get that?" he insisted, finally looking up from her mouth. His fists tightened, then dropped to his sides. "I want to give you an answer, Win, I really do, but I can't. All I know is that I needed some space to get my head back to normal." And even as he said he wanted space, his body betrayed him and took a step closer to hers, as if being closer would make him look taller and make him feel less exposed than he did. "But even if I don't know what this is, I can promise you that I'm not angry. Confused? Sure. Disappointed? I don't know. There's a bunch of stuff in here, but mad? I think you're the only one here that is and I'm sorry. I wish I could've done the night differently. That it could've ended differently."

Winnie scoffed at his comment. “On the hunt? Yeah, right. It just happened, it wasn’t like… planned,” she pointed out, looking up into his eyes, searching for something that probably wasn’t there. Like jealousy, or some kind of wish that it had been him instead — Winnie shivered a little at that thought, even though the room was hot and so was her temper. She’d buried any thought of Adam as more than a friend for so long, and she hated how it was kicking back up into full gear at the worst time possible. She would have given anything to just turn around and climb out the window and leave it alone, to wake up and pretend that nothing had happened. But she couldn’t do that and she knew it; she’d just go back to her cottage and not be able to sleep and wish she had answers all over again. “I don’t want L’ogan, I’ve only ever wanted…” Winnie trailed off, frustrated again, but at least her voice was a little softer, trying to match the tone in Adam’s. He was whispering, like maybe if he was quiet enough she and her stupid loud feelings would have to quiet down until they disappeared. And it was working, for the time being. Winnie had been so close to blurting out that the only person she’d ever really wanted was him, but instead, she chewed on her bottom lip before saying, “I don’t know, I guess it was just nice to feel like someone wanted me for a change. Like, really wanted me, and not like I was just invisible next to stupid blonde girls or… whoever.” Winnie turned her head towards the ceiling, unable to believe what she’d just said out loud. How much more obvious could she get? It was hard to keep her gaze away from him for long, though, especially when she could feel him getting closer. If this whole thing was so stupid, if coming here was a mistake… then why was he getting closer instead of just pushing her out the window and telling her to get away? “I don’t get it! I definitely don’t get it, or else I wouldn’t be asking, Adam,” she told him bringing her hands up to rub her eyes. She felt tired — tired of hiding it, tired of pretending her feelings weren’t there, tired of herself reading into things that didn’t mean anything. How could she make it stop? Winnie just wanted to make it stop, wanted to find a way to make this stop coming back everytime she thought it was gone, find a way to make Adam stop giving her false hope he didn’t even know he was giving her. “I’m not even mad at you, I’m mad at me. I’m mad that I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks in this stupid town but you, I’m mad that you only care when it’s convenient and that I always keep coming back to caring what you think anyway, I’m mad that… that I can’t make this go away when there isn’t even a this at all.” Winnie’s words came out rushed, frantic, not even making any sense. So much for the diplomacy and holding her tongue that her mother preached; she couldn’t even manage to form a logical statement of her feelings for her best friend, for the stupid boy that she was in stupid love with even after all this time. 

“And it sucks, you know? Because when you say you wish it had ended differently, you mean you wish you’d never brought me, or that you’d never seen anything, and if I said it, I’d just wish that I’d been with you instead.” For all she’d thought she wanted to see his face again, to read his reaction and to figure out what it meant… Winnie turned on her heel instead, horrified that she’d gotten no answers out of him and had only answered questions he’d never even asked instead. “Forget it. I don’t even know why I came here, just… forget all of it,” she said with her back turned towards him, willing her feet to move, wishing that she’d just leave instead of staying rooted to the spot like she still expected some kind of response that could be anything but awful for her.

Adam looked down and shrugged. “If you say so,” he murmured, not totally convinced. After all, if Winnie had wanted to take someone to bone town, it explained why she seemed so exasperated at Adam’s constant presence, and to find her with someone like L’ogan was highly suspect. Even so, Adam was almost immediately convinced that Winnie spoke the truth by the way her voice sounded when she started up again. His eyes came back up to meet hers and maybe it was the way she looked or the way she spoke or the fact that she brought up feeling invisible next to stupid blonde girls, but Adam felt his throat go dry. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? No. It was impossible. There had to be another explanation. Adam’s forehead furrowed as his brain kicked into overdrive, trying to come up with another guy, any other guy, or a girl even, with a rumored proclivity towards blondes. He couldn’t. It all pointed to him, and even as he tried to stop himself from producing evidence, clips and snippets of their friendship flashed before his eyes: how betrayed Winnie had been when he’d left and how she’d forgiven him anyway, the animosity she’d had towards Charlie, her distrust of STI, the way she always had an eggroll or two if he needed them. It felt conceited and wrong and stupid  to think that Winnie thought about him in any way other than her bonehead friend who she had to protect from himself, but as she kept talking, he couldn’t stop thinking what if, what if, what if like a mantra. He couldn’t even tell how the possible idea made him feel, if it filled him with apprehension or glee, but when she started calling him out, the barbs hit him like sharp swords to the gut and it gave him an idea. Adam didn’t know what he wanted, but he knew what he didn’t want, and he didn’t want to be the guy who made Winnie feel used. He didn’t want to be the guy who she had to keep fighting for when she should know she already had him. He didn’t want to be the guy who negated that a ‘this’ of some sort existed, or the guy who hadn’t even realized ‘this’ existed until he was scared that it was vanishing. Most of all, when she said that she wished it’d been him instead, Adam knew from the way his heart sped up that he didn’t want to be the guy who’d never brought Winnie to the party, or the guy who’d seen her get down and dirty. He’d wanted to be the guy with her. As quickly as the relief and impact of figuring something out came, so too came the panic when Winnie turned away. Adam knew he needed to think of the right thing, something smart and succinct that would sum up all the questions and answers he suddenly had in the face of his epiphanies, but words were failing him. Besides, no matter how often he’d told WInnie that she mattered the most to himt, she never seemed to believe him. With Winnie, actions spoke louder than words, and there was suddenly an action that Adam couldn’t keep himself from doing. So, with all the desperation of someone with a million things to say and only one chance to say it, he reached out and spun her back around in one swift motion, offering one loaded and hungry look into her eyes before grabbing hold of either side of her face and pressing his lips against hers.

Winnie didn't know how long she stood there, frozen in place, willing herself to leave. It could have been seconds or minutes or maybe even hours, although if that were the case the sun probably would have crept into the room by now and mercifully gotten rid of all the shadows that she'd just cast over them. Had she really said that? Why had she said that? Winnie knew she wasn't Adam's type, had told herself a thousand times that he'd never see her that way -- and they'd had a good thing going. A great friendship, one that was blissfully uncomplicated for him at least, and one that should have been able to withstand anything, even some stupid feelings. But could it really? Winnie had never meant to have to find out, and her breath hitched as Adam spun her around and grabbed hold of either side of her face. What was about to happen? Winnie's eyes flicked down to his lips for a stupidly hopeful second, then back up to his eyes, feeling a little bit afraid. Did he want her to be looking him right in the face when he told her she was right, and that her anger was wrong and her feelings were wrong and everything she was doing tonight was just wrong, wrong, wrong ? Winnie barely even had time to breathe, though, before Adam shattered all her expectations in the best way possible. His lips weren't as gentle as she'd always imagined they'd be -- they were hungrier, more forceful, like they were searching for something. And maybe they were; Winnie had dumped so much on him, and had expected disgust, or even betrayal that she'd hidden how she really felt for so long. Instead, though, he was kissing her in a way that made her knees feel weak, and that seared her lips and erased any memories of kisses that had come before this one, even kisses that were from earlier tonight. And maybe it didn't make sense; maybe it was sudden, and unexpected, and maybe Adam didn't even mean it... But God , Winnie had waited for a moment like this for so long, and despite her better judgment, Winnie didn’t want to let the moment go. Tonight had just been one mistake after another, but if this was the last mistake she ever made with Adam before he cut her out of his life completely or ran away to soccer camp to ignore his problems again? Then at least it was a mistake that lit her entire body on fire, and made her heart roar in her chest, and left her desperately trying to tangle her hands in his hair and pull him flush against her body as she kissed him back with all the force of four years of pent-up feelings. At least it was a mistake that, regardless of whether he picked her up and carried her to his bed or pushed her away or did none of the above, she’d probably treasure forever.

Adam knew that Winnie’s brain and feelings were a mystery to him sometimes, but for the very first time he thought he knew exactly what was going on. A cocktail of fear and confusion and hope that must have mirrored his look until a few minutes ago reverberated from her like a crowd jeering in a stadium but as their lips made contact, it was like everything took a breath. The boos turned to roaring cheers in the packed arena that was his mind and if she felt half of what he did, Adam would know he’d succeeded in kissing the bad away. And then her hands were in his hair and he let out a sigh against her lips and he knew that he was doing this right. There wasn’t a lot of time to think about it, though, because the way she kissed back left little room for thought. It left little room for anything, really, aside from wanting more. One of Adam’s hand ventured down Winnie’s body hungrily, experimentally. His fingers grasped down her smooth arm and onto the curve of her hip which he could feel through the thin fabric of her tank top that suddenly felt like too much clothing. It was enough to coax his other hand down, and he gripped her hips tightly against his making the muscles in his stomach tighten. His hands roamed around her curves, her waist, her back, unable to stop himself from marveling at the fact that he’d seen Winnie a million times before in a million different lights, but never like this. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Winnie was hot. He wasn’t blind. But still, he’d never pictured Winnie like this before, mainly because he thought he wasn’t allowed. Now that she was giving him permission, though, he wasn’t going to let it pass him by. His hands dipped down over her shorts, simultaneously squeezing her ass and drawing her closer to his ever hardening member. If he’d had known the evening would lead here, he would’ve stopped and asked himself if this was really a good idea - he’d decided he was against sex without feelings, after all, and Winnie was his friend, his noncomplicated friend who deserved the respect that a conversation about their emotions and wants and needs would warrant - but in the moment, he couldn’t force himself to stay on any of those thoughts for too long. He was too busy lifting Winnie up against him so that he could turn and take the few steps necessary before lifting them both down onto his bed, kissing her hard and pressing her body down onto the mattress with his own.

It was official, Winnie had to be dreaming. She’d pictured telling Adam how she felt about him for ages; she’d never been scared of anything else, after all, and she hadn’t seen any reason to be scared of a dumb thing like feelings. But the first time she’d tried, he’d told her he was going out with Charlie La Bouff. The next time she’d decided she should? He’d been gone , vanished without a trace, and it seemed the longer she waited, the more she’d have to lose. Every time she’d pictured it now, it was just rejection after rejection after rejection. It was never this, it was never Winnie gasping as she felt him harden against her or losing her breath from the way he kissed her, and it definitely had never been the weight of him on top of her on his bed, circling her in some kind of protective sphere where the world didn’t exist, where it was just him and her, and her and him, and all the worries and the anger and the stress of her secret could fade away. And her dreams definitely, definitely hadn’t been her hands roaming over his taut abs with a whine about how fucking hot he was. Or Winnie pulling out of his grasp only long enough to tug her own tank top over her head and let her bare skin press against his, and to give his hands somewhere new to roam. It hadn’t been her hands moving from his abs down dangerously lower, not even bothering to tease through clothes before they were underneath his waistband and wrapping around him, moaning into his mouth as his hands followed her lead and pulled her tiny pajama shorts out of the way. And it certainly hadn’t been exploring more and more body parts until it seemed like neither of them could stand it any longe, because hands just weren’t enough and they needed more. And imagination Winnie? She’d never dared to dream that Adam would be urgently reaching into his top drawer and rolling on a condom because he couldn’t get enough of her , yet Winnie was seeing it with her own eyes. It felt like it was happening much too fast and not fast enough, all at the same time, and she waited impatiently, wanting to feel him, tugging him back towards her the second it was on. So maybe Winnie wasn’t dreaming after all. Because she’d never let herself dream this far, dream this big, imagine this happening between them. And the fact that she hadn’t let herself think this would ever happen? It only made her cry out in pleasure when it really did and suddenly Adam was inside of her. Winnie’s legs wrapped around his waist, wanting desperately let him in further, to let him feel everything and to let him have all of her. And maybe, in that deep, dark, pessimistic corner of her mind... maybe in part she wrapped her legs around him so tightly in fear, wanting so badly to keep him there even though all of this was starting to seem too good to be true.

Every noise Winnie was making shot straight down Adam s body, egging him on like she always had. She’d always challenged him, encouraged him, supported him, meant the world to him - he’d spend the rest of his night wondering how he’d never seen it before, but for now it was the best thing in the world to soak each other in. He let out almost a choked gasp as he felt her hands find new places on his body, and before he knew it, he and Winnie were closer than they’d ever been. Nothing was between them, not secrets, not other girls, not clothes - nothing. And it was amazing. Or at least it was at first. Sinking in and out of her was a mind-blowing feeling. He’d had sex before, but never with someone who kept him this close, and the noises, damn , the noises - he’d never imagined something like that coming out of Winnie before, especially not because of him, and it kept him going strong. He kissed any part of her body that he could reach, his kisses softer now that his lower half was doing most of the work. He focused on her neck for a while, sucking experimentally near her collar bone, hoping to elicit some more of those noises that she’d never made before. Well, maybe not never . And that thought marked the beginning of the end as it dawned on Adam, with sudden clarity, that Winnie may have very well been making those exact noises earlier. Merely hours ago! It wasn’t that long ago at all, really, that he’d seen her being screwed by L’ogan, his body exactly where Adam’s had been… Adam gasped as he suddenly went limp. This could not be happening. It was way too embarrassing and way too inconvenient to be real, and yet it was, and he was thankful that Winnie’s leg’s hold on him had loosened because he had no choice but to roll off of her. He covered his face with his hands in shame, his body still buzzing with adrenaline and energy that had now been dubbed unusable by his penis the traitor. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled through his hands. He risked a peek at Winnie through his fingers before shakily putting his hands down and deciding to just be honest. “I’m sorry, I just started thinking about you and L’ogan and it just - “ he cut himself off, shrugging uselessly. Adam licked his lips, wanting to offer to go down on her and finish it off, but the thought of his tongue where L’ogan’s penis had been mere moments ago was too much and, frankly, made him feel kind of sick. He had to offer something though, say something , or risk losing possibly the best thing that had happened to him before it really started, but he was in a panic and coming up blank.

Winnie should have known it was too good to be true. Her brain had spent too long being too sure that Adam would never want her, and maybe for a few brief moments he’d lost his mind and gotten caught up in the wave of her emotions... but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t mean to be real, and the second he was off of her and burying his head with his hands, any thought Winnie had had of telling him her feelings making things better went out the window. She didn’t know what he was about to say, what excuse or apology she was about to hear, but her blood was already running cold as she clutched at Adam’s comforter and wrapped it around he exposed body. Whatever he had to say hardly mattered; Winnie had made things worse , there was no way around it. Truthfully, she’s been expecting him to say that it was about her. That he just liked feeling wanted, but that he didn’t want her to want him. Stupid, nagging insecurities that she didn’t usually feel in any other situation always came rushing up when she was with Adam, and Winnie hated it. She hated that he could make her feel so good one moment — make her feel more than anyone else in the whole world — and the next she was lower than low, all by his design. Whether he knew it or not, he had this hold over her, and Winnie hugged her arms around her chest as he started talking, bracing herself for words that would only seal their demise. She should have just gone home. She should have just left and salvaged their friendship. Instead, for the second time that night, she’d started something that she couldn’t even finish, and her body felt numb as Adam called attention to that very fact. “L’ogan doesn’t matter!” Winnie insisted instantly. “I don’t care about L’ogan, I care about _you_.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek, wondering how she’d have felt if he’d been hooking up with Izzie or something earlier in the night. She didn’t think it would have changed anything, though; God, she’d wanted nothing but Adam for so long that he could have been with a dozen girls in the last hour and she wouldn’t have cared as long as she finally got to be with him. It was pathetic, wasn’t it? She hated feeling pathetic, but her unwanted feelings were starting to make her desperate. And worse, their bodies had played tricks on her, let her think... Winnie closed her eyes, and she could still feel Adam all around her. It had been so much more than she’d ever dreamed it could be, and to him it just... wasn’t enough. To him some stupid pride thing about L’ogan getting to her first was more important than how right everything had felt for Winnie when they’d been together like that. But their bodies lied, because now Adam’s spoke a whole different story, one of disgust and repulsion and just... all the things Winnie had expected. “Just forget it,” she spat bitterly, afraid of saying more and getting mad again. What was even the point of fighting for something he didn’t want after all? “Can you... turn the other direction or something while I find my clothes?”

Adam was having trouble breathing, as if the situation wasn't embarrassing enough - it wasn't that he was out of breath from the sex, it was something else, something worse. Was he really having a panic attack right now? It wasn't something that happened often, maybe only twice in his life before, but he could feel himself ruining everything and had no idea how to stop it. What was there even left to say? That his brain had conjured up the worst image possible to ruin the mood? He couldn't even explain why, not without sounding like a complete and total moron who was scared of something so important. This felt important to him, at least, and it only raised the urgency when Winnie said what she said. She cared about him . She cared, and he ruined their first night together by being what, jealous? Fearful? Awkward? Now she was mad at him all over again and this time he knew exactly why. The ground was slipping out from beneath him as she asked him to turn away. He almost felt like if he turned away from Winnie right now, it would be turning away from any possibilities with her in the future, and he didn't want to do that. He couldn't do that. He'd never considered Winnie as a possibility because she was too good for him in every sense of the word, but now that she was here, he could hardly imagine anyone else. "Winnie, stop!" He bit his lip, sitting up a little to look at her. "I mean, uh, if you want to get your clothes, you can, but I don't.... want you to leave," he managed, looking up at the ceiling as if to give her the privacy she requested in order to find her outfit. "I didn't stop because I wanted you to leave. I don't care about L'ogan either. I care about you , which is why I wanted to be thinking about you and not what I saw earlier and..." Adam trailed off, not sure he knew how to proceed. "I just mean that this feels important. And my mind likes to run from important and it ran too far and I'm sorry, but I don't want to leave this . Whatever this is. Does that... am I making any sense?" he asked, keeping his eyes trained to the roof respectfully.

Winnie wished she had it in her to believe Adam. She really, really did, but she knew how much her friend hated conflict, and that’s what this felt like: a conflict, and a pretty big one to boot. She didn’t know how to not be mad, and she didn’t even know if it was really at him, or at herself for getting her hopes up. “It’s probably not important,” Winnie muttered bitterly as she scooped her shirt up off the floor and pulled it back over her head, her back squared away from Adam.

The words didn’t feel true even as she said them — it was so important, it was the most important thing to her. He was the most important thing to her, and he had been for longer than she cared to remember. But what was this for him? Would he forget the whole thing tomorrow? Would he wake up and think she was a mistake? Winnie knew she couldn’t stay. She couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes change again, couldn’t handle it if she felt the shift in the air as he decided that something more than friendship between them was wrong. She prided herself on being tough, but that might kill her. And so she stood, hearing his mattress shift without her weight on it any longer, and pulled her shorts back on too, shimmying uncomfortably as she tried to deal with the longing ache still between her legs. She wished she could turn back around, could go right back to how they’d been — to feeling blissfully complete and happy.

But life didn’t work like that, and Winnie’s body was just going to have to catch up with the rest of her and deal with it.