The Last Train to Nowhere

It was so hard to walk away from you this morning. I felt a slight hesitation from you but you didn’t say anything. I wanted to hear you say “stay” but you didn’t. That’s when I knew I had to go. My being wanted to spend every waking minute with you before you left but not at the expense of you being annoyed or feeling like you have to entertain me. That expense would’ve been too heavy on my heart.

Maybe the absence will make the heart grow fonder.

She searches for approval because no one told her which is more valuable.

With likes, come heat and chatter. But no one ever showed her the warmth of the love.

She prefers the steam of popularity but not the comfort of being where she belongs.

She gets all the angles right in her pictures because she can’t see the full picture.

With smoke, she thinks she is on fire…but the filters barely hide her broken past.

Shattered with no esteem of self, she snaps away. Her self esteem is based upon who approves, who likes, who comments but how can that be self esteem when it stems from the desires and lusts of others? Those followers won’t feed you or keep you warm at night.They only want you half dressed, thirst trapping a couple nights.

She uses her looks, the “lifestyle”,  and constantly smiles with her eyes. But with each new follower, she forgets that each filter and “deep comment" is nothing but mere lies. I suppose she forgot that IG isn’t real life, or maybe she chooses to be as hot as she can while she can…maybe she can get her own show? Maybe she can host a party? Maybe she will marry a rich man…or maybe she is mere looks, no depth. I suppose anything is possible when you search for the likes and not the love.

A level past passion, where intimacy and secrecy meet.

A large amorous desire, a fire from within that is only exposed when around you or within…

A serious zeal for emotion, addicting and I am your addict. Where touch meets mind and together makes magic.

Where reciprocation of ecstasy, where joy and eagerness meet walking through bliss together, holding hands.

An infatuated eroticism and attachment to a craving for what is unknown. A healthy mental lust which displays the zeal of energy we feel. An appetite for desire…but how did I get here? I suppose I am enamored.

While you were out dating and living did I cross your mind? At least a few times? Did he not open a door and you remembered how you forgot how that felt with me? Did you tell a joke that he didn’t get? Did he not eat it like me once and you remembered my tongue? Did he forget to give you his jacket when you were cold? Does he pray for you or with you like I did? Or do you look at him and see a family and kids?

If that is true and he is the one for you, have you ever thought of me like I sometimes still think of you? Does your mother remember my name? Do your friends mention me? Do I cross your mind ever? Do you remember my scent? I guess I wouldn’t ask if we still spoke but we don’t but if we did, I’d ask you, “While you were out dating and living, did I cross your mind?”

It is not hate nor is it as pure as it was. it is frustration and mixed with the passion. Desire mixed with compassion. it is not malice though it sounds similar. It is just a bunch of upset, blended with the like and a little “stank” when they don’t say a word so you fill in the blanks…

The displacement is harmful but not enough to keep me away, just push me away. It is an opportunity to breathe, to assess, and see where a person is and where they want to be. It is simply displaced and hopefully in time you find it where you lost it. But if you don’t you will always remember where you lost it and maybe one day you can find your way...home.

She told me she loved me, she lied. I cared enough, so I tried. She did everything but kiss me but when she did, she left. She seemed caring but showed self-preservation at its best.

Perhaps if I wouldn’t have kissed her and simply filled her space maybe then I’d see her face.

Roses and candles to unanswered texts...she never really cared, she just needed the sex. Then I thought “next" [on to the next.] Jadakissed, she was my kiss of death.

I recognize the problem because at first I was in denial. My dependence is not as strong, well at least so I thought; but, the second attempt to give her up was harder than the start. I am unsuccessful in releasing her and it is ruining my mind. I try to keep the decision to quit “just this last time”.

She knows I am addicted. She knows I am dependent. She knows I get insomnia but with her I keep my appetite. Without her I am depressed, thinking of her undressed totally gets me upset because sweating is not what’s next.

It’s a growing problem I have. I grow then fiend to go inside, mad there is a limit to the time that I have. I lie about what’s on my mind. I would steal time to stay. I try to kick the habit but in her eyes I choose to stay.

Just one last night, just one more kiss, just one more touch, I can’t dismiss. I only want to sleep in her and without her there is no place to go. I have an addiction problem and I don’t know where to go…

I fnid mslyef werodning waht the hlel is wnrog wtih me. I am a fenid for her kssies, a fool for her slime. she dffesius my aegnr and makes me sit and cnmoeplate for a wlhie. She is a hlel of a wamon that mkaes me raezlie my wroth as a man. I konw she is a good tnhig but raelly I cna’t satnd, how she cnahgs my mood and snftoes my haret. she is the lvoe I ndeeed form the vrey strat. She has me cnoesufd. She raeds my barin, her agnleic eeys mkae me feel porwesell and isnnae. She soherws me wtih kssies, and smeacres wehn I go deep, she awolls me to eprxole her draksens all the nghit utnil we are btoh fsat aeeslp. She mkaes me czray. She mkaes me ntus, I bomcee cuslmy, a hlel of a clutz. Am I giong isanne is she in my barin.? Can she sotp my pen from wrtniig? Is she in cnortol as we seapk? Am I pyshco? Sztkio? Do you konw her? If you do konw her, can you ask her to sotp panyilg wtih my mnid? Ask her to get out of my thohuhtgs. She wnis eyvrmtie. I cna’t dney her. I am scraed to say it…but I tihnk I am czray.

over her…

Do you?

When you are all alone, do I cross your mind? Do you see your reflection in the mirror and pretend those were my eyes? Do you ever think of the potential family we could/should have had? Do you eat your meals and look over at the place I sat? Do you get in the shower upset that I am not there to wash your back? Do you touch his hand and look away only to look back hoping he would be me? When something happens do you almost dial my phone? Ever secretly driven by my home? Does the sight of a car like mine make you look extra hard? I was just wondering...

If you can find the time to let me ease your mind, I would. If I had to catch a flight in the middle of the night to be your ambien, I would. You see "my hearts been racing, chasing after you" and when I get a chance I'll show you just what it can do. I'll settle for small doses now to appease my mind but in time my heart will only settle for what's mine. So let's just spend it now. I'll invest the time later. So for now let's just be "alone together".

Somewhere between the sun and stars, I found my home. I suppose it was written that love would find me again. But what do you do when love is not your friend but you kiss her lips as if you will never see her again? Or when you get a trophy that you feel you aren’t ready to win. Not because of the finish line but the work you must put in. Put into what, put into who? Put into who? Put into you. 

Finding 100 is hard to do when you look in the mirror and see 52. So where is 48? Lost in memory, building it all now based on the Trinity. Finding my way home? Or more lost than ever? Ill keep it together while the seasons change and whether I decide to go home or continue out here living. What a wild decision for a person who moves with precision.

why the fuck do i miss you so much? so much that my soul hurts…so much that my heart murmurs. i miss hearing your voice. i miss telling you off. i miss you lifting me up. i miss turning you on. no one deserves to be missed this fucking much…but you are! next time i see you, i won’t even have the courage to tell you. i’ll leave you again with no words.

I don't have time for gentle kisses and soft moans. I need to occupy your sex memory throne. I don't have time for slow music and chilled lusts. I need heavy breathing and deep thrusts. I won't make time for public displays of affection if later it doesn't involve insertion of my erection. I don't give a shit about pet names and reciprocation unless it involves the dick inside already paired with masturbation. I could give a damn about your day unless you want to end it with me getting it my way. So you can keep the dumb conversation of your ex and his average. I want to ravage display. I'm a savage. 

So if you don't follow and want different, listen, it's all love. Just don't mention my name to another. You are dismissed unless you want you clit spit on and your period missed...bitch.