The Last Half Sun, I

Being a person with paranoia and anxiety this is how my brain works when I am fed with so much love

I AM SO PISSED AT HOW I, being unconsciously over religious, SEE MY FATE DEPENDING ON MY LUSTFUL LEVEL! Like I don't know if you would understand this sentiment of mine, but like. Lust as the church taught us is one of the Seven Deadly Sins in life and that I should keep it under control. Apparently, as I grow older, I have considered that being lustful is equal being sinful. So every single time lust drops from the muscles and tissues of my brain, I perceive myself someone who deserves to be in the pits of hell. The next day is something ever "bad" happens to me or if I meet an immense emotional breakdown, I tend to rationalize the feeling or the experience that God is punishing me because I masturbated or has become sexual at a point the night before. This has been stuck with me and I have always been preferring not to masturbate or ignore being lustful, but sometimes there is a constant need inside me wanting to feel pleasure! It felt like IT IS SUPPOSED to be a normal thing. However, given my religious interpretation that I have grown with, the act of masturbating and the feeling of lust are demonized. They are both wrong and that I must at all times, avoid it. I have just watched the movie "The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mother", and call me a spawn of the devil but it helped me develop a different standpoint and a few questions. Is a woman empowered with her body wanting to explore it and feel pleasure with her own means MUST BE PUNISHED. And so far I want to start rationalizing things in a more pragmatic way, my masturbating schemes has nothing to do with my fate. I wanna take control of my actions. I believe that MY God is a GREAT GOD and that He wouldn't make me tumble down over a situation because I became lustful, but for a bigger reason. It's time to change this thinking.

Technology’s capability can leave man immobilize. The duties and jobs of modern man today can be left to the works of technology leaving man to do nothing. My hypothesis goes with the idea that man being no longer available to do the hardworking job no longer feels the reward of hardwork where he sweats his own forehead to finish a job. Technology accompanying him can take off that sweat from him living him to live a breathable life. Without that physical satisfaction of hardwork, it would be inevitable to feel like you haven’t done enough thus the decline of the self-esteem of an individual.

Can I still label you a friend when I am uncomfortable with you? Like it feels like when I am with y’all I should just shut up cause I am inferior. or again am I too much?