Yep. Again.

So, I haven’t written in this blog in quite a while, and I haven’t really written anything besides on my Twitter stuff. But I was bored at work today, and I came across this rant I made when I turned 31, and I’d like to revisit it with updates. Here we go...

Rules for Harold’s Life, and being a part of it:

1. You didn’t go to my birthday party? Ok. I’m not going to yours. Unless you had a legitimate reason. like not living in los angeles. There’s a few other excuses, but not many i’m accepting.

1A. Ok, maybe I’ll go to your birthday party, if I’m really bored and have nothing to do, and you have attractive friends. Otherwise, if you didn’t show up to my shit, don’t expect me to do the same. Well, except last year, since the only people I saw on my birthday were my family. 

2. You didn’t wish me happy birthday? Ok. fuck you, i ain’t wishing you shit.  (As you can probably tell, this year is not going to be a good year for people on my shit list).

2A. Still my go to anger mode. People who choose not to either text, call or at the least post on my FB page. Or instagram. But if I get nothing? Then Fuck you. 

3. You never said shit to me about me losing my grandma almost a year ago. When I needed to hear from people. You didn’t even try. “Sorry dude” isn’t a fucking consoling conversation. So fuck you and don’t expect to hear me console you for shit.

3A. Clearly, i was targeting a specific person on both 2 and 3, and yeah, it still stings. I have only seen that person once in the past two years. I don’t really mind that at all. Oh and btw, my other fucking grandma died just a few years after my first one did and again...YOU DIDN’T SAY SHIT TO ME! 

4. Time to clear out the excess in my life. That includes the movies, cds, shirts, hats, shoes, toys, sunglasses and all other excess things I have in my car. And in my house. Life for me was a lot better when things were a lot simpler.

4A. Welp, this actually got worse. Way too much shit that makes my place look like a god damned mall. 

5. Speaking of excess, time to remove excess people in my life. I know who i can still count on, and who i can’t. Time to start ignoring those i can’t.

5A. For the most part, my group of friends has remained about the same, except for a few additions, Ie, they all have kids. 

6. Probably time to start looking for some kind of significant other. So everyone, if you have a hot single female friend who’s into people who talk shit, please send them my way. And I said hot. No ugly chicks allowed.

6A. Fuck it. Bring on the ugly chicks. I ain’t that great looking either. 

That’s all for now. Most of those rules and stories apply to a certain person, so to them, i don’t really wanna say anything more than:

It was fun being your friend. It wasn’t as fun being your best friend. We had a good run. I am disappointed by the way this friendship has to end cause i never thought it would. But your actions over the past year have gone to show me that the most important person in the world should be you, and that no one can be above you. So good luck with everything you do. I shall say hi to you if we run in to each other. But please, don’t invite me to anything anymore, cause you’ve disappointed me too many times for me to call it even. And please, don’t refer to me as your best friend.

Addendum, 2015: I know who my best friends are. They’re the ones who actually make an effort. It’s not a one sided friendship. The people who let me do all the work and never gave a thing in return, those are the people who i’m not trying for anymore. Distance don’t mean shit. Hell, I just went to the bay to see one of my best friends graduate. But that’s cause I knew the journey and the trip would be worth it. 

It's like 6:40 in the morning, a few days after returning from the Philippines, and I'm incredibly jet lagged. All I can think about is my grandma, my Nanan, Ulpiana Echavia. For the past few years, every time I have come home extremely late, and have arrived to see my mom wide awake, I always feared the worst: that she had passed away. But, it didn't go down like that. Instead, it came with a phone call from my sister, who got a Facebook message from my cousin in Bohol (the Philippine Province where my mom's family is from) who was also my Grandma's doctor. They said they had tried calling our house, but since no one was home, they needed to contact ASAP so they sent my sister the FB thing. When she started out her phone call with, I got some bad news, I knew exactly what it was. Just a few days previously, my mom had talked to her sister and she told her that their mom had contacted Pneumonia, and that there was a fairly high chance she wasn't going to last too long. They were right. She had passed within the week. I got the call Aug. 2nd, although technically since she passed away in the Philippines, her official date of death was Aug. 3rd. Most of you know that my birthday is Aug. 1st. So, officially worst birthday ever. At least, as my aunt pointed out to me later, that she waited til after my birthday. I loved my Nanan so much, that it's hard to describe.

She used to call me every year on my birthday and ask me about how I was, and when I was going to visit. She would always get so happy when my answer was "very soon Nan." When I was little, she would make me go to church on my birthday, and then right after that, take me to Toys R Us and I could pick out whatever I wanted, no matter how expensive. She spoiled me so much. If I used to have a nightmare, I wouldn't go to my mom and dad, I would go to her. I never wanted to make my parents proud when I was small, I wanted to make my grandmothers smile. That's not a knock on my mom and dad, that's just how much those two women meant to me.

My Nanan moved to the US after retiring as a teacher in the Philippines, just so she could help raise my sister and I, since my parents were always working, and my other grandma, my Nanay, was watching my other cousins. She was our second mom. She watched me, my sis, Russ, Stef, Jon and my cousin Tim, all the time. Of my two grandmothers, she was the stricter one, because she was a disciplinarian for over 30 years. When my mom was only 2, her dad passed away, so my Nanan had to raise her two daughters all by herself, with a little help from my grandpas siblings and hers as well. That's why, til her dying day, her sister, my Mama Juling, was always at her side. When she was here in the US, she and my Nanay were always together. Now theyre' together in heaven.

in 1995, right after I graduated elementary school, and just before my sister graduated High School, she decided to move back to the PI permanently, seeing as how it was better for her out there with all the help out there, and the fact that my sister and I were older now. She could help raise my other cousin Gerald, since he was just 7 at the time.

Right after I graduated high school, I went with the dance group to visit the Philippines, but unlike everyone else, I would not spend the first week in Palawan, but the first week with my Grandma at our house out there. I hadn't seen her in 3 years, and was excited to finally be with her again. As soon as I got off that boat and saw her, we both started crying. I was and will always be her baby, and I was her favorite. She showed me that she had built a bathroom, just for me, with working plumbing and an actual shower, instead of the tabo that the other bathrooms had. That whole time I was there, she took me around to prove she could still hang, taking me to the mall, and to some tourists spots including Chocolate Hills, which is an attraction in our Province. She just wanted to spend every moment with me. My last night with her, she asked if I could stay in the same room as her, just as I had when I was little. I literally spent that whole night in tears.  As I said goodbye, it first crept into my mind that she might not be on this earth much longer, and that I should try my best to see her as much as possible.

We came back four years later, and since my sister didn't go with me in 98, it was 7 years since she saw Nanan, so when we finally saw her at the dock, I was expecting them to both be bawling, which they did. But Nan cried more when she saw me. Sorry dude. That trip, we spent 3 weeks barely doing anything more than going to church and having family time, which was kind of nice. When we left, again I bawled super hard, but it was made better when my Nanan said she would see me a few months later, as she was gonna try her best to make it to my college graduation. That was the happiest I had been in years, just hearing that she was going to try for me. Ultimately, she wouldn't make the trip because she was 90 and she said that the long trip would be too much for her, though she did call me to congratulate me.

2007 I was only there for two weeks, and she wanted me to stay longer, but I didn't have vacation time, and too much work back at my old job. I regret not staying for a few more days.

2010 was different, cause she was different. At the time, she was 93, and her health had slowly been deteriorating. She had started to forget things, and it pained me so much when she actually referred to me as her nephew. She was forgetting who I was. I had a feeling this might be my last time seeing her.

Earlier this year, my whole family, minus me, went back. My sister said it was best I didn't see her in the state she was. She was bed ridden, and she didn't remember anything. She had lost that spark. Crazily, the best moments my sister experienced out there was when Nanan finally met Jax (she had met Lia in 2010) and she smiled when she saw him. Everyone told me that it was cause my nephew looks so much like I did when I was little, that she thought he was me. I don't know how I would've handled that moment. The other moment that made my sister cry was when on her birthday, my sister spent time with her, and she looked at her and smiled.

So when we heard the news that my Nanan had passed away, I was supposed to go out with some friends, but I told them what happened and that I needed to head home. My sister told me she had been calling my mom, but she wasn't answering cause she was at a church function. I got home, opened the door, and my mom told me the news, and I told her I knew....and then my mom started wailing. I had never heard her cry like that. Then again, her mom had just died. My dad and I comforted her, and then my dad asked me...are you going to her funeral? I had to. There was no way I was going to miss it. But I was so numb, I couldn't respond. It hadn't sinked in. It wouldn't sink in until I  saw her.

Usually when I go to the Philippines, we plan months or years in advance. This time, we left within 5 days and were back in the Philippines by time it was her 1 week death anniversary. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving. Most people know when I mourn, I keep to myself, and this was the ultimate. People didn't know I was in the Philippines until I posted from the other side of the world. I wasn't prepared for what I was about to witness.

When we got to our Province, we were greeted by my mom's sister, and right away, I saw her and my mom crying so hard when they hugged each other. I hugged my aunt, my cousin, and we were on the way to my Nanan's house. When we arrived, there were lots of relatives there, and I was shocked  there in the middle of our living room was the casket with a glass encovering my Nanan. There she was. RIght there. As soon as we walked in, my mom clutched the coffin, and did not stop crying for a long time. Everyone around her had to help her. I really didn't wanna see what she looked like, cause I have an ideal picture of how she looked in my head, and I didn't want that picture ruined. But I did. And I cried. I cried hard. A few days later we had the funeral, and it was a crazy event, with me helping put the coffin in a hearse, and then our family following the hearse as it drove past Nanan's first house, and then to the church for the service. I was a pall bearer again. I was the lead. I had done this before. I also did the second reading, and much like when I had to read for Nanay's funeral, I had to take a second to gather myself. After the service, they did this thing where everyone took pictures with the casket, and my mom told everyone to smile, cause that's how Nanan would've wanted it. Following that, they showed a slideshow, and everytime pictures of her and I came on, I cried a little. And there were a lot of pictures of her and I. From there, we walked from the church to the cemetery which was a long walk, and it was hot. My cousins and I then had to carry the casket a fairly long way to her burial spot, right next to my Uncle Rolly, my Auntie Lorna's husband. Two people from the same house no longer around. They opened the case one last time, I placed my hand on her, and cried, and then we lowered her in. My mom and Auntie were so strong at times, but at the end, even though there were hundreds of people earlier, it was just us. Me, Mom, Auntie Lorna, and her two sons. We said goodbye, and then we went home.

Almost everyday we were in the PI, we would go to the cemetery and say a prayer for my Nan, Uncle Rolly, and my Lolo Eliseo. And then sadly, when we were about to leave, we heard my cousin Nicole had passed, so we prayed for her as well. As we prepared to leave, I could only think about how much my Nanan had done for me. I stared at her bed, and sat in her room for a few minutes. I stared at her picture. I said bye to that house, cause I knew it was never going to be her house again.

It's been almost a month since she's passed away, yet I sit here, on a Friday morning, tearing. We had a special bond, because she came to this country for me. When we were on the way to the airport to leave to go to the Philippines, my dad said, "You owe it to her to say goodbye. She sacrificed so much for you. And when I say you, I don't mean you and your cousins, I mean just you." And it was true. She was my favorite teacher. For many years, she was my best friend. My Nanan raised two incredibly strong alpha females, two women who run shit and don't take shit from anyone. That's cause my grandma taught them that.

I never knew either of my grandfathers. All I had growing up were these two incredibly strong women who taught me to be a gentleman and to be someone who truly cares for his family. And now I have neither of them.

Rest in Peace Ulpiana Badilla Echavia. On my arm is emblazoned the Badilla and Echavia, as well as the Asis and Golingay, for if it wasn't for you and Nanay, I wouldn't be who I am. I owe everything I have or will ever have to what you two gave to me, which was your unconditional love and kindness. I hope the two of you are enjoying each other's company in heaven, and now you are both reunited with your husbands. But down here, you have a grandson who misses you both very dearly and who will do his best every day to make you both proud. I love you Nay. And I love you Nan.

  Love, your favorite grandson,

Harold Jeffel Echavia Golingay

Monday, March 4, 2013 will be a day I will never forget. I had just gotten off work at 2 o’clock in the morning and I was summoned back to the office because we were told that today,that day, would be our work judgment day. For many months there had been speculation that March 4th would be the final day of the casino’s operation. Everyone of us made a countdown and we all awaited to see what our fate was going to be. We heard lots of different things from lots of different people. Some people said the new owners would keep all of us. Others said they were keeping none of us. We never really knew the truth until literally the weekend before. I had heard that they were calling back some people, and that everyone who was coming back would be notified by the last weekend of February. I never got a notification. My last full day at HPC I facilitated a car giveaway. It was bittersweet. On my last day, I would get my final paycheck and say my goodbyes. I didn’t want to be emotional. I wanted them to know that it didn’t get to me. I wanted them to know that they fucked up. I drove home, emotionless and unsatisfied. I had given the past 5 1/2 years of my life to the casino and how did they treat me? No severance package. nothing. Not even a thank you. Only people who said anything to me were direct coworkers and the people who i had made friends with. I saw the new CEO and the new owners in the hallway before I left. They wanted to wish me the best and I ignored them. Lots of my coworkers asked me if they Ever asked me to come back would I come back? My answer to that was hell no.

Don’t get me wrong. HPC was one of the funnest places I’ve ever worked at. I made lots of great friends, had tons of memorable experiences, and I made a lifetime of memories. But the truth of the matter is, that I’ve known about this change since September and I’ve done nothing. This was a reason I ended up not going to the Philippines. Because I didn’t know if I was still going to have a job by the time I came back. I was always hoping that they would change their minds and keep me on. I had become extremely comfortable within my job, which is a bad thing when you stop working hard. Once I found out that the casino was being sold and we were going to have new owners, I knew that my time with HPC was coming to an end. But I’ll never forget all the awesome times I had here, from all the Laker games, meeting Laker legends, and especially the great nights at our blackjack party pit And blackjack parties. I met so many people that I never would’ve imagined meeting. And some of those people have had a profound effect on my life.

I’ll never forget when I had my over the phone interview For HPC. My soon-to-be coworker Marilynn called me while I was on the way to Las Vegas with my mom and her sister in the car. While they slept I answered questions about how capable I was helping to run a department which was in shambles. Apparently I did a good enough job because a few days later they called me and told me that I was welcome as a brand-new hire. I told them that I wouldn’t be available until I returned from Hawaii for my sisters wedding. They said they were okay with that. That’s when I knew I was going to like working there.

I never thought I would Ever work for a casino. Giving away cars, money, sports tickets, gifts and so much more. When I first started out, I had the brilliant idea of letting my boss know that it would be a great idea to market our casino at clipper games and dodger games. I was able to choose which games we went to and when we would get there I would do all the work while my coworker would just sit in the corner and eat. I really miss those days, but we had a budget and we were willing to spend on our department. But after we had new takeovers it seemed as if no one was willing to spend any money on marketing. I would say the peak of the job was 2009/2010. I really believe after they canceled our black jack party pit and all of our blackjack parties, that I should’ve started to look for a new job. But in our tough economy it was hard to justify quitting on a job just because I was bored.

I was there for 5 1/2 years. That is the longest I have ever worked at any job. It had its good times and it had its great times. But it also had its terrible and shitty times. I will always remember the good times and the fun I had with all the people that I’ve met. There was such a crazy turn around that I think I’ve met thousands of people working there. But it’s time to move on and it’s time to look towards the future. My time there is now finished. There are people who are still there that I know, and I wish them all the best of luck. As for me, it’s time to pursue something a little bit more my style. I’m not going to miss traffic on the 405. In fact not being in all that traffic will actually help me cut down on my smoking. I want to thank all my coworkers especially Julie, Anna, Kevin, Karl, Richard, and Camille. We were a great team, and I doubt I’ll ever have a team this great ever again. I’ll see you all again someday. Hopefully not too soon. Good luck to you all.

A Few days ago, I, along with my Dad, took my niece and Nephew to the St. Gen's Fiesta. The kids wanted to check it out and have fun, and my mom was working the Filipino Food booth (naturally). My Dad's sister was supposed to meet us there, so my dad asked me to call her. I asked him why he didn't have his own sister's cell phone, but then remembered my dad is terrible with technology. So i asked him "Why don't you call her house?"

His Response: "I can't call that house. I always expect my Nanay to answer the phone."

My life, and the lives of a lot of the people I’m close to, has been pretty crazy the past year. I kinda just needed to put this down somewhere just so I could reference all these emotions again some day. But I’ll keep em short, since no one ever really reads this, and I’ll keep it kind of brief so I can fill in the details with those lost emotions myself.

A little time ago I went on a trip to Vegas…and that’s pretty much when everything else went to hell.

Had I stayed the whole 5 days I was supposed to be there for, I never would’ve got a chance to see and talk to my cousins Anne and Gerald (yes, my cousin’s name rhymes with mine, although it would be way worse if we had the same last name.) I never would’ve been the shoulder to cry on that my cousin Anne needed. I never would’ve got that last skype shot of my Aunt talking to them while her husband was on his deathbed in the background. I never would’ve known that my Uncle had passed away before his two kids in America had a chance to say goodbye. I never got a chance to say goodbye, even though he lived with us a for a while. Bye Uncle Rolly. Thanks for being our guide and for providing a place for us to stay whenever we were out there. You were truly the closest thing my mom ever had to a brother.

One of my best friends was supposed to go with us to Vegas, but he cancelled because his mom got sick. I never told anyone that he didn’t tell first, cause I respect his privacy. That sickness never left, and she succumbed to it a few weeks later. I was one of the first to find out. It’s strange to know that the same person was both one of my best friends’ moms, and one of my mom’s best friends. Bye Tita L. Thanks for being a great Mom to my friend, and thanks for always making us feel welcome in your house. Even though I didn’t speak Tagalog, you still always spoke to me in it, and I just always nodded and said “Yeah.” And this was an almost daily occurrence. All of us will miss you dearly. Thank you for coming to my birthday party a few months back even though you were sick. It meant so much to me.

While I was in Vegas, I missed out on the viewing and services of my Godbrother’s Lola. I heard the whole family was there, and I felt terrible that I wasn’t present at all. So Lola M, thanks for being both of my Grandmas’ friend. Hope you and my Nanay are together in heaven, probably smoking a cigar or something. And thanks for being a great grandmother and mother to the S. Family.

Just a few days ago, my Brother in Law lost his grandmother. The one he was really close to. Like he did for me when my grandmother passed away, I will be there for him when he needs me. I only met her a few times, but every time, she was extremely nice and friendly. I hope my niece doesn’t ask for her like she asks for my Nanay, cause when she says things like that, it makes people burst into tears. But she’s just a child, and she doesn’t understand that two of her great grandmothers are no longer with us. Grandma S., I hope you as well get a chance to hang out with my Nanay. She really enjoyed your company while she was still here.

There’s a lot of other things that have happened recently, but I’m not at liberty to share, because it’s not my place. Let’s just say, I’m really hoping the next year is nowhere as bad as this year has been. It has taken it’s toll on me, as I feel that I’ve had to shoulder a lot of the burden, to keep everyone at least somewhat distracted from events that eventually they will have to face. But if they need me, they know I’m there.

I sometimes feel that I’m spreading myself out too thin, and that I’m not taking care of me. Someday ,I might have to be selfish. But now, I want to help. Helping others helps me, cause I  know they appreciate my efforts.