A totally uninteresting blog.

just to articulate my thoughts as i’ve been having trouble thinking on one topic for long lately.

basically i think most of my stress is money related rn. I get money each week on disability from government. I pay my parents rent and bills. I buy food and when thats done i have a little left over depending on what i buy. that goes to taxi’s/transport to get to doctors appointments.

so i’ve been trying to save up for ffs for ages. like years and years. it has been my main goal for so long. but i’m literally not even 1/5th of the way there. so at this rate it’ll take me another 5~years to save up. which is really not something I like to consider as an option cos it’s just too much time. I can barely get by day to day like this, with most days I don’t even get out of bed. so 5 years is an impossible goal. and now i’ve just accepted that ffs is an impossible goal too.

i mean that’s ok I guess. some things just aren’t possible for some people.

wrt doctors and such idk I feel like i tried enough. i tried a group of doctors when I was in leixlip. they turned out to hurt me and be generally bad. misgendering on purpose etc. I tried a group of doctors here, he turned out to use slurs on me and was generally bad. I tried the psychiatrist at the endo. He gatekeeped me for 2-3 years. I tried a doctor up in letterkenny, she was very dismissive and essentialist and was generally bad. I tried the new group of doctors here this week, turns out she wont ever give me letter for orchie surgery and was fairly dismissive of my fears/anxieties when I talked about them.

i was looking into a loan to cover ffs but interest rate would mean I could pay the initial amount but not the interest and since it’d be over 5 years it’d amount to a huge amount I couldn’t manage.

I’ve just think suicide is my only option at this point. it’s either live here, with these nazi loving bigots and continue suffering every day with no hope of change, or just let go and end it. and tbh it’s really appealing and I think it’s the best way. I’m not sure how yet, i checked the shed and we don’t have rope so I’ll need to get some annd i’ll need to learn how to tie it, i think idk maybe you don’t need to and you can just make a loop or something. I have alcohol here so i’m going to use that to numb myself before. I think that’s what my cousin did and it worked for him. 

i want to apologise to my friends who i’ve burdened. i wanted to say it personaly but that wouldve been more burdensome i think. i wish i could repay them in someway for their emotional support this past year+ but idk how so yeah.