Let's do it

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

Sometimes you try your damnedest to see the stars in the eyes of someone who no longer treats you well. Who’s become bitter. Who’s chosen to let their love for you become dulled and who doesn’t appreciate you. You try therapy. You try date nights. You try shrugging it off, saying you’ll both grow out of it, it’s a phase, all long term relationships go through this. You try to make it work for both of you.

And sometimes, despite all your efforts, despite choosing to love that person, the relationship just does not work. There’s no sense in staying with someone who makes you unhappy because you’ve told yourself you just aren’t working hard enough on it. If you think that you can just choose to work hard at a failing relationship and that will save it, you will stay in a miserable place so much longer than you should.

Sometimes there is no saving it. Sometimes someone makes you miserable, and it’s okay to walk away. Sometimes there’s someone out there that’s better for you. Sometimes you need to stand on your own two feet for a while and find out who you are. Sometimes choosing to love someone is not the answer.