It's HandedSanitiser @thehandysmr - Tumblr Blog

i hate that I have to go outside in oder to feel better, every day, for at least half an hour or so. Amd with better I mean not spacing out everywhere anymore cause my thoughts want me dead

#handy complains #aaaaaaaaaa #go outside #mental health

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genuine question: can bigotry under certain circumstances be considered a maladaptive coping mechanism

#handy comfused #bigotry #coping mechanism #social question

my city so queer that I only found embroidery meetings for trans and nonbinary people. And when it's open for women it's vulva embroidery or feminist stitching.

Can't there be one that just has no theme going on so I can learn to stitch some space marines qwq

#not hating that tgey exist but that nothing else exist. my city prefers knitting i see #handy complains #embroidery #unthemed or completely open meetings are always a one time event ://#some of you will probably love these cause 'finally a space for me I've been starving'.#the end :)#sorry

I'm so lonely it hurts

nightmare where too much happened

#handy complains #and it continues whenever I close my eyes

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a shower with my hair and I'm like 82% well again (this won't fix me spending the late night very much awake tho. I blame my extended nap at 4 pm for this which mutated into me sleeping till 7 :/ oh well.)

#handy rejoices #handy complains #the end :)

i don't want to randomly think bout how some guy on youtube showed signs of being right wing beneath being left but against 3/4th wave feminism a decade before he grew to one of the most infamous and influential right extreme yters at 3 aaaaaaaaaaaaam

#handy complains #youtube #pipeline #yea i get it brain i was a loser and used these ppl to feel better and find my human circus to laugh at are u happy now brain #2010s youtube #why do i always trace political shit deep into the night or when i just woke up make it stooooop #no more political youtubers from ANYWHERE now. they ain't good for my health 😔#yea the left ones too they make me feel as if I needed to devote my life to freeing myself my people whatever from the shackles that be #they make me lose focus on what my moral compass is (gullible AF) so i can't watch them either.#so hardly publicly politicized topics like Warhammer and space and nature please. PLEASE.#I'm crying on the inside #brain searches for a reason for my sudden fear and whips out memories where I felt very very small. I hate them #the end :)#aaaaaaaaaa

i stay away from black vent posts cause they emotionally hurt ne more than anything else bar sa vents maybe. It just adresses a part of me I desperately do not want adressed because I'd be torn into a blinding rage.

And no, I don't think I can tame it and make it useful, no, I don't believe in productive rage for myself, it's a waste product and a secondary emotion from this deep depressing core emotion that stays in the well. I'd rather have it stay that way than me succumbing to what's been building for decades.

.... though, parts of it may or may not show in my writing.

#handy laments #i hate this #crying internally #at least I'm not hurting myself anymore #i genuinely fear to lash out at someone who didn't deserve the fury at a whole civilization and how it came to be.#this kinda rage no single person deserves. but all. and it's hard.#it hurts #i hate getting jumpscared by a tumblr one liner at 3 am. i didn't look out for it nor was i searching for it.#it just... appeared in the recommendations under a friend's post. and i was stupid enough to open it.#look im a coward towards my own emotions because they are quite strong and I can't handle them once they're out the bottle ://#I'm doing this for self preservation mentally so sorry. I'm sure these help others finally have a voice to be heard but...#i personally don't. it's like bleeding me arteries but emotionally. anywy bye #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i realized a little too late that my pain was indeed not really from the panic attack dissociation thingy I had yesterday but rather that my muscles were tight. My glutes were clenched automatically. Luckily enough I got that basketball and I use it like a fascial roll (probably the safer option too, as I weigh 140 kg).

#handy rejoices #fascia #tense muscles #pain #ow my belly #ow my back #pain is still not gone but reduced to acceptable levels :v #... maybe I'll get a fascial roll one day. maybe. maybe...#the end :)

huh every time I. go outside and have a good but alone time. there's this man popping up in my brain.

I used to be afraid of him cause he was THe white man I'd feel attracted to. Now my brain still tries to hace me be afraid of him even though he supports me heavily and takes care of the very worst racist intrusive thoughts. Which is funny cause he personifies my fear of becoming a slave to white men and degrading myself into minstrelcy for just a speck of their love and attention. But is... almost the complete opposite. He'll calm me down that I'm not this terrible person. He's become a lot less apprehensive of me and even playful since I started taking sertraline and had actual therapy to at the very least stabilize myself a bit.

He used to come out a lot stronger than now which in retrospect was necessary cause back then my intrusive thoughts were a lot worse. A LOT worse. But now this happens more infrequently and only when I'm extremely stressed like I was when I was trying to plan my life.

#not wh40k #not even a vent #a mental observation #I'm not plural and every time I think about it my head hurts and I lose my shit.#dissociation yes. fractured consciousness to the point of disorder no no no no no. thinking that was actually part of my ocd #idk I definitely know that my consciousness and inner self aren't static like at all.#when I'm extremely unwell mentally I turn into a white woman and the white man into a black man.#When I'm very stressed but still have a glimmer of hope that I may presevere I keep my real life form and dude is mostly white #when I'm well it's just me. often with darker skin and more textured hair cause uuuuhhh I'm mixed and was kinda pulled this way and that.#idk what thhis even is but I'm sure it isn't plurality as in an actual alter who decides things for me #it's much more a part of me I'm holding down coming to the forefront and guiding me to what I in my heart know what's right #mental health #genuinely it's more of a call for if I'm alone in this. I'm still me every time and the worst dissociation happening is a stupor #black mental health #mixed mental health #:')

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i smell like sweat heightened by apple acid and idk why. I sweat so much maybe it's the dried sweat. either way very unpleasant and i feel dirty every time i go out

#handy complains #:(#the end :')#aaaaaaaaaa

oh no the 14 year olds have found my main let's just hope that they're only interested in my oc list n nothing else.

oh well. either they're gonna behave and not engage with my nsfw stuff or they will learn the hard way like i did pls for the love of god get out of here not even dismissively speaking but rather for your own good

#handy laments #handy is slightly concerned #the youth #whilst i think they won't break from one raunchy post binging them at such a young age #is a whole other matter #i slipped from the stuff I write rn to hentai where the rape was the least shocking thing at 16 :///#should've gotten that kiss the one time it was offered to me instead but alas.#posting on side cause I don't want to come off as a catty bitch nor create a streisand effect that attracts more kids to my blog #would be the equivalent of plastering minors dni everywhere. the minors who want porn will go to great lengths to obtain it #I should know #tumblr meta #anyways that's all #the end :)

Temperatures soaring, no thought

Temperatures normalizing, intrusive thoughts

No brain, I do not want to randomly think about [subject i alone nor even a large group cannot change], just let me do my hairrr

#handy complains #still 25 degrees at 3 am #I'm too teutonic for this heat #heat wave #Neither my ancestors are used to whatever this weekend was #i tgink #thoughts aren't thoughting #the end :)

Today I made the mistake of looking into YouTube comments on a Warhammer video bout Angron and someone was saying 'ey angron is perfect rep for traumatized ppl, my trauma anniversary is due' and another with the name shlomogoldstein(whatevernumber) was like 'get over it also trauma anniversary?? you're CELEBRATING that shit?? retarded'

I was going to be very pissed that this person's genuinely sweet comment where I think it's alright to celebrate the years you've been out of the traumatic situation has been taken in the worst way... and then i realized it's probably a troll. One of the shock humor kinds.

It's been a long while since I've seen one like that and luckily enough one of the few good things my anti sjw phase taught me was... any engagement is good engagement and they'll go for the most vulnerable people cause it's where they get the most explosive reactions. It doesn't matter how you feel about them, they need to be ignored by commenter (at least if it's just one troll and not a whole political online network trying to saturate some videos comment section or even droves of bots).

So... good for me (funny that I got the most tips bout internet safety from those who otherwise made fun of or insulted others as their hallmark lololololol. I was such a loserrr for having binged them and taken them more seriously than they themselves prolly did)

#handy complains #handy rejoices #both #internet #the end :)

man the floor feels so good mmmm cold :3

#heat wave #handy rejoices #handy complains #both

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what's with the daddy kink having exploded in the last 2 decades. Do most ppl even have a father as an authority? My dad sure as fuck wasn't XD (it was my mom. why haven't more ppl apart from lesbians adopted mommy kink huh? HUH?? H U H!?!?!!?!? (!! /???? 1?11!1!!1!2!!1!12!!1!1!2!)

#silly handy #k!nk talk #like i have hardly any reference for a man as authority at all who wasn't also an abusive piece of shit or distant as fuck #logically it makes sense #but emotionally I don't get it. Thus #autism strikes again #not against daddy kimk btw just find the development from boss to daddy interesting #the end :)

never have I been more elated about the 'show more comments' cut thank god

#handy rejoices #the end :)

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