the gods, they call

I did my first ritual in ages the other night, but I think it’ll be awhile before I’m back in the swing of things. it might help if I clean up my room. something about the cluttered atmosphere makes ritual feel much less pleasant. I am still studying the religion and the jackals actively in my spare time, and though this is a devotional activity, I do feel it’s not enough.

I wish I could figure out why things are so difficult now! it used to be no problem doing a ritual every single night, and I looked forward to it greatly, but now it’s so hard to remember to do it, and to get in the mood.

part of it, I think, is that I seem to be expecting (or at least, longing for) every ritual to be something super emotional, significant, dramatic. but that isn’t how things work. that happens when it needs to happen, over time, after you’ve continually worked with and offered to the deity simply for the sake of being with them. yknow, just for the sake of providing and caring for them as they provide for you. 

i don’t think I used to have any problem accepting that. but also, I guess it makes sense that I keep finding myself wanting ‘something more.’ communication is so difficult. I don’t know what Anup wants from me, I don’t know what he expects from me, I can barely even tell which offerings he prefers. we were practically ‘made for each other’, and I can’t think of a more fitting deity, so I just don’t see why he seems so uninterested in being a little more direct with me.

of course, part of that is my fault. how good have I been with practicing divination or scrying? how loyal have I been lately about giving offerings? not very good or loyal at all! I can’t expect to see results if I don’t put in the effort. and yet, it’s hard to feel driven to put in the effort when I can’t even tell what direction I’m supposed to be heading in. sometimes i feel a little hopeless about it, and I’ll just tell Anup that if he wants me to give it my all, I just really need a little boost, a clearer sign that he’s listening, even a vague point in the right direction.

I’ve said before, though, that this doesn’t need to be about following some sort of clearly marked, important path, and that this doesn’t need to be about closely ‘hearing’ and communicating with my god. all it needs to be about is acknowledging my reverence for Anup and all that he does and all that he represents, and honoring him based on that. after all, even without Anup’s voice in my ear, it seems entirely fair to consider this a give-and-take relationship. look what he gives me without even saying a word: a research subject to feel passionate about, a beautiful and inspiring figure to look up to, an explanation to almost everything that mysteriously became spiritually significant to me over the years, and someday - a trusted guide to the afterlife.

still, seeing all the other people who communicate so much more clearly with their gods, who do specific types of work with them, who are so attentive to their likes and dislikes, whose religious paths seem to have more meaning and direction - it can become a bit disheartening to have a somewhat distant relationship with my deity.

Cleaning is the best starting point! Cleaning in all areas helps. Not just cleaning your room, shrines, etc, but schedules, time, life, and so on. The act helps stir the air and energies to bring in the new. It helps give life to what once was stale. I am about to rearrange my room after the holidays because the energy in it is becoming stagnant.

Next organize. Bring order to chaos. Even if we don’t see if being stuck can be about us being caught in chaos. So build a schedule, organize a bookshelf. But order into your life the way you want. Don’t be afraid to change the schedule of rituals and the rest of your life!

But don’t expect things to work the same way. When a bridge burns down, you must build a new bridge. But the new bridge is not going to be 100% the same. It will be different. Walking a path is not about walking one that someone else had. It’s about walking your own. And so its going to be a place that has no previous path upon. So things will always be different and new depending on the terrain in which you come upon. 

I have been at this for 10 years (walking this path I choose). My “godphone” does not work like others. But then again no ones works the same. We all have different numbers and connections to our gods. There are times I need to get another line or number, so there will be a different method of connecting to the same god I have known for several years (I am looking at all of You over there). Its the nature of the spiritual beast. 

Also Fallow Times suck, but sometimes they are needed. They can be a great time to learn to take of ourselves. To get back into the swing of things. To make sure we are happy and healthy. There are times when my life gets so hectic I turn the knob down on my spiritual life. It just helps me keep things balanced. I learned a while ago I would hit Fallow Times right after a big upheaval in my mundane life. It was because I was trying to put too much on my plate (spiritual & mundane)… then the plate would tip over and shatter. So I would have to take time to build the plate over again and that would be my Fallow Time. So I have learned what to do to avoid Fallow Times (now that means it doesn’t still happen. I am in a constant state of stubborn learning. XD ).

Rosanna Warren, from Departure: Poems; "From the Notebooks of Anne Verveine"

by Henry Scott Holland

Rosewater print. 

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Max Ernst, Ci meurent les cardinaux (1962)

Anubis or Hermanubis.

Ever since we got done DIYing the pantry, I've been wanting to put Sekhmet's altar on top of it. It's in the sunlight and it's a much bigger space than just a shelf.