This is not a suicide note

I remember holding a teadybear, dangling it by my side in a way I had seen on TV. I pitched up my voice, softened my face, widened my eyes, everything I could do to look small and cute and helpless (I was like 8), walked out there and said in a sad voice "mummy, I can't sleep" only to be yelled at and told to go back to bed. I was an insomniac and didn't get a proper night's sleep untill I was finally medicated, but as soon as I had passed the stage of a baby screaming her head off they didn't care. I did everything I could to get my parents to love me, but they just didn't.

I only remember doing it one other time. It was during a child services visit. I am not really sure what I wanted to accomplish but I was putting on an act, again I emulated kids I had seen on TV. I held a toy tightly to my chest and angled my head down so I really had too look up at them with my eyes. The affect was that they didn't really talk to me and only asked questions of my siblings.