I am here.

pivotal points:

-knowing that Someone is a good friend

-knowing that he cheated on his girl while she was going through chemotherapy

-knowing he broke up with her even though she broke her promise and slept with him

-knowing she’ll still be in love with him no matter what

-knowing that he’s following his father’s footsteps in every single way

-knowing he’s lacking such awareness and competency in all ways

-knowing that he abuses alcohol

-knowing that he fell asleep with his dick out

-knowing I walked away

sitting on your bed and knowing I’ve been pushed out. knowing that there’s no more ‘us’ because you spitefully destroyed what was left.

I believed desperately that you wanted to work it out with me. I believed whole-heartedly that you were actually humbling yourself to prove your worth. But I guess it was all a swerve on yourself.

So this is it. The last time you’ll have any impact. Way to go out with a bang, couldn’t have done it any better (worse) way.

why oh why is it that I feel so uncomfortable right now?

I’m not intelligent like they are. the ones with some semblance of a fucking brain and the ability to problem-solve where I just go completely blank. am I not there yet? WILL I EVER BE THERE? I have the brain to be aware of my shortcomings, but the motivation and confidence of a substance-less being.

here I am hours from an interview, awake all night. binging a series. I feel awful and I know that I shouldn’t be awake. yet I’m sitting in this uncomfortable filth of my existence and I can’t move!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry but I can’t. I want to disengage and just feel happy with myself and my path BUT I CAN’T because I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.

It is among us and it is everywhere. The desire to falter. We are imperfect and flaws somehow creep up: whether present in our inconsistency, tardiness, indulgence, or inefficiency. Some refer to them as sinful, yet many look at them as uncontrollable indefinites in our own day-to-day routines. Well that’s just hogwash. Whenever it is that I feel there’s something wrong, I always have the ability and know-how to push through and address the problem. Pivoting away for too long is tumorous and massively unproductive.

As the end of 2018 fast approaches, there are a few falters that I’ve let take ahold of my being and my goals. At times, I’ll admit I have felt romantically paralyzed in my own errors and shortcomings, as if I could stay like this forever and be “alright.”

1. Love life - there’s a few people and patterns to address here. 

-bd: it will ALWAYS be the same...tbh. From the first time I met your type in my freshman year of college, I always knew I needed a bit of that cozy flair in my life. You reminded me that life was not always about the chase, and that it is crucial to set your own pace. I learned to depend on you (again) so quickly and felt the weight of my past life fall onto you so effortlessly. We enjoyed the company but I would argue that this felt more right than anything else we ever did together. I’m sorry we stopped talking to abruptly, but I promise I’ll find a way to keep you around. I’m not trying to bear the burden of losing touch again. 

-my dustball: is mine, but I am not theirs. It’s wild that I feel just as I was 5 years ago today. You’re back and I’ve told myself it’s not for me; yet, I’m still optimistic. I know you’ll be there for me no matter what but you hurt more than you did the first time around. It’s more of a slow burn pain than a fast fire that I can extinguish but I have the control. I must come to terms with the fact that you can always be there for me in a different way. I need to see the hope to you being there as an inspiration, but not let you time suck me to no end. I have my own life to live, and I’m not yours.

-roo: I love you so affectionately and want the best for you. I’m sorry that we crossed each others boundaries in the process and that there’s all this damn space between us now. I owe you a letter, and will try hard to act on it before it fades. Dustball has been a time suck and I’m struggling to hold onto the discomfort that pushed us apart in the first place. I will I will I will.

2. My drive and my confidence - a couple more patterns to break from.

-I fell short of my goals to take an exam this year, and it’s pretty devastating. I prioritized “living my life” and grew my accounts by a couple numbers in my last few months away from home. Now I sit on my phone everyday and wonder what that was all for. It’s not that I have more people to talk to or more things to do, it’s that I still feel vastly.... empty. This has been a recurring issue since I lost my drive to compete after my last relationship. I still think of him and how he must be suffering from the same shortcomings that I do because of us. Practically, I wish we hadn’t. 

-I have indulgences and I give into them too easily. I am the type that feels alerted when I feel myself going overboard, but I am also very very lazy. It’s easy to let things go by the wayside in order to satiate my outer self, but I must ardently remind myself that there’s even more reward to holding out in order to satiate my inner self. I argue that certain material goods (and even individuals) will float away if I don’t seize them in my current state, but social opportunities will arguably still be available for me in the way I enjoy them presently if I set them aside. 

-I have many responsibilities to my family and I have really been lagging. Part of me feels very disconnected at this point in my life, since I have been absent for so long. No one routinely comes looking for me, no one questions my silence. As they once reminded me, you must upkeep to keep up. People, even blood, stop caring if you don’t reach out. It’s human faltering due to conditioning.

-Nostalgia often paralyzes me from pushing forward. I fall into the understanding that things were, so I become tied down by pre-existing notions that play no role in who I am today. I am an adult, I deserve to succeed. The more I waste away, the more opportunities will fall away. I need to be in the right mindset and set my goals so that I may achieve them. Long term projects should not be long. Set an end or else you will never reach it.

3. The immediate future - my goals

-I have a program ahead of me. Finish it in one year.

-I have my professional degree to chase. Finish my entrance exams by the end of 2019.

-I have my research goals to meet. Read 3 new papers every week, find your specialty, publish in 2 years.

-I have my employment goals to meet. Make at least 5 figures by the end of 2019.

-I have my fitness goals to climb toward. Make that work out chart, exercise 3x a week, and do some other form of exercise 1-2x a week.

-I have my financial goals to meet. Limit your spending to $400/month.

-I have my personal growth goals to meet. Learn to cook a couple healthy meals, go for your pilot’s license before applying to professional school.

Sometimes in the midst of busy life, everything else of the past fades into the background. I find myself in dark focus nowadays, but then tire from this state into light slumber.

I forget that love exists and that it remains one of the few bodies of light in a life of responsibilities. The more I ignore the love, the more it creeps up on me and stares until I look up in acknowledgement.

I wish to share myself. It's only natural that love stares at me so intently. But I now know not to share unless the other person is adept enough to fall with me, not for me.

I acknowledge that 2017 was horrible. I lost one of my closest friends of over a decade and severed many toxic relationships that weighed on me.

Interestingly enough, my decade-long friendship seems forgotten. As always, retrospective introspection makes the extent to which we’ve both changed abundantly clear, and I have since let go of any negativity I once felt. For so long, I stood by to try and fix, to wait and see, just hoping to weather the storm. But that chapter’s over, and so are we.

Closing that chapter meant ending many mutual friendships we shared. Sides were taken, even if not explicitly so (though in some cases, individuals were quite keen to express their bias). It was a pretty immature affair. Doubly hurtful was that I learned seeking friendship in mutual friends was continually disastrous…and more. 

1. My roommate was so indecisive that we came to a stalemate about most issues. I take blame here too; I simply couldn’t move on from personality traits that plagued my emotions. I know it takes an extreme amount of inner strength to acknowledge that something is not working and make a change. In my state, I was messy and left scars. Safe to say we didn’t end up living together. Sometimes I feel sadness about it, but definitely not regret. 

2. A mutual groupie saw my anguish as opportunistic. I am an assertive individual that, just like many others, possesses certain ideas, opinions, and beneficial privileges. This person rung the hell out of all that I could offer, and kept asking for more. When I had nothing left to give, they saw a dry well. Soon, they conveniently turned the narrative on me, claiming that I simply picked them out of pettiness. I retreated so far into myself during this period of time and was only hoping for a safe haven. Instead, I walked into mischief’s den and learned my lesson the hard way. What can I takeaway? I do have good things to offer others and my opinion does matter. In the future, I’m going to reserve those parts of myself for someone who won’t use me and drop me as soon as times get tough.

3. To the others lost in the literal sauce: we really didn’t hit it off quite too well, did we? I admit that I saw some chances to develop certain relationships, but I was so far gone that fear of repetitive outcomes and self-endowed guilt paralyzed my psyche. Better luck to the both of us next time.

4. To the troubled people I encountered: integrity and responsibility are important, and I’m sorry you had to delay your exams for the second (or third?) time now. Dealing with your mental health first might substantially improve your outlook, but pushing problems onto other people and letting frustrations manifest through dangerous outbursts is really really unacceptable.

5. And to my sweet neighbor: I feel the utmost sadness for your loss. You deserved none of the anguish that my past year of tumultuous relationships placed on you. You were always the sweetest friend and perhaps my only advocate during many of the loneliest times. I don’t think I can ever replace the space you have in my heart, but much like many things in life, our time together was fleeting. I’m so sorry for the phases where I couldn’t muster the strength to give you the attention you so needed from me. Know that I will always think of you no matter where I am, and that the people around you felt nothing but love for your kind and gentle soul.

To this day, however, my last relationship still stings me more than anything else. I teared up after looking at some old texts that were still saved in my iMessage chain from about a year ago exactly. We had been talking about going snowboarding, and he was somehow juggling me, some unfulfilling friendships, school, taking a really important graduate school entrance exam, and trying to blow off steam. I was juggling him, school, deteriorating relationships, graduate school applications, leadership responsibilities, and also just trying to blow off steam. I don’t really know how we did it. But my world revolved around him. And his around me.

The past is the past. Today I live to see a few more questionable friendships play out, but I prioritize a lot more bright and optimistic thoughts about my future ambitions. I live for myself, which is rewarding and somewhat plastered all over my M-O as of late…

The irony though: when we broke, I clung harder than I ever had to a disappearing past. A stark opposite of who I strive to be today… I repeatedly watched shows I hadn’t in years, desperate to rekindle parts of myself he’d torn off in the chaos. I sat in complete darkness with my problems and the paradoxes of failed relationships, willing to face the problems head on. Except, no one else really wanted to, or for that matter, really cared to. That makes it sound dramatic because it was. I held my personality back for a guy in hopes that giving him space would let (  him  ) grow. Yet, he wanted the tangled mess of us, but in a very specific way. I know I can grow with someone and value a serious relationship, but I just couldn’t do it to the specifications he wanted. I would have never sacrificed unless I truly loved. And I did. But it wasn’t a good fit because no matter how we expressed our feelings, they went unacknowledged for all to see. It made me so uncomfortable that I silently got whiplashed every time things didn’t pan out the way that we both idealized. A very very public failure if you ask me. 

I miss him occasionally but it’s been fading as of recent. I see him more often than I would like, and it still scares me but not as much as before. Cynical me believed coincidence could not possibly explain the frequency of our encounters, so I contemplated upping my hermitude to physically becoming a hermit. Realistic me knows proximity increases the mere probability of encounter. Duh. Yet, my curiosity always drives me to see what’s outside - I can’t hole up forever. 

Lots of them exist: around us, between us, within us. Some of them:

1. Physical: these are the walls that separate us from our peers. These are a focus-driven physical mechanism meant to help the individual feel as if they have some privacy with which to relax, work, and play in. Ironically, it is these walls that make us feel the loneliest and create a facade of isolation from the outside community.

2. Category: society values organized thought that labels certain phenomenon and theory into nice boxes. These walls are digestible increments with which to understand our existence. Whether they serve as "life chapter" delineations or diagnostic ranges of severity, these walls serve as indication of greater conceptual mastery within a particular cultural context.

Hey. You know when you are not appreciated, but at the same time you are not supposed to restrain yourself by anyone else's standards? Nor are you supposed to allow the guilt of self-awareness and the fear of failure consume you? If that's not being between a rock and a hard place, I don't know what is.

It's not the end game. It's a step in building greater understanding of how much shit you are willing to tolerate. Sometimes pushing is what makes you succeed. Sometimes it is pushing past.

-- “You have those eyes, the scared ones. I’m only young can’t you see? We all are.” --

I think I thought I am not.

Once, in a time not so long ago, I loved. I felt the safest and the most ignorant to what lay beyond. Selfishness, jealousy, cowardice. These were all vices that I believed could be fixed. That I believe I could fix.

Lately I feel like my emotional idealism is what did me in. First, love ended. It just stopped as abruptly as it began. Then, I said goodbye to those I had grown accustomed to. I know I deserved more than to be treated as a pawn in somebody else’s narrative. The short term pain far outweighed the long term strife. And now? I face the evils of the world: head-on, alone, and not at all at 100%. Oftentimes, I can feel my brain glaze over details that require depth and attention. To this day, I find myself deliberately grasping onto the struggles of the past because I am still hoping for clarity and resolution from others. Frankly, it is debilitating. Everyday is a broken record that ends with reflections about people, places, and times that do not exist in my sphere anymore. It all still weighs on my conscience.

As I wade through the unknown challenges of tomorrow, I think back on those scared eyes. They make quick eye contact, then vividly avert their gaze as soon as a connection is made. They restrain their bright potential with a fearful timidness. Yet, those eyes are what made me feel so inexplicably, paralyzingly alive.