#uptome

It is among us and it is everywhere. The desire to falter. We are imperfect and flaws somehow creep up: whether present in our inconsistency, tardiness, indulgence, or inefficiency. Some refer to them as sinful, yet many look at them as uncontrollable indefinites in our own day-to-day routines. Well that’s just hogwash. Whenever it is that I feel there’s something wrong, I always have the ability and know-how to push through and address the problem. Pivoting away for too long is tumorous and massively unproductive.

As the end of 2018 fast approaches, there are a few falters that I’ve let take ahold of my being and my goals. At times, I’ll admit I have felt romantically paralyzed in my own errors and shortcomings, as if I could stay like this forever and be “alright.”

1. Love life - there’s a few people and patterns to address here. 

-bd: it will ALWAYS be the same...tbh. From the first time I met your type in my freshman year of college, I always knew I needed a bit of that cozy flair in my life. You reminded me that life was not always about the chase, and that it is crucial to set your own pace. I learned to depend on you (again) so quickly and felt the weight of my past life fall onto you so effortlessly. We enjoyed the company but I would argue that this felt more right than anything else we ever did together. I’m sorry we stopped talking to abruptly, but I promise I’ll find a way to keep you around. I’m not trying to bear the burden of losing touch again. 

-my dustball: is mine, but I am not theirs. It’s wild that I feel just as I was 5 years ago today. You’re back and I’ve told myself it’s not for me; yet, I’m still optimistic. I know you’ll be there for me no matter what but you hurt more than you did the first time around. It’s more of a slow burn pain than a fast fire that I can extinguish but I have the control. I must come to terms with the fact that you can always be there for me in a different way. I need to see the hope to you being there as an inspiration, but not let you time suck me to no end. I have my own life to live, and I’m not yours.

-roo: I love you so affectionately and want the best for you. I’m sorry that we crossed each others boundaries in the process and that there’s all this damn space between us now. I owe you a letter, and will try hard to act on it before it fades. Dustball has been a time suck and I’m struggling to hold onto the discomfort that pushed us apart in the first place. I will I will I will.

2. My drive and my confidence - a couple more patterns to break from.

-I fell short of my goals to take an exam this year, and it’s pretty devastating. I prioritized “living my life” and grew my accounts by a couple numbers in my last few months away from home. Now I sit on my phone everyday and wonder what that was all for. It’s not that I have more people to talk to or more things to do, it’s that I still feel vastly.... empty. This has been a recurring issue since I lost my drive to compete after my last relationship. I still think of him and how he must be suffering from the same shortcomings that I do because of us. Practically, I wish we hadn’t. 

-I have indulgences and I give into them too easily. I am the type that feels alerted when I feel myself going overboard, but I am also very very lazy. It’s easy to let things go by the wayside in order to satiate my outer self, but I must ardently remind myself that there’s even more reward to holding out in order to satiate my inner self. I argue that certain material goods (and even individuals) will float away if I don’t seize them in my current state, but social opportunities will arguably still be available for me in the way I enjoy them presently if I set them aside. 

-I have many responsibilities to my family and I have really been lagging. Part of me feels very disconnected at this point in my life, since I have been absent for so long. No one routinely comes looking for me, no one questions my silence. As they once reminded me, you must upkeep to keep up. People, even blood, stop caring if you don’t reach out. It’s human faltering due to conditioning.

-Nostalgia often paralyzes me from pushing forward. I fall into the understanding that things were, so I become tied down by pre-existing notions that play no role in who I am today. I am an adult, I deserve to succeed. The more I waste away, the more opportunities will fall away. I need to be in the right mindset and set my goals so that I may achieve them. Long term projects should not be long. Set an end or else you will never reach it.

3. The immediate future - my goals

-I have a program ahead of me. Finish it in one year.

-I have my professional degree to chase. Finish my entrance exams by the end of 2019.

-I have my research goals to meet. Read 3 new papers every week, find your specialty, publish in 2 years.

-I have my employment goals to meet. Make at least 5 figures by the end of 2019.

-I have my fitness goals to climb toward. Make that work out chart, exercise 3x a week, and do some other form of exercise 1-2x a week.

-I have my financial goals to meet. Limit your spending to $400/month.

-I have my personal growth goals to meet. Learn to cook a couple healthy meals, go for your pilot’s license before applying to professional school.