rewatching spn for the final time

you're 26 years old. you've devoted your life to your father's crusade. he has used your trauma to keep you under his thumb, to forge you into a good little soldier. you've stuck around, throwing away all opportunities to get away from him because you believe it’s your job. ever since that moment when your father shoved your baby brother into your arms at 4 years old and ordered you to save his life, you've given your blood, sweat, and tears to this family. you've ignored your own identity, believing you don't matter, because all that has ever mattered is the family and the mission. in your mind, you’re not a normal human. you’re just a tool, a means to an end. 

and your little brother - who you believe abandoned you the family to go to college -  looks at you and questions your sergeant's father's authority. it feels like a betrayal to your brainwashed, stockholm-syndromed mind. but, still, something in the back of your mind short-circuits at the words. something deep inside wonders if he's right. but you can't let yourself think like that. you can't. because if you do, and if it turns out he IS right, then that means you've wasted your life. you've given up every chance of being normal and maybe even happy to instead drown in this toxic situation all because too much responsibility was put on you at far too young an age. all because you were terrified of being alone with your trauma. all because you felt you had no identity other than being a tool for your father. and how can an empty shell of a man survive alone?