Wowza, itās been awhile. Why havenāt I been on here more often? Letās see...
First off, work. Work, work, work. Itās never-ending and consumes a large portion of my day. For the majority of the year I was working in sales at Nordstrom, and boy oh boy did I despise that job. I ended up quitting in the beginning of August due to traveling. Iāve been wanting to quit way earlier, but I guess I never had a sudden push and traveling kind of gave me that push to quit. I mean, I had to if I were to travel. And if you know me, I choose travel over everything.Ā
Once I got back, I became an intern for Vanessa Mooney. At first it was awesome because I had the weekends off and it was from 10:30-6, which was great for my sleeping schedule. However, things soon spilled downhill as it wasnāt the best job for me. Plus, I didnāt want to go into the jewelry industry anyways, I was just working there because I needed to pay off my student loans. Things didnāt last so long there because just a week ago, I quit.
Second of all, school. I graduated from FIDM with my AA back in March and I took some time off to figure out what my next step would be. I decided to take some classes at my local community college because not all of my credits from FIDM would transfer over to my selected colleges that I wanted to attend. This has been the most stressful process because itās so hard to find the time to meet up with a counselor to figure out the whole credits shenanigans. Not only that, but Iām second guessing school. At this point, I just want my bachelorās to make my parents happy. But I mean, it would be pretty sick to say I got my bachelorās.
Third of all, Iāve been traveling. I went to Hawaii for a week in August then at the end of August I was traveling around Europe for three weeks. I love love love to travel and see the world. Immersing myself into different cultures and lifestyles is one of the most rewarding and beautiful things to me. Iāve always heard people say how traveling is so fulfilling, and I 100% stand by this. I was also in Lake Tahoe this past weekend for the first time, and that was pretty rad!
Fourth of all, Iāve been trying to get my blog up and running and becoming consistent. I have so much content from traveling and shooting outfits in between work and school. I am absolutely in love with my blog and itās my child. Iāve always known to follow your passion. For me, my passion is blogging about fashion/ lifestyle/ traveling. Might I say, it is so damn hard. Itās what makes me so incredibly happy though so I canāt give up on it. I have one life to live and I want to be as happy as can be and live up to my full potential. Honestly, I see my potential in blogging. Letās just hope thatās my calling and thatās what I can find my success in.
Why am I coming back onto Tumblr at 5AM during the holiday season? Well, because Iām stressed, Iām stuck, and I am so utterly confused with life. This past year has been the best and the worst year of my life. Iāve lived through the most incredible experiences, Iāve been surrounded by my beautiful friends and family, and Iāve learned so so so much. Honestly, I have everything I need. But at the same time, thereās just this empty little hole in me. I probably sound so dramatic and clichĆ© but I canāt help but feel this way.
Iām at the age whereĀ āfiguring yourself outā is a thing and one of the biggest stepping stones in life. I am trying. Iāve hit a concrete wall, but Iām still trying. Iām trying my best to keep up with life and to continue doing what makes me happy, but at the end of the day, I just want to lay in bed and cry. Why? Because I donāt fucking know how to go about my life. I feel like Iāve grown up to go about it a certain way. Go to a 4 year college, graduate, get a stellar job, blah blah blah. But since the get-go, Iāve chosen a different route than to what I was expected to do.
I went to FIDM. A 2 year program where I would get my Associates degree. My parents werenāt really for it, but I insisted that it was my calling and it was my dream. Honestly, it was one of the best decisions Iāve ever made. I decided that I wanted to get my Bachelorās at FIT in NY, but again, my parentās werenāt really for it. I insisted, I applied with high hopes, and I got denied. Probably because FIDMās credit system is pretty fucked up. Anyways-
Now that Iāve graduated FIDM and didnāt get accepted into FIT, my life was a mess. Things werenāt going the way I planned for them to and I let that eat me alive. I had no back up plan and my parentās were not happy. This was back in the Spring time.
Fast forward to now, Iām taking classes at a CC to attain transferrable credits, Iām jobless, and Iām trying to pursue blogging regardless of the difficulty in reaching success through a highly saturated field. It scares the living shit out of me and gives me major anxiety thinking about what my next plan will be because I have no fucking idea.
I know Iāve disappointed my parents and that in itself, really hurts. But like I said, I am still trying even if I feel like a complete failure. At some point everyone reaches a breaking point, and Iāve hit mine. What if Iām not going to make it? What if my life is just one big joke? At this point, Iām playing with fire and itās not fun.Ā
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