thefadedpicture

I can't seem to fucking win. My body started to fuck with me last march, so I developed "health anxiety". They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but something was wrong, and because of that I got a lot of anxiety. And because of all the extra anxiety my body started fucking with me even more. All the symptoms I got were so extreme that I didn't think it was because of the anxiety, and I got even more anxiety, giving me more physical problems... I also developed food anxiety, and that again turned into an eating disorder... Some of the problems disappeared, but the problem that started it all is still there. Suddenly I got a fever and no other symptoms, then I started vomiting A LOT for a few days and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. Now I'm home again, but the stomach pains are a lot worse than they were before I went to the hospital, and my skin started doing some weird shit in the hospital and is still not normal, even after 4-5 weeks. My hair doesn't get greasy anymore, like, at all. I've skipped my period again, I lose a LOT of hair, I have problems sleeping, I wake up in sheer panic several times during some nights, my pulse is 20+ BPM more than my regular pulse, I have a lot of headache and feel dizzy a lot. And I know almost all of these things are because of the anxiety, but it's like.. my body is throwing so much at me that I can't handle the anxiety. Or, I can't handle the anxiety, so my body is just failing. And the therapist I've had the last 4 years is working somewhere else this year, so I've gotten a totally new therapist, and I need 2-3 years before I feel safe enough to talk openly with a therapist. I've only met the new guy once, and that's not enough to either tell him things or to feel safe. He's also a man, and I struggle a lot with talking to men, so I'm all alone in this "health-situation". And I just feel like I'm drowning. That's the exact feeling I have. I can't get "on top" of life anymore, because I'm drowning, and I can't get the help I need. Neither psychologically og physically. They can't figure out why I have stomach pains, or even why I ended up in the hospital... I wish I could get help for just one of the things, mostly psychologically, because if I could get SOME control, like, if I wasn't completely alone when the anxiety attacks comes at night and I have someone there to calm me down and talk some sense into me (because I'm scared of the stupidest shit at night), maybe some of the physical reactions would calm down, making the anxiety calm down even more, and so on...

And now, after losing my therapist this year (I can't even begin to explain how hard that is for me), ending up in the hospital without no explanation, getting a lot more stomach pains, getting hella lot anxiety and even more physical problems because of the anxiety. I was at my doctor's begging for just SOME kind of help because I need SOMETHING. I can't take care of my apartment anymore, or myself. I can't seem to do anything but sit and watch TV. And it's so unlike me, because everyone around me knows that I have control over pretty much everything. Like, my apartment looks pretty good all the time. I usually care about what I look like when I leave the house. If someone tells me something I remember it. I always remember everything. And I just can't... I can't.. do anything. I just watch TV and cry a lot. When I leave the house I don't wear any make-up, I don't bother to wear anything but sweatpants, or shower, really. I look like shit basically, and I don't even care. And I can't remember anything anymore because my brain has just shut down completely. 

And if someone asks what happened (because I don't have "typical" self-harming scars), I don't get as scared anymore. I tell them the truth (unless they're kids, of course), that I don't have the greatest way to cope with negative thoughts and depression. If they wanna judge me – go ahead. Most people seems to think we only do it for attention anyway, and if they wanna be that ignorant or judgmental (because some people do it to get attention, and there's nothing wrong with that, because they need it for a reason), then so be it. Someone once said "If someone jumps in the river to get attention and they're about to drown, you don't just stare at them and say "they did it on purpose, let them drown", you fucking jump in there and save them. It's the same thing with self-harming!

You try and harm yourself so much you need to get stitches, or till you lose feeling in your fingers. If you can't understand why someone would do something like that to themselves, then maybe you get how horrible people have to feel to do something that drastic.

It's always been something I've struggled with constantly. I do it over a month(ish) about 1-2 times a year. And because of that I know “both sides”. The times I don't struggle with self-harming I can't understand how I would ever do something like that to myself. The scars look horrible. I promise myself that this was the last time... and I have been for 11 years now. The times I do harm myself it's the most natural thing in the world. And I can't seem to harm myself enough, because the reason why I do it is to punish myself. I deserve it, and I'm 100% convinced of it. And what fascinates me/scares me so much about this, is to see how much depression takes over my brain. 

I’m really working on being more open about struggling mentally, and not being ashamed of it in any way. Because the only way people can understand how it is and learn about it, is to be open about it and not act like I’m doing something wrong. If people in my life have questions about it, it really makes me happy, because they’re comfortable enough with it to ask and have a conversation about it. And most important – they wanna learn. It’s worse when people act like nothing, because that’s when I feel like I should be ashamed. And I get that you never know how people will react if you ask about their scars or their diagnosis, because a lot of people don’t want to talk about it, so I don’t judge people for acting like nothing. They’re probably ignoring it to not make me feel uncomfortable. But for me, I don’t have the energy to pretend like nothing anymore, and to make up stories/make excuses for why my life is how it is. It’s harming me a lot more than being “too” honest and be labeled as “crazy” by people who don’t know any better.