Guess Iâll put this here.
Guess Iâll still use this old thing to vent like I used to. Leave a record I guess. I know itâs not always the best idea. I know someday if I ever become somebody important somebody might find these and use it against me in some way for some vulnerability.
But at the same time, maybe itâll help someone else. Maybe my depressed ramblings might save a live or prove useful. Who knows? I donât.
I hate reading my old writings here. I hate reading my writing usually in general.
Yet, I still write, why?
Because I wish I had somebody I could talk about these things to in private. And I feel like itâs important to leave a record of some sort of these thoughts that I had.
I donât really have a good reason why, just something instinctual. And maybe theyâll serve as a reminder, a proof of concept that the way we think does change. That the darkness really isnât forever, even if it really feels that way.
Itâs also good to vent. I donât really vent or do vulnerability well. The people I do vent to, tend to be people I love and feel comfortable around. Like, itâs always hard for me.
I love my friends, and I trust them, but being vulnerable is still a hard thing for me to do.
So around the people I do allow myself to be vulnerable around, I trust and am comfortable around. They hold a high value to me. And when they ignore me or donât know how to respond, it hurts.
While I understand they canât have the answers, it still hurts because I put myself out there to be vulnerable. To try to be understood or comforted. And, it didnât help.
So I write here I guess. Where, nobody really reads or monitors but I can vent. Freely, without burdening somebody.
I love her. The Phantom Captain. I donât think Iâm in love, but I love her.
Because sheâs someone I was able to feel that comfort and trust with. She understood, or so I thought, and so I think.
And I wanted to, want to, go out with her.
But she doesnât feel the same. Despite using the most powerful words I know, âI love youâ there is nothing I can do.
I know that fact, yet the feeling persists. That I love her, that I want her.
She needs space she said. So we havenât spoken for awhile and that hurts me.
I am doing my best in this time to busy myself, to better myself. And I feel like I am always falling short despite throwing my best at the wall.
This isnât a new feeling for me, but nonetheless it isnât a pleasant one.
I donât know. I donât know the path to happiness. The path to righteousness and of righteousness and doing the right thing.
And not that haughty arrogant righteousness or right thing that people go on about that has all the bells and whistles and glory and victory.
But the kind of quiet righteousness and right thing.
Jim Butcherâs righteousness. As he put it in so many better words:Â "But there were some things I believed in. Some things I had faith in. And faith isnât about perfect attendance to services, or how much money you put on the little plate. It isnât about going skyclad to the Holy Rites, or meditating each day upon the divine. Faith is about what you do. Itâs about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. Itâs about making sacrifices for the good of othersâeven when thereâs not going to be anyone telling you what a hero you are. "
There is a right thing to do. And I believe it isnât discounting or diminishing others to lessen the impact they had on you. It isnât running from the pain with drugs. It isnât just stopping loving or caring about somebody just because they donât feel the same.
Which isnât to say there arenât valid reasons for stopping unrequited love/feelings, like in the event of exploitation. But I donât think this is one of those cases.
I love this person. They mean alot to me. I see their worth, and it hurts me because I feel like they donât see worth in me. They donât feel the same connection or want for me and that hurts. To be undesired.
It makes me feel like Iâm not enough, that my best isnât good enough, and I worry that it might never be good enough. That despite how much I felt we were compatible or that things mightâve been good, they didnât.
But, I wonât let that stop me from loving this person even if common sense maybe says I should. Because I still believe they are worthy and worth it. That they deserve to be loved.
I love her and canât help but hope she might change her mind even knowing itâs not likely. That if all of my best that she managed to see didnât convince her, nothing will short of some push that is unlikely to happen.
I donât know how to win a heart.
And it feels like Iâll always be alone.
Ironic, my element is fire, and most of the time I feel cold. Iâm numb to most affection and maybe I just canât see the love that my friends have for me, although I try. I try to rationalize, I try to do the work. But sometimes, I just.
I get tired. I want to be comforted.
