Thee Michelle B.

It’s hard to believe 365 days have now passed since my working setup changed from 100% in the office to 100% at home. Why is it hard to believe? Because for the longest time I’ve worked on projects that would thrive off of the inaccurate perception that our jobs could not be done from a controlled work environment. Charge it to being a federal contractor and that just being a natural downfall of that type of work.

I feel a lot safer saying that publicly now that I am no longer a federal contractor, LOL.

At the beginning of 2020 I was blessed with an opportunity to work with a company I dreamt of working for since 2016… not to say they were horrible, because they weren’t… it was simply a case of the grass not being greener on the other side. I made a decision to take a leap and that leap taught me a lot about myself and cleared up expectations that I had centered around finding a great job to work under someone else. Everything isn’t always what you expect it to be.

After the great opportunity began (because it was still that in hindsight), I got pretty sick a couple weeks later. I experienced some frustrations with my status at the company given the abrupt sickness and not much support because I was new, but I think the biggest irritant was how quickly COVID was expanding and spreading. So, about 2 weeks after I got back on my feet from my sickness (at that point I had been with the new company for a month and a half) on March 13 we were instructed to do a test trial of working from home. That following Monday March 16, 2020 we began the official start of 100% telework “until further notice”.

Of course “until further notice” was initially intended to be approximately April 1, but as we all soon realized April 1 was not going to be a return date and being locked in the house permanently was the new reality… for me anyway, lol.

Since beginning my year of working from home I finished training for that job (because it was still new), I got certified in Amazon Web Services, went through a trying time with my home and wound up moving, moving on my own for the first time in 29 years, acknowledged that my dream job didn’t come with a lot of the things I dreamt for and decided once I reached the 1 year mark I would start looking for a new job and career path, and never started that search because I was offered a new position in a different field with a much larger organization that I had worked with for years.

Another unexpected blessing that I am truly grateful for. So, I started that new job January of 2021, onboarding fully remote.

I know 2020 wasn’t anything we asked for, but I think for me at least it was a year of stepping out of my comfort zone. I realized how much of an introvert I am, lol, but not necessarily because I don’t like people… more because of how tiring it is fitting into circles and groups of people that weren’t made for me the same way I wasn’t meant for them. That included doing things that weren’t for me.

I think working from home full time is a great thing for me. The only thing I would like back is the opportunity to go out and spend time with the people I do want to share my space, time, and energy with after being at home working all day. This opportunity has also shown me to stand up for my effectiveness of working at home on any job… they can’t possibly say it can’t be done now… it’s been done for days, weeks, months, and a year at this point. So, what’s the real excuse?

Employers have been granted the opportunity to work with their employees and build an environment that is truly balanced and supportive of the many different types of workers represented in the workforce. I even know some people that elected to continue going into the office because that’s what worked for them… I support that knowledge of self and what’s most needed to be productive and successful in any work environment presented.

At this year mark, my current status for going back into the office is still undetermined on an organizational level, and I am perfectly fine with that, lol. I have learned a lot of strengths and tips to be more productive and organized with any work that I do, and I’ve also learned my weaknesses… I know I watch waaaaaaayyyyy to much tv, LOL. But I get my work done!

Overall, am I thankful for COVID? Absolutely not, it’s taken so much more from us than it has given, but I have definitely decided to make the most of the circumstances presented. I am thankful to COVID, however, for the opportunity to advance in ways that may not have occurred otherwise. I can say I am truly proud of the ways I’ve grown and developed as a professional black woman in the corporate world, but also as a black woman in this day and time. I’ve found peace in just being me and standing up for myself in ways that I didn’t even fully realize I needed to.

In reflection of your last year, what’s been the best part of living in a “different” world as a result of the craziness that came with 2020? I know I didn’t write much, were you able to keep up with things you loved? Were you able to embrace family more? Are you still struggling with these new norms? I want to hear how your journey has flourished and developed!

This weeks affirmations:

I am a D.O.P.E. Black Woman!

No one else’s light shines the same as mine!

My life is beautiful, blessed, and bountiful!

I am an irreplaceable influence in the lives of those I love and those around me.

My story was made just for me.

Today I will conquer at least 1 fear!

I will not be made to believe I am less than anything. I am fierce!

God made me!

Girl! You are on fire! The only person that can stop you is YOU!

I dictate my own story, emotions, successes, and motivation. I have control over who I am.

I will leave a meaningful and influential mark on this world.

I am the only person that was created to be me. I embrace my unique purpose in this world.

My words are powerful and I will use them to not only uplift those around me but to uplift myself.

This week will be what I make of it, and I choose to speak positivity, wellness, and wealth into my immediate future.

I will make today a better day than yesterday, tomorrow a better day than today, and continue to claim the progress needed for my success. I can do whatever I need to do, because what is meant for me is for me.

I waited in excitement for this movie release from the day Netflix announced it. If you’ve watched Euphoria (Zendaya) and BlacKkKansman (John David Washington) I’m sure you understand what my excitement way. The idea of the movie had a ridiculously strong pull for whatever that reason may be. Could be the black cast, could be the thought of black love being on display, honestly, I’m not a thousand percent sure what caused the excitement outside of the cast as simplistic as it was.

WARNING! Spoilers are in the following, if you want to wait to read after you watch, stop here.

Well, to start, the idea that this movie was based on an actual situation that occurred in Director Sam Levinson’s life was presented to me, and I decided I wanted to do a little research on that. Because he, a white man, cast 2 black characters to portray this, what I would view as important, milestone in his life. I mean it must be important to make a film about it, right? Well, after my slight research I found an article with him and his wife, Producer - Ashley Levinson, discussing the conception of this movie. Essentially, he posed the idea of this film with a filmmaker that forgets to thank his partner at a premier, and they both found it a funny idea because they were certain this more than likely happened to them at some point in their relationship. His wife’s viewpoint is that these characters both represent him in battle with himself. Interesting thought.

My best friend that mentioned this idea of the movie’s reality based scenario also posed the question about why I thought the decision was made to film the entire piece in black and white. My immediate answer, “because no matter how simple we try to make things, nothing is just black and white. Especially in relationships. No matter how black and white we want the story to be, the truth is the characters are too complex.” Not to mention a simple film wouldn’t hold watcher’s eyes for more than 5 minutes. But because artistic interpretation is a thing, I did ponder on what it could mean to have this white man tell his story through black actors, and similar to my initial reaction I thought it’s about the complexities of being in a relationship whether black or white. There are so many racial discussions going on in the country right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was an attempt to show both black people and white people suffer from similar issues and we are more alike than people like to believe.

There was also the contrast between giving the film an “old school” feel with the credits, the selected music, the black and white filter, etc., and the modern day “ailments” of technology. I did enjoy the simplicity of it, however. I feel it was done in that manner to ensure viewers focused on the issues being presented by the film; differences between men and women, lack of appreciation, what love really is, drugs, success, acknowledgement, narcissism, emotional/mental abuse, and the list can literally go on and on.

As for my thoughts on the movie:

What black household eats boxed Mac and Cheese like that? It was so good to Malcolm that he went back for seconds…

Yes, that had to be the first point even though there were so many anything things to name first, like the fact that Malcolm forgot to thank Marie for a movie that was clearly based on her life, which later reveals he has a type.

I would have felt a way too having people walk up to me after I said it was fine, continuously reminding of the fact that I was publicly forgotten by the man that say’s he loves me.

Taylor…. would have caught the hands a long time ago.

Since he clearly has a type, did he just keep looking for women to pull “inspiration” from until he realized he found the perfect subject in Marie?

They’re both toxic contributors to their relationship.

There were a lot of below the belt hits in their argument, but in Marie’s defense she said nothing good would come from them discussing the issue at that moment in time. She’s self-aware that they’re toxic, he however seems disconnected from that fact.

The entire issue was truly about Malcolm not thanking her, and it took a 2 hour argument for him to apologize and thank her for things that she had to remind him she’s contributed to his life… it has to be 3am/4am at this point.

What did we do all of this for?

She disappeared TWICE but was still there in the end, and I don’t understand. I would have been happier at that end if she had either left or died unexpectedly, and truthfully if she had just left I’m sure they would have reconciled in some way, so death would have been a better ending in my personal opinion.

I think my biggest issue with this movie is it didn’t have a purpose. I get it was for awareness and acknowledgement of things that do truly arise in relationships, but thinking of the story line and the plot, what exactly was the resolution? I think deep down I already knew there couldn’t be a purpose to the film even before I sat down to watch it, but while watching it was just confirmed that there really was going to be no purpose and/or ending to the movie. By all means shine light on serious issues, but give people a purpose to sit for a hour 46 minutes, without feeling like they just decided to watch an argument without a consolation prize.

The acting was absolutely beautiful, however! I thought Zendaya and Washington Jr. did a great job of embodying their characters and really putting themselves out there in this world of uncertainty. They definitely gave life to their respective parties in the film and drove it home for me. The reason I really wanted to watch the movie essentially ended up being the exact thing I loved most about it; the cast.

I would say check it out if you haven’t already, it can be a little triggering and hard to watch at points but I think it can make a difference in how you interact in your different relationships. Well, it can definitely attempt to, sometimes it takes experience and life to really makes us evaluate how we treat others and stop making detrimental decisions in these relationships that we say we hold dear. Gaslighting is not love; listening to respond is not effective; and you don’t have to take defense to somebody expressing how they feel because both of your feelings are valid.

Welp, let me know what you thought!

Be D.O.P.E!

Daily affirmations to remind yourself of everything we often lose site of while caring for the world:

I am a D.O.P.E. Black Woman!

I am Determined. Optimistic. Powerful. Encouraging.

I am the giver of my happiness, feeder of my light, and director of my story.

My words speak life into every ear that hears them.

I am capable of more than my wildest dreams!

Beauty is within me. Beauty lives in my heart, in my mind, in my veins, and is the electricity in my fingers that transfers to everything I touch.

Yes, I did make the right decision.

Today, I will not minimize my light for the benefit of others. I will bring them into the light with me.

I am a conqueror, I WILL defeat my fear today.

I am all I need to validate my strength, courage, success, and value.

I am an outstanding and extraordinary black woman. Nothing and no-one can take that truth from me.

The legacy I am building is worthy of my black inheritance.

My story will effect change in the lives of so many.

I do not accept defeat because failure is a part of success.

I’ve been getting all types of questions, for the most part they equate to “What’s up with you and your blog?”

If I could answer that question… You probably wouldn’t be asking it, honestly, lol.

Before I get into that, I want to say thank you to everyone that really supports me, pushes me to overcome these types of things, and really wants to hear what I have to say. You are greatly appreciated, I love you, and I definitely want to be here doing this for you!

Now… to me.

I’ve felt a lack of words to speak, or maybe just a lack of being heard… in my personal life, but of course that immediately translates to my creative life. Even now, I decided to take my own advice (which I’ve given to a few friends of mine) to just… write.

What’s on your mind? What have you been up to? What are you looking forward to?

I couldn’t even begin to answer those questions. Considering the influx of blessings I’ve experienced (i.e. the new apartment, making it through 2020, starting a new job), I’ve found myself feeling very underwhelmed. Not sad necessarily… well, not sad all the time. Just, underwhelmed, majorly. Trying to figure out who I am, what I what, how to make assertions… they all seem like quite difficult tasks to me.

I recognize that all of these things are a part of growing up, also, more than likely a part of learning to live on your own, but sometimes it just feels like a chore. Having to choose to “be” is different when you don’t have somebody in your space 24/7. It’s actually quite easy to just become a hermit and not want to be bothered with anybody, lol. I’m laughing… I know that’s not funny, but it’s funny how honest that statement is. Living alone, you have to figure out who you want to “be” for yourself, not for your roommates, not for your significant other, not for your parents… just for you. Because you’re the only person in that space… always.

Up until now my journey to 30 has been a big motivating topic for me. Covid hit and I didn’t share a lot of 2020 with ya’ll or anybody outside of those experiencing with me. Now, 30 is looming over my head in ways I want to express… I will express, in time.

Truthfully, this blog began to feel really heavy as an eye into my thoughts and my vulnerability. High level when I started it felt like a release, and just a tool to help others like me. Although, that is still its purpose, I know I need to reevaluate how I go about that and what it really means to me. Not as a release, but as a creative venture that will eventually pull truths out of my history that I find hard to face. As a public sounding board for acknowledgment that I don’t always feel as D.O.P.E. as I want you to feel.

I’m human…

But you already know that, lol.

I want to write, but I don’t know my direction, I don’t know my goal, I don’t know my desires right now. Or maybe I do and I’m fearful of what comes with embracing those things…

As simple, and inconspicuous as even this entry probably reads, there’s a lot of anxiety sitting in my chest, welling in my eyes, because facing your truth is hard… it’s abrasive and scary.

What’s up with me… honestly, I’m working to get back to this baby of mine and to come back in a manner that is impactful to you and anybody else that reads what I choose to share… aaaaaannnnndddd I need to go back to therapy, lol. Not a funny topic, but if you read that in my voice, I’m sure you get why I’m chuckling… I’m nervous, lol.

This… is my acknowledgment that I dropped the ball here.

I’ve stepped away from myself to figure out who this next version of myself really is. AND THAT’S OKAY! Please don’t read this like I feel shameful or anything… learning new pieces of yourself is just a piece of life. We are all ever changing, ever growing, and ever needing for new and different things as we mature and experience the world as created by God. I just know I’m aiming to be a better me.

Soooooo, I am definitely, definitely, definitely making the effort to come back and take Michelle B to the next step! There’s a story tell and I’m the only person that can tell it, I know! I have a lot of things I want to say that I know are not going to make some people happy (I hear ya’ll saying it’s not about them, lol), but I still have to prepare myself for what comes from truly truly being vulnerable in a space like this. Just be patient with me :).

So, let’s start this conversation… what’s up with you? How have you been feeling? What’s your D.O.P.E. story to kick off 2021? I’m thinking of some new ways to really come back and share more of myself and be more interactive with the world, to give more voice and more personality to these words of mine. Just pray for me sis the way I’m praying for you!