The Twelfth Eleven

And now I've calmed down. And yet now while I feel more stable, I feel more miserable. Why? Just look at everything I've posted over the past 48 hours. I've been dealing with this for a long time now, it's like there are two different sides to me. A Jekyll/Hyde sorta thing. The stable side, which is basically the me people usually see. The one that seemingly has public adoration. And the unstable side which is the me people usually remember. The one that throws it all away. The one which has tried multiple times to kill me and only comes out if the equilibrium of my life is damaged severely by a negative event. (Such as a break-up or sending an overly harsh text). The unstable side endlessly vocalises the issues it has, and capitalises on my anxiety and depression and causes more damage than anything else. It shouts for the rooftops, bursting like an overfilled pipe of gaseous anger. I'm literally torn between wanting to end myself and trying to get through, despite the damage I've caused. I've practically alienated nearly everyone I know, so on the off-chance I decide to fucking put down the knife for a day, I have a gargantuan shitstain on my life to clear up. Question is; Is it worth it? I don't even know any more. I don't mean to be a bad person. I just end up doing shitty things on occasion. I'm sorry. :(

Thank you for understanding. Eh, I just don't know. I honestly don't. But thank you for your time.

You speak of it like it’s easy to just move on from the fact that I broke a promise. It’s not a trivial matter that I can just brush under the carpet, the situation is still ongoing and shows no sign of improving. Honestly, I’m sorry, and I don’t mean to be infuriating, but I messed up horribly and perhaps it would be best if no one spoke to me and in turn I never say another word. I don’t want to cause any more pain.I’ve as of now turned off anonymous messages. 

You're too kind to me you really are. Everyone is. You're too lovely. Thank you. I may not be able to see it but still, thank you.

They'll forget me soon enough. They'll be happier to see the back of me I'm sure tbh after what I did. They don't like me anymore.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I don't hold out any hope.

This friendship meant the world to me. I promised this friend I would help them, take care of them if they were ever hurt. I didn't think it would be I doing the hurting. And that in turn is why it hurts. So. Much.

I'm sorry. But... I just do. I don't want to hurt anyone, I honestly don't. That's why I wanna do this, to stop hurting people.

I've lost everything and everyone. I don't. I'm sorry but it's true. You are all much too kind to a selfish, pathetic asshole like myself I deserve what I get. There's nothing to pull up from. I ruined everything. I'm sorry.

The tough times are the only times. I can't deal with this. I appreciate the support but please... I don't even know who you or any of these anons are but I still can't risk hurting you or burdening you too.

But... There's no way that anyone can help me. The only thing that will help is if a broken friendship that I destroyed with my own arrogance and selfishness can be mended and by God I know it can't. They want nothing to do with me any more. I hurt them. I never wanted to but I lost control and I did. I'm a monster.

My friends don’t need to be burdened with someone like me any more.

I don’t see how preventing people from wasting their time is an insult. And I disagree - it’s not stupid, it’s just. I’ve had enough of always letting people down, promising I’d always be there for them and then breaking that promise. I’ll only end up doing it again and again. Enough. Maybe the day I end up totally alone will be the day I can truly say I deserve what I have in my life.