not a frequent user of social media. obsessively addicted to about four fandoms. ships rare or unfavoured pairings. oh, and suffers horribly from Writer's Disease. not hereditary, and completely incurable.
come chat with me about writing, dogs, cats, fandoms, baking, or...[static crackles]. I'm friendly and sarcastic 😉
(Also! I take fic requests...there's a link for my guidelines post in my intro)
okay, first of all, heya, and i'm "thedogbard" or "N". I'm socially awkward irl, someone who pretends to be an introvert to disguise my loneliness, and someone who is really good at random living-life shit and not so good at anything specific (like maths) (ugh).
i originally made a tumblr account to promote my fanfic magnum opus. so here it is:
But firstly I'd like to specify that I do NOT support JKR. I have owned the books for years, and before I got tumblr, in Sep 2025, I didn't actually know what she was doing. Almost all of the fanfic I've written was before that. Writing fanfic does not give the franchise profit, but it might give the author or reader a bit of happiness. Anyway, I'm trying not to write anything else for the HP/FB fandoms now, and I'm steering well clear of the HP show. I don't judge you if you're an HP fan as long as you don't support JKR, so please extend me the same courtesy.
December 1993. Newt Scamander appears in Hogwarts, clutching a battered suitcase, claiming to have just been duelling Grindelwald alongside Dumbledore - who’s now aged by sixty years.
Lord Voldemort is on the rise. Dementors surround the school. A Muggleborn Slytherin witch is fighting to find a place in the Wizarding World.
And, well, Newt’s just sort of there.
Fully completed: a Newt Scamander x original female character story, spanning the events of the HP books. Posted weekly on ao3, quotev, fanfic.net, and wattpad.
I'm an incurable writer. Original stuff, fanfics, all kinds of sh*t. I also love reading, dogs, animals in general, baking, walking, and laughing at the random stuff my brain comes up with. I also have controversial ships. Live and let live, please.
Fandoms I'm in or love: Skulduggery Pleasant, Harry Potter/Fantastic Beasts, Lockwood & Co, Dr Strange (movies), Sherlock BBC (also ACD Sherlock, Mary Russell series, and Elementary), Day of the Jackal, The Aeronauts, Little Women...and possibly more? I've read all the Riordan books...
Individual books I love (and their fandoms): Jane Eyre, Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Villette, Shirley, (or anything by the Brontes), Emily's Ghost, The Blue Castle, Knights of the Borrowed Dark trilogy, The Lost World and The Poison Belt, I Capture The Castle, Little Women, and many more I can't think of right now. Little-kid-me demands that I also add A Little Princess and Coral Island to this list...
Music I love: Roxette, Taylor Swift, Adele, Emeli Sande, Enya, Dua Lipa, and some other select songs, like Money Run Low by The Score.
Songs I can't stop listening to that might well be a part of my DNA by now: Haunted, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, Listen To Your Heart, Anywhere Is, Getaway Car (my no.1 spotify wrapped this year, and i'm not ashamed), I Knew You Were Trouble, The Look, This Love, Wonderland, There's Nothing Holding Me Back, Blow Your Mind, The Wind and a bunch more. If you're a Swiftie, DM me your favourites. Let's agree and argue and have fun!
I am so emotionally mature for my age that I've been told I have the soul of a pensioner. It was a compliment and I'm taking it as such.
In one country I am tall, decent-looking, and socially funny. In another I'm average-heighted, average-looking, and averagely-funny. Which is weird for my esteem and opinion of myself. Whatever.
I'm not a very ambitious person. My great dream in life is to be an author. I'm also funny, weirdly knowledgeable about niche things, and addicted to chocolate. (It's becoming a problem).
Send me asks or interact! I'll send asks or interact in return - or random asks whenever I'm bored. I love meeting new people. Whoever, whatever you are, just so long as you're not a...Think of all the worst kinds of people. If you're not one of 'em, then hang out with me.
@the-archivist-system is my beloved adopted sibling and one of my best friends 🐾 They're the only one who gets to call me Logios, because of this post!!✨️
Thank you to @dramatic1nlyf for this amazing moodboard!!!!
(right at the bottom, in uncertain small print...): if you want you can request a fic. Here's my "guideline" post.
Oh and I'm adding these posts here so I can never lose them because OHMYGOSH
AFJAFSGHHDAF THANK YOU @skeletal-spire-man-aka-overfit this literally made my YEAR
okay wait - @catastrophiccblues I'm also saving this here because it's too good to ever lose ✨️
And lastly, here are song lyrics from songs that have stuck to me like glue, arranged to tell a vaguely coherent story.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
You’ve got the words to change a nation but you’re biting your tongue
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows?
And you know it’s never simple, never easy
Wasn’t it beautiful, running wild till you fell asleep?
I’m only one, but not alone, my finest day is yet unknown
You go there, you're gone forever, I go there, I'll lose my way
God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
I attend Christmas parties from outside
It’s all fun and games til somebody loses their mind
There’s no comfort in the truth, pain is all that you’ll find
I held that grudge till it tore me apart
It’s the first time, the last time, we ever met
It's no surprise I turned you in, 'cause us traitors never win
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes
And now they’ve broken you like they’ve broken me, but a shattered glass is a lot more sharp
And if I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too
I pass it and lose track of what I’m saying, cause that’s where I was when I lost it all
Always learning everything the hard way
Some say illusions are her game
Don’t you worry folks, we took out all her teeth
And nobody comes to save you now, but you got something they don't
When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken
I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
When you’re young, you just run, but you come back to what you need
So, baby, can we dance, oh, through an avalanche?
You don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?
Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world
"Don't you see the starlight, starlight? Don't you dream impossible things?"
Climbed right back up the cliff, long story short I survived
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I really just have to summarize Thomas's entire life:
He was in a committed relationship with a male swan named Henry for 18-24 years before a female swan named Henrietta showed up and mated with Henry.
Thomas was initially jealous of the pair and attacked them, breaking 2 of the 5 eggs Henrietta had laid. However, once the remaining eggs hatched, Thomas warmed up to them and helped raise them.
Henry couldn't fly because of an injured wing, so Thomas taught the cygnets how to fly.
When they needed to reduce the goose population in the pond where Thomas and the swans lived, they dyed Thomas's feathers red so he wouldn't be separated from Henry.
Henry, Henrietta, and Thomas remained in their happy throuple for years and raised 68 cygnets before Henry died in 2009. After Henry's death, Henrietta found another swan and flew away, leaving Thomas alone.
Thomas finally met and mated with a female goose in 2011 and had his own babies. However, another goose named George stole them and raised them himself.
As Thomas grew elderly and blind, he was relocated to a wildlife center where he raised orphaned cygnets.
His caretaker at the center described him as "pretty high maintenance."
Thomas died in 2018 at the age of around 40. He had a funeral that included a small coffin and a procession that was led by a bagpiper. He was buried under the stone where Henry was buried, the two finally reunited in death.
Before and after his death, Thomas has been celebrated as an icon of the LGBTQ+ community for obvious reasons.
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June 1st is TOMORROW. It means that GAY PEOPLE will exist, but only for ONE MONTH. Do not forget to buy your tickets to see them NOW, or else you will have to wait AN ENTIRE YEAR to be able to meet them AGAIN.
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Anyways, N you gotta admit that you're a freakin genius when it comes to your craft and an absolute wonder of a human being who definitely owns a farm and lives in a fairy forest and though it's not the epitome of cool according to most that is what I think the best thing to ever happen to me personally would be :P
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This chapter is like, one step on from the Reader, I married him of Jane Eyre.
“I’m your friend, and if you ever want any of the Stirlings spanked and sot in a corner send for me.”
IMAGINE. IMAGINE IF SHE’D RETURNED TO DEERWOOD AND DONE JUST THAT. IMAGINE IT.
“I may go home tomorrow,” said Valancy, “but I’m not going back to Deerwood.”
Personal anecdote time! I’ve very recently rescued a dog, and in the shelter when they were saying goodbye to her, one of the volunteers said, “You’re going home now, aren’t you?” and I nearly started crying. In fact, excuse me, I’m nearly crying again, because she’d never had a home, and she didn’t know us, but now this is her home, and she’s currently lying on a bed destroying a toy belonging to my other dog, and okay I’ve sidetracked with this. I feel like I had a point to make here, but I can’t quite think how. Anywho.
“We’ve had a damned good time of it together, and that’s a fact,” said Roaring Abel. “You’re the best small sport in the world, and your little finger is worth the whole Stirling clan tied together. Goodbye and good luck.”
I love Roaring Abel SO. MUCH.
I WANT THE MOVIE. I really want the movie of Valancy waiting, full of anticipation, listening to Barney’s car coming down through the forest.
“Going home, Miss Stirling?”
It’s such a mirror of their first meeting.
“I thought I’d run down and ask if there was anything I could do for you,” said Barney.
Valancy took it with a canter.
“Yes, there is something you can do for me,” she said, evenly and distinctly. “Will you marry me?”
I’d very happily just stick the entire rest of this chapter in here, but that’d take me a while to write out. Barney’s reaction is a tiny bit odd. I guess he’s just absolutely shellshocked? Which he would be.
…while all the dead Stirlings revolved rapidly in their graves and the living ones did nothing because they did not know that Valancy was at that moment proposing lawful marriage to the notorious Barney Snaith.
I just love this book SO SO MUCH OHMYGOSH.
Barney opened it with the air of a man thankful to find some safe, sane thing to do.
I’m cackling.
“You won’t even have to pretend you like me. If you marry me I know you’re only doing it out of pity.”
Valancy. I can’t tell if you’re being incredibly stupid or incredibly brilliant.
“And you’ll have to live back on my island. I won’t live anywhere else.”
“That’s partly why I want to marry you,” said Valancy.
Barney peered at her.
“I believe you mean it. Well - let’s get married, then.”
There is just something incredibly crack-fanfic-y about this whole exchange but I love it anyway.
“He’d shake his forefinger at me and I’d jilt you at the altar.”
See! They’re engaged (well, kinda) and less than two minutes later they’re bantering like an old married couple! One of my favourite ships EVER!
“Will you marry me as I stand?”
As someone who adores friends-to-lovers and slowburn and all that kind of thing, this is a very very important question. Will you? Do you choose the unshaven, grubby man you love, who understands you and makes fun of your relatives with you, over the classically handsome idiots like Cecil Price?
“Yes,” she said.
And that’s why I read friends-to-lovers and slowburn and why I love this book so much and still reread it, enjoying it as much as if I’ve never read it before, even five years later.
Barney put his hands over the gate and took her little, cold ones gently in his.
“Valancy,” he said, trying to speak lightly, “of course I’m not in love with you - never thought of such a thing as being in love. But, do you know, I’ve always thought you were a bit of a dear.”
*screams* because this is SO romantic and beautiful and just - taking her cold hands! Over the gate! In the place they first met where she asked him to get codfish!
But also…this makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable. Because, like, less than five minutes after his whole ‘we won’t lie’ thing, he tells a lie.
ANYWAY, next week’s chapters are going to be SO interesting to read and write about…
