not a frequent user of social media. obsessively addicted to about four fandoms. ships rare or unfavoured pairings. oh, and suffers horribly from Writer's Disease. not hereditary, and completely incurable.
come chat with me about writing, dogs, cats, fandoms, baking, or...[static crackles]. I'm friendly and sarcastic 😉
(Also! I take fic requests...there's a link for my guidelines post in my intro)
okay, first of all, heya, and i'm "thedogbard" or "N". I'm socially awkward irl, someone who pretends to be an introvert to disguise my loneliness, and someone who is really good at random living-life shit and not so good at anything specific (like maths) (ugh).
i originally made a tumblr account to promote my fanfic magnum opus. so here it is:
But firstly I'd like to specify that I do NOT support JKR. I have owned the books for years, and before I got tumblr, in Sep 2025, I didn't actually know what she was doing. Almost all of the fanfic I've written was before that. Writing fanfic does not give the franchise profit, but it might give the author or reader a bit of happiness. Anyway, I'm trying not to write anything else for the HP/FB fandoms now, and I'm steering well clear of the HP show. I don't judge you if you're an HP fan as long as you don't support JKR, so please extend me the same courtesy.
December 1993. Newt Scamander appears in Hogwarts, clutching a battered suitcase, claiming to have just been duelling Grindelwald alongside Dumbledore - who’s now aged by sixty years.
Lord Voldemort is on the rise. Dementors surround the school. A Muggleborn Slytherin witch is fighting to find a place in the Wizarding World.
And, well, Newt’s just sort of there.
Fully completed: a Newt Scamander x original female character story, spanning the events of the HP books. Posted weekly on ao3, quotev, fanfic.net, and wattpad.
I'm an incurable writer. Original stuff, fanfics, all kinds of sh*t. I also love reading, dogs, animals in general, baking, walking, and laughing at the random stuff my brain comes up with. I also have controversial ships. Live and let live, please.
Fandoms I'm in or love: Skulduggery Pleasant, Harry Potter/Fantastic Beasts, Lockwood & Co, Dr Strange (movies), Sherlock BBC (also ACD Sherlock, Mary Russell series, and Elementary), Day of the Jackal, The Aeronauts, Little Women...and possibly more? I've read all the Riordan books...
Individual books I love (and their fandoms): Jane Eyre, Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Villette, Shirley, (or anything by the Brontes), Emily's Ghost, The Blue Castle, Knights of the Borrowed Dark trilogy, The Lost World and The Poison Belt, I Capture The Castle, Little Women, and many more I can't think of right now. Little-kid-me demands that I also add A Little Princess and Coral Island to this list...
Music I love: Roxette, Taylor Swift, Adele, Emeli Sande, Enya, Dua Lipa, and some other select songs, like Money Run Low by The Score.
Songs I can't stop listening to that might well be a part of my DNA by now: Haunted, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, Listen To Your Heart, Anywhere Is, Getaway Car (my no.1 spotify wrapped this year, and i'm not ashamed), I Knew You Were Trouble, The Look, This Love, Wonderland, There's Nothing Holding Me Back, Blow Your Mind, The Wind and a bunch more. If you're a Swiftie, DM me your favourites. Let's agree and argue and have fun!
I am so emotionally mature for my age that I've been told I have the soul of a pensioner. It was a compliment and I'm taking it as such.
In one country I am tall, decent-looking, and socially funny. In another I'm average-heighted, average-looking, and averagely-funny. Which is weird for my esteem and opinion of myself. Whatever.
I'm not a very ambitious person. My great dream in life is to be an author. I'm also funny, weirdly knowledgeable about niche things, and addicted to chocolate. (It's becoming a problem).
Send me asks or interact! I'll send asks or interact in return - or random asks whenever I'm bored. I love meeting new people. Whoever, whatever you are, just so long as you're not a...Think of all the worst kinds of people. If you're not one of 'em, then hang out with me.
@the-archivist-system is my beloved adopted sibling and one of my best friends 🐾 They're the only one who gets to call me Logios, because of this post!!✨️
Thank you to @dramatic1nlyf for this amazing moodboard!!!!
(right at the bottom, in uncertain small print...): if you want you can request a fic. Here's my "guideline" post.
Oh and I'm adding these posts here so I can never lose them because OHMYGOSH
AFJAFSGHHDAF THANK YOU @skeletal-spire-man-aka-overfit this literally made my YEAR
okay wait - @catastrophiccblues I'm also saving this here because it's too good to ever lose ✨️
And lastly, here are song lyrics from songs that have stuck to me like glue, arranged to tell a vaguely coherent story.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
You’ve got the words to change a nation but you’re biting your tongue
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows?
And you know it’s never simple, never easy
Wasn’t it beautiful, running wild till you fell asleep?
I’m only one, but not alone, my finest day is yet unknown
You go there, you're gone forever, I go there, I'll lose my way
God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
I attend Christmas parties from outside
It’s all fun and games til somebody loses their mind
There’s no comfort in the truth, pain is all that you’ll find
I held that grudge till it tore me apart
It’s the first time, the last time, we ever met
It's no surprise I turned you in, 'cause us traitors never win
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes
And now they’ve broken you like they’ve broken me, but a shattered glass is a lot more sharp
And if I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too
I pass it and lose track of what I’m saying, cause that’s where I was when I lost it all
Always learning everything the hard way
Some say illusions are her game
Don’t you worry folks, we took out all her teeth
And nobody comes to save you now, but you got something they don't
When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken
I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
When you’re young, you just run, but you come back to what you need
So, baby, can we dance, oh, through an avalanche?
You don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?
Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world
"Don't you see the starlight, starlight? Don't you dream impossible things?"
Climbed right back up the cliff, long story short I survived
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I'm that which waits between dreams and reality and what you see in the corner of your eye which was never there. I am all that both is and is not. I am the shadow upon your subconscious mind and I am me.
A while back my pharmacist saw my deadname on my profile and accidentially called it out, he corrected and deleted my deadname from the system so only my preferred name shows up now. There was a crowd of people behind me, so as he hands over the pills he apologized, in equal tone and volume as when he called my deadname and lied saying it's been a long day and he didn't mean to call out -his own- name. I quietly told him it was fine and he didn't need to do that for my sake.
His response: "No, it's my name now."
I went to the pharmacist yesterday, his nametag is my deadname. He informed me he's immigrating and in the process he's changed his first name to my deadname to have an English sounding name. That's why he's now able to get a reprint of his nametag to be my deadname. And repeated, with the intense seriousness of someone who is going to die on this hill: "It's mine now. Not yours. I'm taking." His tone indicated that decision is final.
Bro literally deadnamed me once, and has committed to flat out stealing my deadname. It's his now. Legally. Officially. I over heard his co-workers call him by the name.
“I’m going to the Port. Will you go there with me?”
His eyes were teasing and there was a bit of defiance in his voice.
Barney and Valancy have known one another at Roaring Abel's and on a dark road up-back. Now Barney is issuing his first challenge to Valancy: will you be seen in public with me? Will you be ashamed of me, like others have been before?
And Valancy is JUMPING into that car, dust-clouds trailing behind her without any shame.
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From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this
I hosted parties and starved my body
Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss
The jokes weren't funny, I took the money
My friends from home don't know what to say
I looked around in a blood-soaked gown
And I saw something they can't take away.
Not to be a drooling socialist cuck, but if a full day's labour can't purchase three square meals, 24 hour's worth of rent and utilities, a fraction of a month's clothing budget, and a reasonable portion to be saved for when you can no longer comfortably work, what the fuck are we doing shit for
she is a princess and you are a dragon. she will be married tonight. do not keep standing outside of her room like that, go inside. go get her. that is what proper dragons do.
not that you have ever been a good or proper dragon. when you hatched out of your egg, your eggtooth was too smooth. the other dragons were rough with you, put little holes in your wings.
you were not bold. you were odd. you liked rippling water and the shine of chitin when bugs scuttle and of course the movement of the stars. those were all acceptable interests albeit maybe not traditional. perhaps you had inherited these through some great-great-uncle or something. certainly a dragon may be wise, or clever, if they are not bold.
yes, you have been a great deal of a puzzle to the other dragons. your body is smaller and rather more soft than it ought to be. so speed should have been yours, perhaps - your mother said it would be like fighting a shadow. if a dragon is not aggressive, it may instead be cruel, sly; a backstab. but alas your scales - so iridescent that they almost shine like the moon at night, a glow from within - you are not a shadow, you are a beacon like the flash of a knight's blade. your father has said at least you would make a fine egglayer, a nice mate to a good male. a dragon like you may still be a good mother perhaps; and that is a fine thing to be; although of course it would have been better if you'd been a trove-hoarder instead.
what a dragon must not be is kind.
you have watched her now for six moons. what a good and proper dragon would do is to go inside and to snatch her. a very proper dragon would have kidnapped her many times over, but you will be the delight of your brood to princess-snatch even at all. when you catch her in your jaws and bring her home, they will love you, then. they don't think you're capable of it, but you are, because you're a proper dragon. you can show them that. if you go in, now, right now.
you are rather too glossy to hide in the shadows, so instead you have learned how to appear flat and round, a puddle of light. (how your siblings would mock you! a dragon should be matte, to blend with the night). you dapple your flank with mud. you perch in odd angles atop of trees, scuttle like the bugs you love - hither, tither, frantic.
what you must not do is fly with your wings full-out. alight, you will be limned by the moon's corona. you will be a beacon. you must remember this when (not if) you snatch her.
____
you found her because of the lake. this lake in particular was your favorite - nestled deep in the woods, between two mountains. it is very quiet; there is nothing to horde there so no other dragon bothers you. a gentle waterfall spills over into a deep cove, and there are many mossy caves you've spent your afternoons napping in. while it is not proper for a dragon to prefer such things, you like to lay in rolling tenure just under the water. you have become excellent at holding your breath, can do it for hours. it is the easiest way to appear as a patch of sunlight.
she was not sunlight. she was the night's joy. the dark press of water. her face at first concealed by many diaphanous layers. her breathing quick and quiet.
she had pulled them back to drink from her water flask. and there she had been: a princess. your first very-real princess. right there, only the reach of a single talon from you. if you had simply lunged then, you would have been able to take her easily, in one single movement.
but you did not take her.
she had startled you a bit; you'd been daydreaming about music, which you'd just discovered, and rather liked. you'd heard it from a little house while you snuck in and stole their sheep.
but you knew the sound of fear, of being followed. you'd been chased too many times, you knew what it looked like. the rapid jolt of fear.
you smelled her then; cinnamon and onyx, and perhaps that was what had blinded you. perhaps your mouth was just watering. whatever the case, you waited until she had fled back into the forest; and then you waited a bit longer. in her wake, a garrison of men, their hands rough.
oh. so they were not knights. they were just men chasing a young woman through the woods. perhaps they did not even know a real princess had been running from them. well, that was a relief. you are not good at fighting with knights, who have swords instead of cudgels. these were just men, so you rose from the water in the quiet way you'd learned from the fish. they did not hear you coming.
and besides. proper dragons do violence so well.
___
once you had smelled her you could find her, although such things have always been easier for you than for the others. you spend a great deal of time studying things - it allows you to analyze them. you have tried to explain to the other dragons that sometimes it is best to slow down, but of course no dragon should be slow.
at first you did not understand the confusion of the people's umwelt. they relied so much on their communication (only words and actions!) and what they could see with their eyes. you and the other dragons did not use these as much; but you liked prying out the little sonic differences between hello that means "i like you" and hello that means "i don't like you."
so it took you a while to learn that you were responsible for what had happened to her. men had gone missing, and even bad men going missing makes a big fuss. (you know that if it had been girls missing, it would be okay. many proper dragons steal girls because it will not bring a knight to their door). for a while she had been trapped on the palace grounds. it was determined that it was no longer safe for her to be just a princess, she must undergo some human transformation and become a wife.
even so. you had gone looking for her (only to study, of course, so you may know how to snatch her best). but that night you saw her descending from the window of a castle, quick and agile, moving like a whisper, clad almost entirely in black. you could see her quite well of course, although you were not seeing her; but instead her heat and her smell and her sound and all the other sensory noise all humans give off.
you followed her, keeping yourself in a cloud so you appeared as if mist. she stole off into the woods. you were interested in that, and watched her scuttle - although of course you could have taken her then, you wanted to study your prey as best as you could. she did not seem to do much in the woods, only run around cry into her little hands.
she appeared to be looking for something. she did not get far that first night; scurried back to her bed. over and over this happened - she would run as far as she could, only to go back again. it seemed rather boring to you, but of course you had been free your whole life.
and then one night - finally, she arrived at the lake. she sank to her knees then, her hands pressing into the water. her head tilted to the sky. her dark hair spilling in a caught breath behind her.
this is how you heard her voice for the first time. when she came again the next night, she did so more quickly, more assured. straight to the lake, as if it had called her.
she had skipped a pebble over the surface of the water. this action was dangerous, because it almost hit the sail of your wing. you had structured yourself very finely to look like a rockslide.
"three months." her voice was like her: it was deep and smooth and dark, a low violin string. "they want me to marry that bastard in three months."
and then she cried into her hands again, and the sound of it almost broke you.
you followed her maybe more than a proper dragon should, after this. more than just back to the castle and her bed. you hid along her daily walks and watched her in the throne room and saw her out riding horses. she was good with dogs and nice to her people and very much a proper princess, although you had heard it said a proper princess ought not to slip out at night and run around barefoot through the woods.
you discovered she is terrible with directions. you have often had to make a path more clear so she could get home again. she cannot hunt better than an egg; you have had to kill fish and push them subtly up to the shore.
but she appears to love the lake as much as you do. you have seen her read by candlelight (how foolish. the entire woods saw her each time). you have seen her build little paper boats to float along the surface. you have seen her strip her many layers and dive in, have seen her lay with her belly to the sky, floating like she is suspended by the hands of darkness itself.
oh. so she loves the stars, as well, then.
__
you must go in. she will be married tonight. that is a human thing, but you have since learned what it has meant. she will go to somewhere else, and you will not see her again, maybe ever. and then how will you be a proper dragon? go!
you have made yourself in the form of a gargoyle, hiding in the white stone. you can see into her room; and the tapestries that seem unlike her. everything in her room is very bright, which is bad for a proper dragon. there are many knights in the hallways and in their rooms, and their smell is itchy and repugnant to you.
her dress is white, which does not seem like her. you have only seen her wear black. she is sitting at some kind of desk, and she is crying again. she smells of cinnamon still, but moreso of grief. you can feel the heartbreak in her as if it was inside of you.
you cannot watch her cry anymore. you have watched too often without moving. that is shameful.
you nose the door open. you can move quiet, because you are not very big. she is within a cave of you, then a wingtip, and then she is standing up, looking into your eyes.
"it's you." her hand on your jaw is warm. "i thought i was imagining you, you know. i turned around that day. i saw what you did to those men. i have been looking for you since. i told everyone that i had an angel to protect me. they locked me in here anyway."
you are not an angel, you are a dragon. you have to keep your wings locked tight or you would explode the walls of this place. it makes you feel big, suddenly. you are not used to that sensation. you do not like to be locked in a tower. you believe maybe the princess does not like to be locked in a tower either.
you take her in your jaws. she is very small, and does not resist you. although you are not a strong flyer, you must take off in a single push. any other movement would be too slow. you must also hold your breath so you do not smell her, the clove and cinnamon and little bird of hope. your mouth would water and you would drop her.
against the full moon, you do the thing that is impossible. you stretch yourself out all the way, a bold and beaming arrow, and you fly. you can hear them cry about you now, loudly. a banner that would strike pride even into your father: dragon. dragon. dragon.
on the eve of her wedding, you snatch the princess from her tower.
an arrow whisks for you, and then dozens, and then hundreds. you are not afraid of pain. you have learned long ago how to fly with holes in your wings. you hold her very gently still, and you push past the smell of your blood.
in the night you are a star. someone somewhere could look up and see you and make a wish.
there will be another lake, you decide. you can find another lake. somewhere very, very far from here. however long you must fly, however long you must hold your breath: you will take her home, because you are a proper dragon.
___
sometimes they come for her, your treasure. you have built her a little castle here, deep in the forests off the map. and of course for you: a silver round lake like the shift of her iris. you bring her books and she brings you bugs to study. you let her saddle you, and together you ride through the clouds and fog banks. she is a shadow on your back; a warm and velvet thing. she makes you music and lives the way she should; free in the night like a promise.
but they do come. you have stolen a real princess, and they do not want her to be a princess. they want to make her into a brood mother, or into bait, or into prey. they always look into the caves first; into the places proper dragons stay. they are real knights, not just men with sticks. they are loud and their smell still makes you itch.
but she has made you brave now, and cunning. if a dragon is not big, it should be cunning. and since you are a proper dragon, and since your treasure is your most precious thing, you lay in wait.
let them come. you will let the light drip off of you, and then you will pour through them.
afterwards, your princess will tell you a story around the fire. she will patch your wounds as she did that first time. she will sing to you.
and in that moment, neither of you will be a title nor a story. she will just be herself, and you will just be you.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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This chapter evokes such a strong feeling of calm summer evening, it's like the reader is right there with Valancy and Barney. We'll talk if we want or we will be silent if we want.
“Evidently John Foster says a sensible thing once in a while,” conceded Barney.
But Valancy's John Foster quote was about being friends, so that means that Barney agrees that they are friends. In their first conversation in the book (when she asks him to bring the codfish), he called her 'Miss Stirling', they have not called each other anything since then but I think we can take it that they are now on first name basis.
She knew quite well now that she loved Barney. Yesterday she had been all her own. Now she was this man’s.
Breaking news, sky is blue.
I don't usually criticise LMM's writing style (her writing choices, for sure, but not the way she writes), but I could have done without this paragraph:
Valancy was perfectly happy. Some things dawn on you slowly. Some things come by lightning flashes. Valancy had had a lightning flash.
Or just keep the first sentence. Then get rid of the rest and follow it with: "She knew quite well now that she loved Barney." I think it would be more effective. You don't need to announce that Valancy has a lightning flash, when next thing you tell the reader what the lightning flash is. Especially as in this case, the reader already knows it!
However, I find no faults with the following paragraphs. Pure beauty!
She was one of a vast sisterhood—all the women who had ever loved in the world.
Anna Runkle of the Youtube channel Crappy Childhood Fairy says in one of her videos that a woman in love is universe's greatest force. This chapter made me remember it. In the beginning, Valancy bemoaned the fact that she has never been desired, even if she preferred old maidenhood over being married to someone like her uncles. But now that doesn't matter. I want to say that unrequited love sucks... but for Valancy, at this moment, just loving is enough. And honestly, discovering that you can still love after years of numbness is, well, the greatest force in the universe.
Now check this out. Valancy thinks of the wind--she envies it, how it can go where it likes and so. And next thing, Barney tells her he dreams of going ballooning. "sailing through the clouds—seeing the glories of sunset—spending hours in the midst of a terrific storm with lightning playing above and below you—skimming above a silver cloud floor under a full moon". Curiously similar thoughts.
So she tells him all about her life and why she went to Chidley Corners. I don't know if I'd want to tell a guy about my Blue Castle, though--maybe later, when I've known him for longer. I'd feel silly. In complete contrast to her family, who wrote her off at 29, Barney tells her she is still young. (Also, she says 'you couldn't understand', she said the same thing to Abel.) And he's able to tell that her clan thinks her mad. So she was right from the very start--Barney does understand.
And then he wraps her in his coat so that she doesn't feel cold! *swoons*
So Uncle Wellington had got a car!
I wonder how the rest of the clan reacted to this.
“Mr. Stirling, I asked you if you could let me have some gas. If you can, well and good. If not, we are only delaying you unnecessarily.”
Basically, either be useful and help me out with some gas, or go off on your way. He put him right in his place.
Poor Uncle Wellington has never before been faced with such a dilemma. New experiences, Uncle W.
I think Olive is actually right about Valancy "getting it from the Wansbarras". In LMM's realm, family traits make you who you are, but also, we were told already that Grandfather Wansbarra was the one with the imagination or unusual ideas. Valancy herself was glad to be compared to him.
Poor Olive felt the implication. The Port Lawrence Prices were not accustomed to ally themselves with families whose members “worked out.”
Gosh I think the Prices might be even more stiff than the Stirlings. Methinks Olive needs her own villain arc. She should have run away with that unsuitable guy.
Wouldn’t it be splendid if she could induce the prodigal daughter to return?
She wants to score points with the clan.
They all want her to come back, but they must have noticed that she looks better. So far we've only had Uncle Herbert and now Olive confirm it, but they all must have noticed.
Uncle Wellington climbed foolishly and feebly into his car. He wanted to give Snaith a piece of his mind, but dared not. Who knew what the creature might do if provoked? No doubt he carried firearms.
If he had, then the party at Chidley Corners would have ended differently. But he might have a firearm at home? He lives in the wilderness.
It's so funny that Uncle W calls Valancy a 'hussy'. Considering her old self, that is quite a change!