A Total Dork And Loving Every Minute Of It

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

The trouble is that nearest Yankee Candle Company store was a bit of a trek, and my schedule tended to prohibit this olfactory adventure.

So for the last few weeks, as I’d scroll my Tumblr dash and look at images of attractive manly men, I’d sigh and wistfully think, if only I could engage another sense with this image. If only I could I could truly fathom the ideal fragrance of this man.

And then this happened.

And I knew.

I knew whatever was happening, I needed to get to a Yankee Candle Company. The scent of Mountain Lodge would transport me instantly to this scene. The aroma of this infamous candle could make me live out a self-insertion Avengers fanfic.

So I got in my car, made the drive, and located the Yankee Candle Company.  The store was crowded with holiday shoppers. My nose was immediately assaulted by hundreds of warring scents.  

I battled through the sea of humanity and the Angel Wings-Merry Marshmallow-Magical Frosted Forest assault, buoyed on by my need to understand what Steve Rogers ripping a log in half with his bare hands smelled like.

I waded toward the back of the store, only to discover the man candle section seems to have been discontinued. What was I going to steady myself on, once I found my scented gateway to hanging out with the Avengers on Hawkeye’s farm? I felt lost, adrift, unable to find my bearings amid Soft Blanket-Fluffy Towels-Home Sweet Home.

And then… rising from the “Fresh” display, there it was.

Mountain Lodge.

It was the moment of truth. What would it be like to smell this infamous candle?

I opened the lid. I took a deep breath.

And I giggled.

Ah yes.  This was it.  This gentle, pleasantly masculine fragrance, in fact, reduced me to what I’d probably do in the actual presence of Chris Evans: giggle like an idiot.

The smell makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me gently swoon: all reactions that, indeed, can be elicited by an ideal man. I can barely handle the true power of Mountain Lodge.

Several months have passed since this discovery. I have regaled friends with the saga, and after hearing of it, they, too, felt the burning need to smell the candle.  One by one, we have all become Mountain Lodge converts. In times of need, this candle is our refuge. Our group has developed escapist superpowers, infused by the Yankee Candle Company. 

THE CANDLE, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND.  

As male geeks, a great deal of our identity is built on the notion that male geeks are, in some sense, gender-nonconformant, insofar as we’re unwilling or unable to live up to certain physical ideals about what a man “should” be. Indeed, many of us take pride in how putatively unmanly we are.

Viewed from an historical perspective, however, the virtues of the ideal geek are essentially those of the ideal aristocrat: a cultured polymath with expertise in a vast array of subjects; rarefied or eccentric taste in food, clothing, music, etc.; identity politics that revolve around one’s hobbies or pastimes; open disdain for physical labour and those who perform it; a sense of natural entitlement to positions of authority (“you should be flipping my burgers!”); and so forth.

And the thing about that aristocratic ideal? It’s intensely masculine. It may seem more welcoming to women on the surface, but - as recent events will readily illustrate - this is a facade: we pretend to be egalitarian because it suits our refined self-image, but that affectation falls away in a heartbeat when challenged.

Retro Game Room Version 2 I needed to patch the walls and paint, so I thought I might as well change it all up.

23 different consoles and handhelds, about 450 old games. Framemeister xrgb-mini upscaler so it doesn’t look bad on a new tv, handmade custom MAME cabinet, and a fuzzy chair and fuzzy carpet :)

Apr., 2010:  “Matt is quite… sexy! i shouldn’t say this, but he is. quirky and mad professorish, but also quite sexy.”

Nov., 2013: Do I get a courtesy email if another bloke is going to have a go at ‘my wife’?

Feb., 2014:Don’t give him Alex- not ‘my wife’/ I’m possessive over Alex

Mar., 2014: ‘if any of you have ever loved someone who lives a long way away’

Apr., 2014: favourite person to kiss: its got to be Alex

May, 2014: favourite guest star: Alex Kingston. She is our number one.

Aug., 2014: Oh, yeah, no, she’s part of the family, Alex!

Feb., 2015: Alex’s fave River Song moment: Kissing Matt Smith & Matt saving her in TToA

Apr., 2015:

Fan: How good a kisser was Matt Smith? Karen *turns to Alex*: You kissed Matt. Alex: You kissed him too! Karen: You kissed him more. [laughs] Okay, let’s put it this way - he kissed you back! Alex: He was…he was…um..spoilers?

May, 2015: Alex: A major Doctor that I have kissed. because its very important she highlight that every time

May, 2015: Matt Smith (on Alex slapping him): “she slapped me a lot…but it’s cool cause it’s alex and there’s something wonderfully erotic about it. to me,[alex is] the most erotic woman you could ever meet.”

May, 2015: Alex Kingston: “It was just a slap!”

May, 2015: Alex Kingston (hardest scenes?):  “Anytime I say goodbye to Matt, it’s always hard.”

May, 2015: Matt Smith (in the joint panel with Alex): (are goodbyes always hard?) *looks at Alex* “Its always hard when it comes to you”

July, 2015: “I’m your Doctor; nobody else is allowed to be this. Me.”

Presumably, July 2015: “You’re my River”

November, 2015: Alex Kingston (which Who episode she would like to take place in real life): *first reaction* “Which was the episode where I first kissed the Doctor?”

Feb., 2016: (say thank you to my tumblr grandma @notmumrn)

Feb., 2016:  “Now why did Alex sign on top of me? Ugh, you can’t do anything with her *signs on top of her*”

Mar., 2016: (the entire slcc DW panel. no seriously, the entire panel)

Mar., 2016: Both (favourite moment to film during TWoRS): (without really answering the question - eh just go watch the slcc panel)

Mar. 2016: Alex: “we just have a lot of fun. you know, he is bad”

Apr. 2016: Matt (on his favourite scene with Alex):  “Alex is just a dream to be around"

Jun., 2016: (About Matt Smith): “A bit soft and squishy.. Not too muscular.. A bit thin and ropey”

Jun., 2016: Alex (One event I will never forget): Landing on top of Matt and kneeing him

July, 2016: Alex: “We’re kind of mates”

July, 2016: David and Peter are fantastic ‘but we’re not as close as I’m with Matt’

July, 2016: “Matt Smith….he’s a naughty boy…the naughtiest of all”

Sep., 2016:  “I would like to go back to the diner where I slapped Matt Smith in the face, and I would just like to watch that on repeat”

[A/N: Open your books to May, 2015]

Sep., 2016: “Arthur and Karen are both phenomenal kissers. But Alex Kingston is the top.”

Sep., 2016: Matt (on who he was close to on set): “My companions…. and my woman.”

like

ALL this shit

I’ve never gotten the opportunity to play it, so I’m just looking at it from the outside

and seeing all this shit

 @owenabbott​ 

Apply to a  job, wait (1) day, then call.  Give them your first and last name. Tell them you submitted an application and that you’re very motivated to find [Enter field name] work. Let the conversation lead you wherever it takes. Be very polite. Say” thank you for your time, I’ll be looking forward to hearing back from you.” Rinse, repeat. This is to force them to be looking out for your application. 

 When you get to the interview, shake their hand firmly,  tell them your first and last name.  

Describe your experiences  as “ two years transcription and data entry” if you have a desk job interview and “ [however many years]  costumer service, retail and stock” for your retail jobs.  

Don’t use job “ buzz words” I stg they hear them all day. Say  things like, “ I’m detail oriented and am very good at taking instruction.”  “ I would like to work for a company with integrity and I feel that [ company name] would be a good fit”

When they ask you if you have “reliable transportation” say  YES. don’t tell them what kind of transportation, just say yes. (if you don’t do this, you wont get the job , I’m telling you right now). 

Research the company. Know what they do, why they do it, how OLD the company is. WHERE it was founded, and what kind of position you’re intending to apply for.

When they ask you “ give us a situation where you had to blah blah blah” Make one the fuck up. Make yourself sound good as hell, and like you put your company’s needs slightly above the customer’s needs, but make the customer happy. 

If they ask you about being outgoing, Say you “like to focus on your work so you can concentrate on doing things right” (which buys you out of having to act friendly all the time)

Questions for after the interview:

1.  Does this position offer upward mobility?

2. Do you enjoy working for the company? (if you’re not interviewing for a temp agency who will send you anywhere)

 Then, shake their hand,  Ask them to repeat their name (REMEMBER THIS) say thank you for your time, wish them a nice day and leave. write their name down outside if you have to, just remember the fuck out of it. 

AFTER your interview, send a card directed to the name of the person who interviewed you (I’ll give you them) that says “Thank you for the interview, I appreciate the opportunity. have a great day” This shows  that you have an understanding of professionalism, and will have them thinking of you kindly (or at least remembering you) when they’re shuffling through the choices. 

DO NOT tell them you just moved to the city over the phone.  In person, tell them you just moved to the city. Make it sound like the only reason you need a job is because you moved. Not because you’re desperate. 

__________

 The titles of each section are key words you can use to search for jobs on Snagajob.com  and Simplyhired.

Data Entry:

http://citystaffing.com/job/data-entry-specialistsmailroom-clerk/?utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed

https://www.roberthalf.com/officeteam/job-search/chicago-il/data-entry-clerks-needed/43517752?codes=IND

http://www.simplyhired.com/job/data-entry-specialists-job/chicago-transit-authority/jepfivkhjk?cid=udsowkxtausyzitcfeecaeuzoxkltmbl

https://jobs-theprivatebank.icims.com/jobs/3435/temporary—data-entry/job?mode=job&iis=SimplyHired&iisn=SimplyHired&utm_source=simplyhired&utm_medium=jobclick&mobile=false&width=792&height=500&bga=true&needsRedirect=false&jan1offset=-360&jun1offset=-300

 Front Desk:

http://localjobs.joblur.com/jobapplication2/?jobid=99957&subaffid=300006&JobType=Food%20/%20Bev%20/%20Hosp&ix=1&c1=99957

https://jobs.ajg.com/job/-/-/109/1256110?apstr=%26src%3DJB-10280

https://pepper.hiretouch.com/job-search/job-details?jobID=32066&job=receptionist

http://accesscommunityhealth.hodesiq.com/jobs/default.aspx?JobID=5203566 (this one is close to the place you rented.)

http://ihg.taleo.net/careersection/all/jobdetail.ftl?job=R113601&lang=en&media_id=24863&src=Indeed&src=JB-10920

https://covalentcareers.com/employer/listing/86450f8517588197c9b04f5068ed4300/detail/?apply=1&ref=indeed&v=30&utm_source=indeed&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=indeed_optical

http://www.careerbuilder.com/jobseeker/jobs/jobdetails.aspx?APath=2.21.0.0.0&job_did=JHN0KY6823WBWZX21VM&showNewJDP=yes&IPath=JRKV0F

http://www.simplyhired.com/job/front-desk-receptionist-customer-service-sales-job/rosin-optical-co-inc/qaeoquzgdi?cid=ivdnhijkmxchdanahwfoupazcwisfnxt

http://www.simplyhired.com/job/receptionist-front-desk-job/all-us-jobs/fonj7wmldf?cid=trhyvmfcsgjltxkjxkemyinsjveewfjp

Other jobs you don’t need a degree for that aren’t retail:

Dental hygenist ( yeah, seriously, who knew!) They also make about 40,000 a year)

Stenographer-Court Reporter

Surveyer ( you need a certificate for this, but its something you can get while working a temporary job and doing this on the side. Also, they make like $55,000 a year sooooooo) https://sjobs.brassring.com/TGWEbHost/jobdetails.aspx?jobId=1406428&PartnerId=16023&SiteId=5118&codes=IND

Real Estate Broker

Purchasing agents, except wholesale, retail, and farm products ( basically you arrange to buy large things) they make like 60K

Claims adjuster 

Loan Officer

Subway driver (trains) they make like 60K,

The “give us a situation where you blah blah” questions are what’s called behavioural interview questions. They are looking to assess a personality trait rather than a skill level. Usually the traits they are looking for are listed right in the job posting: time management, teamwork, customer service, etc.

Before the interview, Google “behavioural interview questions.” You will find ones that apply for the traits the employer is seeking, and you will also find information about how employers score these questions.

In the interview, try to figure out which trait(s) the question is trying to find, and tailor your answer accordingly. A customer service answer isn’t always the best choice if they are looking for your leadership ability.

Answer these questions using the STAR method:

Situation - background to the story you’re about to tell

Task - what the problem/challenge/goal was

Action - what you did and how it went down

Result - how your action solved the problem/challenge or achieved your goal, and improved things for you and others going forward.

(Bonus: show some forward thinking. How did you act to keep the problem from happening again?)

HALESTORM’s Lzzy Hale joined AVENGED SEVENFOLD on stage last night (Friday, January 12) in Nashville, Tennessee to perform a cover version of PINK FLOYD’s “Wish You Were Here”. Fan-filmed video footage of her appearance can be seen below.

The concert at the Bridgestone Arena marked the opening show of AVENGED SEVENFOLD’s North American tour with BREAKING BENJAMIN and BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE.

“Wish You Were Here” is one of several cover tracks featured on the deluxe edition of AVENGED SEVENFOLD’s latest album, “The Stage”, which came out last month.

“This is the song that started us down the rabbit hole with our recent cover recordings,” said AVENGED SEVENFOLD frontman M. Shadows in a press release. “I’ve always loved this song, and though I felt it would be impossible to capture the somberness of the original, we approached it with another purpose. There’s a poignancy to the song that seems appropriate with everything going on in the world today. We put a bit of a modern twist on it to reintroduce it at a time when it might help capture what some of us are feeling.”

AVENGED SEVENFOLD’s headlining tour was originally supposed to happen last summer but the band changed its plans after getting offered a support slot with METALLICA on the latter band’s stadium run.

HALESTORM last year entered the Dark Horse Recording studios just outside Nashville to begin recording its fourth album for a 2018 release. Helming the sessions is Nick Raskulinecz, an acclaimed producer who has previously worked with RUSH, KORN, ALICE IN CHAINS and DEFTONES, in addition to having produced HALESTORM’s third covers EP, “ReAniMate 3.0: The CoVeRs eP”, which came out in January 2017.

Photo credit: Rafa Alcantara of TWENTYFOURCORE Productions