The Diary of a Crazy

So, it's been a while, I know. But as time progresses, so does a person - hopefully. 

Right now I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm working out to get better, eating healthier to feel better, and working on relationships so that the future can look a little better from where I'm sitting. 

This blog will be changing for the better - stay tuned! 

I've been scrolling through cute little pictures of couples in love and listening to love songs for at least the past half hour. It's pathetic. I've never been the type to admit to myself that maybe it would be nice to have someone around because honestly, as much as I tell myself that I'll be okay alone, I know I would be a lot happier if someone else was there with me. 

It's amazing how little things like this can make you think over your whole life and wish that you could go back and do things differently. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I still do a lot of things that aren't so great. From losing my virginity at thirteen to a guy that was three years older than me, to constantly being with multiple men that are completely wrong for me. 

I'm pretty sure I've made myself a reputation over the years, and not a good one either. I've jumped from boy to boy way too many times that sometimes I even lose track of my number. I guess in a way I deserve all this. I have guys trying to get with me from every direction, and yes, it is flattering at that moment but deep down I know it's just to use me, once again. As time went on, I just gave in. I convinced myself that they weren't using me, I would use them because that's how things have to be with me. I need to be in control. They can't ever screw me over because I will screw them over before that can even happen. 

The trick is to keep it strictly physical. None of that best friend shit. That's a definite no-no. I've also learnt over the years how to pick up on little hints that someone might be falling for you, and that's my cue to back off and move on. 

I stayed up all night last night studying for a Calculus test. This is my second time taking the course due to the fact that I had to take a medical leave last semester and had to drop it. My point being, all the more pressure to do well because a lot is riding on this. 

Anyways, while studying, I noticed myself gaining more and more energy throughout the night. At first I was relieved because I did kind of need it to keep on studying, but then it hit me; I was having a manic episode. 

It didn't really make sense to me because for once, I really was taking my meds properly. But I have just started taking lithium, and I know that pills don't fix everything. Big deal, my dosage most probably needs to be changed, but I guess in the meantime I could deal with it. At least this time it hasn't come to the point where I'm debating on killing myself. 

I guess there are pros and cons of being manic. I'm more encouraged to do things I would normally just procrastinate on however, I'm also impulsive, meaning I don't think before I do. I just do. It can get really bad. It has gone really bad before, but last night I guess it falls into being  minor issue, because God knows, my issues can go up to being the size of Jupiter. 

I turned on my phone and started texting the last person that I had gotten a text from: Harris.

"Let's make out."

Harris and I have a pretty okay relationship. He's dark-skinned, with a tall and skinny figure. Black, somewhat curly hair that's paired awkwardly with a long and skinny nose. He's sort of awkward looking, but I guess it's because of his reputation that girls tend to lean towards him. 

I'll be honest, I was never really attracted to him. I mostly just like the attention I get because well, it's flattering and sometimes hearing that you're beautiful and cute and smart and funny makes all the difference in your day. He's also a really sweet guy if he really feels like you deserve his kindness. 

I remember once while I was still dating Cian, I got really depressed. I have this spot I go to sometimes at a park nearby when I'm feeling down, and that's where I went right after school. Coincidentally, Harris had called while I was there. I guess I sounded pretty sad on the phone because he came and met up with me half an hour later. It was pretty nice of him, and ever since, my respect for him had grown. 

My hand later on had lingered into his pants... but that's besides the point. 

"I can't right now, maybe another day," he replied back to my text.