The Delights of Uncertainty

Leave her alone.

She even implicated I had an incestuous emotional attachment to him. I love my brother? I — you know what the fuck LOL

Having to explain the difference between period pads and incontinence pads to the shopper and then they send a picture of the baby aisle AND YOU WANT TO PUNCH THEM THROUGH THE GODDAMN PHONE BC IT’S ALREADY BAD ENOUGH YOU HAVE TO USE INCONTINENCE PADS TO BEGIN WITH

I just, whatever is easiest.

I overheard Warren tell him “you’re in the chunko, I’m in the cool one”.

My aunt lived in California and cared for my grandma up until a few months before she passed. My grandma suffered from strokes and had a pretty advanced form of dementia. My aunt left knowing that my grandma should’ve been admitted to hospice, and knowing that my dad was also on his last leg.

We became homeless and stayed (illegally) at my grandma’s assisted living home (my three bros + dad), and since I was attending an alternative school I helped out with both my grandma and dad at home. I was 12-13. I was changing diapers, prepping meds, doing feedings. She called me by name still, but only because I’m named after her mom so in her head I was mommy, I was e______.

My grandma passed Aug 15th, my dad Sep 8th.

I was 14.

Lots of shenanigans, my aunt never checked on us. Never talked to us personally. Told people I was a bitch. That I was bossy. Mind you, at the time this lady is like in her mid 60s. I was 14. Fourteen.

Anyways, I’ve been no-contact for a few years from all sides of “family” including adoptive. Complication being I was adopted by family. She chose to keep a relationship with them despite me telling on one of the members for sexual assault. Still nothing. She chose them over and over.

Last year she reached out to my brothers. It didn’t surprise me bc she was dying. She needed someone to absolve her. She wanted an easy apology. She wanted her repentance with someone who wouldn’t question her intent. My brothers, I love them, but they’re soft in these instances. I don’t fault them. I was forced to be a G LOL

Anyways, I sent her a message after I found out the guilt trip she put on them… left on read.

People suck, and people say they change but still suck.

“_____ said I should go up there for the holidays to get closure and get past things.”

I asked about closure for what and to get past what? She stumbled over her words and we ended the call shortly after.

The thing is, I’ll always be the villain in her story. She lost custody of us for lying about being abused by my dad when I was 8. I need y’all to understand the weight of this for the time because my hwite mom was denied custody of us circa 1997 in ORANGE COUNTY California to my black dad. A mom being denied custody AND to a black man in that area in that time, unwed 🤯

My dad died when I was 14, and I asked her to sign paperwork to let us move to Georgia to live with our cousins who my dad had asked to care for us (y’all know it didn’t end well).

Anyways, I never visited with my mom after the custody thing bc prior to that she had kidnapped us. Like we were legit milk carton kids. I didn’t trust her to ever bring me back to my dad, so I simply denied every visitation.

I’ve made an effort to be cordial with her, but I don’t feel any parental or familial attachment. I don’t even get sad about not having a motherly connection anymore.

But her implying that SHE wants closure and to move past things really triggered me LOL

Like you were the parent. You made bad choices. I don’t throw them in your face or call you out, but I also will not grant you peace of mind. It’s not me being petty or unmovable… it’s simply not my problem.

It has taken me so long to get to this arena of acceptance with her that I refuse to let her desires bump me out of it.

Wholly homeschooling this year!

Formally withdrew Jade from her program, and now everyone’s on the same page.

It’s weird and cool and different.

I love it! Her first big homeschool project is a cross from English, science, science, and history… a Book of Bill conspiracy tri-fold that includes only stories she’s read and thoroughly researched.

Some backstory…

My bio-mom did not raise us, nor was she married to my dad.

My dad raised us solo, and passed when I was 14. The day after he died, my uncle (his twin brother) made me sign for his check to deposit it. I had a feeling we would never see that money, so I bought the entire Marmalade Boy manga collection before they could take it from us (which they did).

My bio-mom legit tried to blame my little brother for this bc he shares our dad’s first name, but absolutely wild that the dates were on the paperwork + he would’ve been 12 at the time of transgression.

All of this to say…

Hwite women…

Stop, get some help.