La Necia.

On the other hand, I am pondering writing one about the "literacy crisis" with some Marxism sprinkled in as per.

Quick recap: this is the original voice memo in question. Listen to it.

They had a first date, he apparently propositioned her already because he mentioned "I know you said i don't know about that" and "[not having sex on the] first date is fine but..." but he propositions her again. People are suggesting this is fine and clear communication because she "didn't say no." I can't believe I'm saying this, but clearly we've regressed as a society, but not only is that literally rape culture, but anything other than "yes," should be presumed to be a no unless shown or told otherwise. Period. Weren't we all there when we got the "clear and enthusiastic yes" PSA?

People are saying that if she doesn't want to have sex with him, she should not suggest a date at her home. Not only do we have no context for that (it may have come up organically in the date, she may have said "oh next time I'll cook for you" innocently, it may have been his suggestion, we don't know), but also you all do realise that you can invite someone to your home without it being an invitation for sexual intimacy yes? Is it something I would do for a second date? No. But I am not her, and I am a rational adult who understands that being invited to someone's home in and of itself is not "consent." This, too, is rape culture. Should something have happened to this girl, people would have said that she should have known better because inviting him over is "practically asking for it" right?

This guy is not setting boundaries or being "honest," this guy is dehumanising her. Do you guys not understand how dehumanising the content and the subtext of this text is? He is saying that he does not want to spend any time with her, does not care to get to know her, did not really even care for the first date at all, unless he gets something out of it. This was obviously not a situation of some guy on Tinder stating in his bio that he's looking for something casual, he is not telling her "upfront" or being "honest," he is dehumanising her. Now, I understand that this point doesn't land because our entire culture and society has become dehumanising and lacking in decorum, respect, or politeness. In no universe was this any of that, and it would have been dehumanising even if they had agreed on having something casual. This is how he is talking to a literal stranger. He is talking to a stranger as if she is nothing but a hole for his pleasure. He says he wants to "fuck" and if she's not okay with that he has no interest in spending any time with her whatsoever, and the first date without demanding she put out was apparently some kind of gratuity? This is degrading and dehumanising. If hooking up was so important to him, he could have simply told her after the date (the date where she said she "wasn't sure about that" aka did not consent when he asked her before) that he enjoyed his time with her but that he didn't think they were compatible and leave it at that. He chose the most dehumanising way of going about it because he does not see her like a full human being, despite dressing it up in "nice" language. I honestly thought we were all aware of the "nice guy" shtick since the 2010s but apparently not. The fact that we have normalised treating, and even speaking to, people – even those we want to be casual with – in transactional ways is a testament to the rot of bourgeois ideology honestly. This is not two people doing what they want to do, this is completely stripping someone of their humanity and personhood, treating them with disrespect and only caring about your own pleasure or whatever else you want to get out of it.

You cannot, as someone so aptly put it, "pre-order" consent. As consent is something that can be revoked at any moment – and I mean any moment – asking for it weeks/months/days in advance with no idea of what other circumstances, or even what state of mind or connection or rapport, comes up when the date arrives, is not being serious about having consent. Look at the implications here: if she had said yes, he came over for the date, and for whatever reason (including her simply thinking he's not compatible with her or he's not as nice as she remembered) she decided she no longer wanted to engage in relations with him, he would likely say that she's being a tease or "led him on." How do I know that? Because I live in actual existing reality, in our actual current society not some utopian version of it.

I have actually had a very similar conversation with someone on a dating app before when I still used them. It did not get to a date because we quite quickly realised we were looking for vastly different things, but we had an interesting conversation about our respective dating philosophies. He told me (already aware that I was not going to be the person he was looking for, mind, we'd already established that) that he thinks physical compatibility is important to the extent that before he even considers whether or not a girl is worthy of his time, energy, and commitment, he would like to sleep with her, wake up next to her and then see how he feels. This is extremely dehumanising and frankly misogynistic, but not unlike this voice memo I already knew what that actually meant and I am imparting this on you all so you don't get got by men who do not have your best interests at heart and merely want to get their ham twisted if you will: what that means 99.9% of the time is that he wants to sleep with you, he gets what he wants out of it and presents it like an audition for a role that does not exists, and then you will never see, hear, or speak to him again. In his case, and I think this is important as general wisdom for you girls especially, he was looking for women outside of his native culture because the women in his own culture wouldn't put out and expect marriage and commitment. If that's okay with you and you want casual too and you're open to it? Go into it with your eyes wide open.