Struggles and Triumph
There is an abundance of struggles that I have faced and overcome in my life. With 11 years of childhood trauma and mental abuse, I was diagnosed two years ago with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and clinical depression. This may have been my DSM-V diagnosis but they don't quite paint the full picture.
During the time I became fully aware of the impact of my childhood, my partner of six years, and husband of two had a secret. He had kept this secret locked away for over 80% of our relationship. Together, we had a little girl. She has just started kindergarten and the sweetest little person I have ever had the pleasure of making much less meeting. Though we hadn't been married for long, I never thought the life and family I had built would ever come crashing down. Raised in a Mormon household, our society taught us to believe that families are to be together forever. That once married, you are a unit, sealed, for eternity.
So you can understand my shock to his secret and I quote, "I don't love you. I don't even like you. You're a terrible person. I never wanted to get married. I only did 'cause I thought I had to..." I remained in that office chair as if I was glued. Realization sunk in further with his pained, seemingly constipated expression. His fingers entwined. His knuckles, pale-white, anchored him to his seat.
A year later, I can stare into his eyes an understanding expression spread throughout my face, while a thank-you calls to his ears. If he hadn't finally been honest with me, I would never know what true love was. I don't believe I would have been given the courage to walk into that psychiatrist's room that I had throughout my long history been known to cancel or walk out before even meeting him. I would not have chosen to begin my journey of self-discovery. It was after this major depression, that I truly found not just my passion, but a love for myself.
I was forced to leave the home we have begun building together. I had never lived on my own. It terrified me. The idea that ALL is in my hands I am responsible for it wasn't just me that would be impacted, but my daughter too. My heart had set on the safe and enriched area of Kierland Commons. The events, the community, the lifestyle, and the people I greatly enjoyed. But, no longer did I make twice the income. It was a blow being informed I had too low a salary to afford the area of my dreams. This shouldn't have come to a shock to me. I was raised in a family that was always trying to keep up with the Jones'. So much so, my mother has almost been sent to jail twice for fraudulent checks. I have never used a checkbook and I never will.
I had six months to move out of that home. I was being forced out, without alimony or savings. One can assume this is not an easy task. However, I am a stronger person for it now. So, I saved everything. I cut costs. I stopped throwing money at books, clothes...etc., all of the unnecessary, luxury items. Being a person raised in an "I want" household, it was an internal struggle not just with my environment, but genetic disposition and learned behavior. But, I did it. I researched financial guidance, money-saving methods, and budgeting plans. I enjoyed it. Finances were scary. Until now. Four months later, I had consolidated my loans, cut out over $500.00 of impulse spending, and began creating means for a secondary income.
This idea has paved the way for me to see my true passion. I am an ambitious person by fault. When I was seven I wanted to be a veterinarian. But, I couldn't put down animals. When I was 15, I wanted to be an actress but my self-esteem couldn't handle the culture. College came and I found a love for languages, learning, and a fascination with the human mind. There was a mystery to it. However, I put myself down. I told myself my math skills wouldn't be up to par. I gave up before I even began. I accept this. I know now I wasn't ready. After my Psychology Associates, I transitioned to English. A love for language and people came together. The moment I graduated, I craved more. My ex-husband knowingly held me back from going, which I know now, promising "next year", year after year.
Over the summer, I got an idea for a blog. It had been something I'd considered for years. I thought I was afraid of publishing my prose due to it not meeting my expectations. If it wasn't good enough for me, who would really care to read it? But then, I realized for others to care I had too, myself.
With the habit awareness, I was forming, the healthy decisions I was making I started Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) to alter the brain chemistry childhood trauma had formed, I worked through my hyper anxiety finally taking my first calm breath, soon after, I met a man who appreciates me, for me. With conscious awareness, I started discovering new things about my daughter every day. And, through the start of this blog, I uncovered my passion for helping others not just through one outlet. Through the translation of prose in multiple languages, certification within therapy and psychiatry, my desire to start a company that brings cultural-ism and capitalism together for the common good of people and with the knowledge, I will be gaining in the Psychology and Digital Audiences major program tracks these life goals will be thrust forward into creation. I decided to take every step that I had ever feared and I don't ever intend on holding back.
