Chaufun

I wish I wasn't idiot. Nothing has ever hurt more. I wish my friends weren't so far away. I wish I wasn't a fuck up. Everything was my fault. When it all came.crashing down all I saw was my own fuck ups. I'm such an idiot, why did I let this happen. Why did I even bother to come to Rowan. I should have just went home. My head hurts, and now I'm over thinking. I can't stop. I just want this pain to stop. I'm. Not okay. I wish I was. I saw it coming a mile away, and I still let it happen. I wish I can go home and talk to my parents. But Everytime I do, it's the same fucking response. "Focus on school and not girls" "it's okay, you'll find another girlfriend" but it's not okay when you been through everything with someone. it. Hurts. I want comfort, I want love, I want laughter, but I fucked it all up. I'm not okay. There was nothing wrong. Everything I did was for love. No one has ever made me feel the way she did, even through the negatives. I don't want it to end. I wish I knew what to say, and how to say it. I dont want to walk away. I KNOW it was my fault otherwise why would it have come to this? It's always my fault and I'm an idiot for letting this happen.

you just get to the point where you just deal with it; an everyday occurrence of the same banter. constant reminder of how much of a failure you are, and that you will never be good enough. just deal with it. is it right? is it okay? no, not really, its also not healthy... a constant feeling of what if i did, if i did, how much actually matters, they dont need me. just deal with it. to the point where if i actually did, i bet that i still wouldn’t be good enough. so, i just deal with it and play through scenarios to myself. im not okay, but i just deal with it--