Victor

You roll off me, landing beside me, the bed rocks. We’re lying there, catching our breath, not touching. I feel empty.

‘I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to fuck someone and do this when it’s not going anywhere. I know it can’t go anywhere. I’m not stupid. I always knew that but sometimes I feel weirdly about you. I don’t know if it’s love or some form of it. I don’t really know what that feels like. I do know that you’re not even close to feeling the same and you never will because you don’t feel. You say you care and I believe you but I think it’s just because we have sex once or twice a week. I want to stop but I’m afraid you’ll ignore me. I don’t want to become nothing to you. It’s a horrible feeling, you know, caring about someone so much only for them to admit that it was all a lie and they never really cared about you or how you were carrying on. I’m so afraid of being alone, Vic. Half of time I call or text, it’s cause I’ve had a bad day and I know if I’m alone, I might hurt myself. I ask you to hurt me instead. I like the aftercare because for a moment I can pretend that what’s normal with us. You holding me and stroking my hair, it makes me happy. I don’t want to let that go but you get so fucking distant. I can’t stand it. I just…’

“Iz… you alright?”

“Huh?”

“You’re crying.”

“Oh.” I wiped my face. “It’s a bit over whelmed, I guess.”

“Iz.”

“I’m okay, Vic. I just need to some sleep.” I rolled over, my back to you. I felt you stare at me before rolling over as well.