XXVII - VII - VII

I am mourning the death of my dreams and having to, again, face the reality of the importance of befriending myself.

It’s full moon in Leo and i am going insane.

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February 1st, 2026

1. The general situation and advice

So, poppy said…

2. Communication Potential

3. Denying my joy & powerplay

4. The separation is not for waiting, but for yourself. Being quiet means being caught up in his game.

5. What I did wrong and right for us

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I’m drowning in sorrow again, just like I always do, you said. Maybe you’re right and i’m just broken.

I cannot believe all the steps I take, but I did. It’s funny to think that now money is the only one keeping us in this bond, while it is also somehow one of the many factors of why we’re so far apart.

I want to believe all of those dreams are true. I want to believe it so much. But I wonder if I ever can.

I’m sorry for putting so much burden in you, I know you’ve tried your best. I know you’re worn out too. But somehow i’m just too hollow to ever be in real human connection. I’ve told you, maybe i’m just broken.

I tried calling all my scattered power back to me. But it seems like they’re still in the mail.

I’m sorry i am the way I am.

But i cannot bear the screaming, the incompetencies, the denial and the gaslight anymore.

I would rather die than knowing hoe much I’m not wanted. Especially when i’ve build this far, and dreamed this big. I know it must not be much to you, so much smaller than your big mind can dream of. But that’s the best I can do.

I’m trying to walk away with dignity, even when crumbling doesn’t even suffice to tell how it looks like on the inside.

I’m trying to let go with love, but all I fear is sadness.

You can either think about it right now or after.

I would suggest to think of it continuously for every second of my wake, my sleep, my astral time from this point on out… until the weaves are sorted out.

You both deserve the best.

“I should have let the jagged edges meet the light instead” i keep thinking of those words.

I’m grateful this discussion came to life… at least now i know i’m not crazy for thinking everything i thought about these past few months.

Apparently, those are not the voices of other entities. Those are all mine, and their feeling is real.

I think it’s always gonna be an exploration like this… the more you know what you want, the more it all reveal itself through the cracks.

I am honestly still in shock. And I feel like I push myself to just accept the truth, that we’re just not it anymore. There’s so many words on my mind and none at all at the same time.

I’m in shock.

I pity every waking moment of my existence, which are infinite… every fibre of every Caca who wept tears in sore feet, sore throat & sore skin… trying to keep the family afloat. That could easily be prevented if I could just rely on him understanding & actively acting out to fulfill that responsibility.

The angriest part of me is disappointment. Of how much of a let down everything is despite the big mouth & bloated sense of imperialism.

Despite that, I follow every footstep & every rocks. Tattered or light-hearted, I follow it all.

I’m setting you free. Right now, i’m setting you free.

There is no broken promises, as it is no longer promised. This is all no longer a burden you have to carry. And I don’t have to fell victim to every of your incompetencies. I’m sorry, it does bother me so much.

You see, by some miracles we got here. Despite not being in the same corridor. Imagine what would happen to us if we become with someone that’s actually are?

It needs more than just a hard restart. The entire processors have to be replaced / updated.

I’m setting you free. Right now, i’m setting you free.

I wish I can say this with the energy of love but i’m too confused to even define it.

I’m shocked.

I’m disappointed.

I’m feeling hopeless.

I will tell myself to let you do whatever you want to do. No matter how i will feel about it.

Remember this the next time you’re feeling anything other than letting go. Remember all of this.

Remember all this writings, this feeling & revelation… the next time you think about what bothers you. What doesn’t fulfill you, or how suffocated you are… let it be however he wants it to be.

Caca… we will build our future brick by bricks, planted every trees for our earth, just like we always do.

When you realize you’re not seeing each other anymore, somehow the vision got really clear. Painful, and full of thoughts for the next few years.

I still hope he takes back everything he said and just address the exact thing that physically happened in the beginning. But it’s okay, I know how it feels like wanting to go off shore with my words, helps create a clearer picture too… often times.

This one, is not an exception.

I wonder when will I truly accept this… that I can’t stay here anymore.

I realized how selfish all these words are but my heart gets it. I cannot feel like i’m a burden anymore.

I want to trust and I did. I go high and lows, tattered of light hearted.

I cannot feel unsafe & uncertain like this anymore.

I wonder if I can give it to myself when everything is finalized.

I’m getting out of here. I trust everything that’s in front of me. I am done being a victim of all the broken promises. They no longer exist.

Meleburlah semua.

Apapun yang terjadi.

If you allow me, God… can I still see my daughter? Will you take care of her heart? Protect her from heartbreak that might came if I decided to not be in the life she lives? Or will you doom me for eternity, condemn me with pain on a loophole and let her wounds be open until it gets infected?

One that won’t waste away to the waves.

One that won’t be crippled by the pressure of waking up everyday in the gutter.

One that won’t rot with hatred.

Instead I pray for you love that will continuously be uplifting, healing and kindness that always listens. Love that will learn all your triggers and gave you the comfort you need to embrace theirs too.

I pray for you to always feel safe, even when it’s not only the two of you anymore. I pray for you love that won’t guilt you for what you feel, love that won’t curse you for your pain. Love that allows you to express, love that grows the kindness in you.

Because all of this is still love. Maybe i’m delusional but all this, is still love. No matter how painful or toxic, or even abusive. But then again there’s always a greater kind of love. A safer, better kind of love… and you gotta root for that. I pray we all got that for us.