i opened my eyes and it wasn't May anymore. time didn't stop. it kept running and it never looked back. we never got that house with storage and gathering spaces for our university orgs. there is no future, no tomorrow. we never got more cats. i never got to frame your origamis. we died that morning, seas apart. just in our screens but concrete enough to lay under the ground and never return. two kids who finally grew up. i know you don't go around the campus and still wait for me. but i do. sometimes. i wish i can get just a glimpse. i should not. the sodium lamps that once guided our walk when we first met don't know us anymore. neither does the people who saw how electric it was to see us finally come together that night. i hope you're happy. i mean that in the way people mean it when they are letting things go. with a small smile and a heavy heart. get there safe. you don't have to call me when you do. i don't have to know anymore. it sucks but i don't have to anymore. i don't.

i went and dipped my body in mourning

will you ever say a proper goodbye? even at the end, you never had a word like always i tried you know i tried my best to bring out your voice because you had a lot to say and not just anything kind words and powerful ones i know because they were there for mine but maybe not over half a hundred moons you almost always never say a word and i always just believed you did even if i knew it inside me that whatever happens you never talk you never argue you always just let things get by even when i hurt you even when things are bad even when im evil i thought it must be nice to have someone worship the shit out of you for all of my lifetime i always just wanted to be loved by someone an entity with a mouth and a hand to be loved with eyes and an embrace and you were it and more you worshipped the path i am in showered me with flowers but what is sunshine without the rain? is it really love when there’s no pain? how blue blues are when there’s no gray unconditional is nice but along the lines you have to know and you will know maybe it isn’t love when you can do no wrong i loved you i know i did i wanted your unconditionality to be something else something bigger i really did but when its a fifth of my lifetime and i would still have to get angry to get a word out of you maybe its just plain worship and not love but who am i again to tell you what is right i should stop doing that because even in distance even in disguise i know you would still nod agree in silence and torment yourself “sorry, i worshipped you that was all i knew”

i wake in the middle of dawn s till, whispering just your name oh my lips have never landed yours still, i crave for to pull you in for more your hands on my cheek, on my arm, on my chest, on my waist what kind of infatuation i am desperate for a taste you in places we frequent, we share drag me in and out, lay me bare i can hear you calling me beautiful i just know you would be sweet so tender, i breathe in your name i call to silence from miles away brush me down, cover all crevices gone where are you, when will you come?

is it the sea or the spring water? cold splashes at the soles of my feet across the room, on dry gray tile floors a frame i stop for in the museum my gold and pearls just for you still and inviting

and maybe its okay to let it go let it simmer then fly away summer to unforgiving winter wind the spring will come so will the summer, once again by then i hope to see your face smiling, in an unfamiliar place

i have gained an extra eye thanks to you there is a crystal ball certain of what will be tiny humans, breakfast sundays, profound looks,  unapologetically calling you honey some stroke of clarity in this uncertain world maybe i am going crazy what overwhelms me? clamoring, cluttered breathing of certainty i know, i see my self a reflection as clear as water rushing to shore and you  my shore, just you i have no knowledge of the hows after all, i was never the best at school but familiar, you are to me like a madwoman saying, this is how the world ends ---

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