My New Addiction, Life

I’m just so hurt. 

The thing about being stuck at home is my mind, it’s the perfect time for the devil to try and get in my head, make me stir crazy and start thinking about the times when I was stuck. when I could drive around, do what I wanted. But that’s not true, it’s what he wanted me to do, which was getting my drug. So, as I sit at home, I thank God for my sobriety and I’m just going to sit in my thoughts.   

My emotions are all over the place today, and I think I know why. I went so long without certain things in my life, for the simple fact I left them at my ex-boyfriend’s house. Now my mom always told me “Don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find” well I did and mean while I didn’t mind my stuff being there, now I do, and I want my stuff back. Now I feel like I’m just giving myself anxiety, because the clock can be remade, and the blanket can be re bought. But the chest, that’s the one think i would never be able to get back!! that’s what i really want, but I don’t think he would get rid of it, at least I hope not.

I’ve never been more conflicted in my life then right now. so, I was talking to this guy for about three months now. The whole time though he said he didn’t want a relationship, he didn’t want to be “tied down”, just all the reasons in the book to not mess with him, right? but I did anyways and caught feeling, I tried to explain my feeling to him twice already and his response was he understood if i backed away, so I didn’t get hurt, of course both times I didn’t. But this time it’s different because I actually told him that I was sticking around, that a break was needed, and NOW he wants me to come over and actually hangout? all because I put my foot down and didn’t want myself hurt. But that’s not even what I’m conflicted about, I’m conflicted because I’m going to be moving to Cincinnati in a week and a half, I’m doing this for me and I need to just cut ties with him, I need to be able to sleep at night and I don’t need to be leading him on just like he led me on. 

I don’t understand how someone can like someone but not want to be with them, it’s like he wants to hang on to me until he’s ready for something and I’m better than that. I’m worth so much more. But I stay, why do I stay? 

  Friends just not seeming like friends, talked with my counselor today but I learned something very valuable, you can’t make someone take your hand and lead them threw their life. I spend so much time trying to give advice to my friend when it’s clear she is not ready to change, I’ll always be there for her as a friend, but as of today I got to keep my own life in line. don’t get me wrong i will always have her back and be there when I can, but I got to take care of myself too.

I got clean, left a toxic relationship, learned to love myself, and now I know what I deserve. Never settling for something less again. 

This year I made sure to put my sobriety and family first, everything else will still be there tomorrow, but the memories you make today will last a lifetime.

Family dinner today!

I made it through my first Christmas and New Year’s clean. I’ve accomplished a lot in these past 9 months, but nothing I’d ever think I’d get through. Don’t get me wrong, it was difficult, fighting those thoughts in my head, saying “just go out tonight.” “One night won’t hurt.” I know I’m stronger than the thoughts in my head, and so I made it happen, now I got memories with my family I never thought I would have again.