the 1987 kid's tale

On most days, it felt like I was giving less of my life to the things that matter, conserving my energy, and trying to save myself from “non-existent” possible hurts. But the truth is, I wasn’t conserving; instead, I was putting my energy into the wrong things—investing in crippling depression rather than in the things that give life.

Showing up is hard, but so is staying low. Failure is hard, but so is being stagnant. Building and fostering relationships can be painful and distressing, but all the more so is being alone. Both require something to risk and something to lose, but only one offers a reward that is life-enriching.

I guess I have always believed that it’s toxic to grumble. I have always thought that it’s unhealthy to allot my energy to things and events that turned the opposite way I wanted them to be, and that to deal with the consequent grave pain is simply… unwise. Maybe because I have long convinced myself that it is just merited for me to be crushed by the pang of all my wrong decisions and that I equitably deserve a smidgen of favor. However, on different occasions, I would simply confront dreadful moments with an unreasonably stoic demeanor.

But none of those two different approaches really welcomed the idea of “feeling the feeling"—neither of them gave me a pass to grieve nor lament.

It may seem to look that way outwardly, but inside, I wouldn’t say that I have always lived up to that rigidness. There have been tons of times, too many more than I can count, that my feelings leaked and eventually got out of hand until I broke down. But these moments are all still grumbles. I would often even cover them as "asking” and never really openly call them “questioning” God, although deep down, I knew that it was all bitter complaints.

I hate my life.

It never occurred to me to say that, but I’m saying it now. This is NOT how my life was supposed to be—at least based on the trajectory that I imagined that it would go three to four years ago. This magnanimous fiasco, ladies and gentlemen, inevitably resulted in a clapping self-loathing.

And somewhere in this dreadful season… my hallelujahs died.

In the bitterness of my circumstances, I inadvertently failed to remember God’s sweet love.

In my wretchedness, I missed the truth that in every season, God stays the same—good, kind, loving—and that He is still in control.

I succumbed to the pain and neglected to give the praise and worship that is rightly due to Him.

I have lost my hallelujahs.

Seeing it now, I finally recognize that I often lose hope and have been constantly getting consumed by all the tormenting events in my life because my eyes were all on the fall—I lost sight of our Father and who He is. My lips were busy yammering, drowning out my hallelujahs. My complaints grew louder while my praises were kept down.

Admittedly, I’m aware that realizing this doesn’t guarantee that I will simply glide over aching moments, but understanding this helps me see a better way to tackle them.

To whoever is reading this (probably me since at this point of writing my account is still private, and maybe someone else if who knows someday I’ll open my writing to others), this may sound cliché, but I pray that you remember to say your worship and praises to God, even and most especially on your hard days. I know that at some point you’ll forget it, but may you bring into mind that God is merciful, gentle, kind, in control, and will act according to His love and for your good even in the most unseemly days. May you remember today that God is good, and that He loves you.

I was convinced that God and I would scrap all the things that happened to me in the past, especially the nightmares of 2023. I had already wired myself to let go of all. I started writing about how, thankfully, regardless of its routes, God decides the outcome of things, and isn't that all good? I was so high, sure that from the ground I was on, there was no other way but up.

December 26, Christmas was over, and I just couldn't wait for 2024 to begin! A fresh start is like the air in the early summer breeze that uplifts the little child in you. I was so convinced that this was really the path that God and I were heading - a fresh start and a new beginning. I was so convinced that I even preached about it in front of my friends, 'I am fully trusting the Lord with these new beginnings!'

The next thing I know, the very things remaining in my hands started slipping away.

Morning came, and I was scheduled to talk with my supervisor regarding my work performance. I honestly like where I'm working, another Bible ministry where I get to hear more life-moving testimonies. I like being here, knowing those stories, and going to places and talking to people just to know those stories. But for the most part, I guess, maybe I'm more into my position. If a dress, something that's really nice, I would call 'my style,' but something that doesn't really fit me. It hurts to admit that, but it hurts even more to hear it coming from other people. That day, I was told that I don't fit in this job, and I can't be trained for this. Doesn't that just hurt? Quoting from my very first post (which seems to be very proof that I'm really bad at this), 'I’ve always been fond of writing, but I guess writing doesn’t like me as much as I like it.' I lost my position and was given 2 weeks to transition. What is happening, God?

I have to admit, I was devastated. I was so upset that I approached God like a child in tantrums. It felt like every single ounce of strength in me got all drained up. In rage, I told Him that I had enough! That's it! I have no more strength and willpower left! I SURRENDER!

And though these two words gushed out forcefully, it gave me an unexplainable feeling of relief. Maybe that's what God is waiting for? For me to finally give up my pride of carrying myself and finally letting Him be the God that He is in my life. It felt like He really meant it when He said that we'll be starting from scratch.

Today, as I sought the Lord, He told me once again to cast lots and take a chance. The very words from my previous writing are now the very words that encourage me.

Thinking back to how He spoke to me in my previous devotions, He's right. His words are true. I would never really understand what He's doing, but I can throw my dice and let Him decide where it will fall, which one He will prosper and make successful. Thinking about it, I guess we were clear on where I wanted to go, and we didn't talk about the how. Maybe things aren't going my way because they're going God's way.

He knows what's best for us! I couldn't even begin to imagine the awful places I would've ended up if my "endings" always relied on me. I'm grateful that God, who sees the entire picture, is the one who gets to decide—not me, who only sees a teeny tiny portion of what's really happening and what is about to happen.

Reminiscing has never felt this sad before. I can feel in my core that something has changed—that I have changed, and I miss my old self. Sometimes, I'm scared of missing my old self, wondering if I'm a better version of myself now, but seeing all my bruises makes me think otherwise.

The circumstances that came into my life and the things I've brought upon myself resulted in this version of me. Full of bruises, tired, almost hopeless, and wanting to die. But because God is not giving up on me, I don't want to give up on myself. As long as God is bringing me a new day and new life, I want to make myself better. I want to lift my wobbly knees and continue walking by faith, believing that God is with me and has a plan for me.

And I'm done with self-oppression. I'm done playing the victim. I'm done sulking. I want to help myself heal, slowly but surely. I want to better myself. I want to look back at myself someday and be proud that I didn't give up on me. Right now, I want to change a lot of things about me, not because I hate myself but because I love myself. I love the life that God has blessed me with. And I want to do better for myself because I've done awful things to myself these past few years.

These "Who-would-have-thought" moments include; realizing my distaste for relics in connection to my curiosity about knowing who the Lord really is; finally attending a church less than a mile from our house; experiencing a life transformation through the Lord; repeatedly crossing paths with the love of my life but also repeatedly failing to be with him; being employed to a Bible-distributing ministry where I happened to receive my first Bible; getting involved in a scandalous case; being forced to leave that job because of that case; and a whole lot more!

But recently, I've realized that no matter where the universe brings us, at the end of every road, everything will still be up to the arrangements and judgments we make. After all, God has blessed us with the freedom to make our own decisions.

However, keep in mind that even while God allows us to cast our own lots, we will still definitely reap the fruit of our every choice with no heaven-blaming. As it says in Ecclesiastes 11:9, "Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, And let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth; Walk in the ways of your heart, And in the sight of your eyes; But know that for all these God will bring you into judgment. (NKJV)" That is the very reason why it is imperative to let God guide us, as mentioned in Proverbs 3:6, "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (NKJV)"

I got consumed by the belief that I'll never be good enough for anything nor anyone since I couldn't even measure up to my own expected length. Though this is an old story, this recent episode of my "self-reliance" brought me to a deeper depth of self-pity that I've never reached before.

The world has taught us that we should always tightly grip on the helm of everything to keep it. "Be the captain of your ship," they say. We believed that when we lose a hand on anything, then we lose everything. But the truth is, when we let go and let God, that is when we truly gain everything ― the peace, the order, the victory, name it! We don't take hold of "life" or anything else when we clasp it in our palm; it is when we let God that we truly have it.

God made it evident that the more we trust and depend on ourselves, the more we'll get disappointed. The Lord meant it when He said in Jeremiah 17:5a AMP, "Cursed is the man who trusts in and relies on mankind. Making [weak, faulty human] flesh his strength...". Mankind, which includes us―our own being. And God, in all His glory, always made it crystal clear that His thoughts and ways are greater than ours.

Let God take complete control. As Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." AMP. This, I must say, is the true art of letting go: letting God knowing confidently that He always has it best.

A lot of people nowadays would probably say that they know who Jesus is and how he can do wonders in our lives. But when faced with struggles and hardships, they would oftentimes unconsciously let fear, doubt, and anxiety win over them. 

You see, merely knowing Jesus is never enough. That, I guess, is the very reason why faith has always been a requirement for us because knowing is never enough; we have to believe. We have to understand and trust that He can do great things in our lives - that He can do it, and He will do it.