#jesusposting

Like a fucking normie.

And honestly?

It wasn't that bad

I was expecting it to be a barrage of customers asking for food and candy, candy and food, Napkins, you want napkins? Ok, here you go. Oh what's that? You want honey mustard? Here you go- oh what's that? TWELVE HONEY MUSTARD? ah well, customer is always right. Rinse and repeat, but with a subtle dance of making the food, and making sure the customer feels seen and valued within the confines of a fast food environment. It's a balancing act for sure.

But strangely enough, I could handle it. I was mostly on the grill, but I did a little bit of the fryer unit and I rung up half of an order today! The last one was the scariest part of today cause, if you ring it up wrong, it's just pandemonium for the team and the customer to deal with. But I did it. I just forgot how to finish it (you recall it then press the payment method of the customers choice.) It's a bit of a learning curve but it's one that I need to (and want to) master before I move on to whatever life has in store for me next.

I think what also helped is the fact that I came in an hour later then usual. I had to take an uber regardless cause I would've been late to being early. And I'd be fucked sideways if I was going to let transit keep me from getting my ritualistic beverage of choice and relaxation in. No seriously, I need my starbies. I'd opt to go to the library instead but I gotta collect some stamps from the app. Sidenote- whoever did the ux/ui design for the Starbucks app is a fuggin genius. Once you buy a particular item from the menu on a daily basis, it only makes sense to use the app so you'll get rewarded based on your purchases; however, the Company tracks that and creates unique challenges based on what you primarily order, incentivizing you to buy more starbucks. Very sneaky sis.

But yea. I had my bev, some Madeline's, and a good hour to spend on some online communities. Oh! And I got candy! Yea, someone from work left a whole bag of candy. Nobody knows who put it there but by the time my shift ended all that was left was the mini snickers 😆 I ended up taking three skittles gummies AND I was given a pumpkin lollipop by one of the managers.

AND THATS NOT ALL! I got a cute lil bucket from the Canadian Dunkin Donuts franchise called Tim Hortons. I usually go there for their oreo iced cappuccinos but I wanted to try one of their Refreshers and I saw that they were selling a Halloween themed bucket. Normally I'd just ignore it but IT WAS CAT THEMED! AND IT GLOWS IN THE DARK! I had to have it.

I almost didn't get it either. The guy running the store had to assemble it by hand and couldn't find the handle for it. He had the bucket and lid, but it needed a handle. Whole time I'm praying to Jesus to PLEASE LEMME GET THIS BUCKET 😭 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Homie calls his coworker upstairs and THANKFULLY they found the handle to this lil guy. It was the last one they had in stock. They didn't even know if it would have the same design next year so I kinda got lucky?

But really it wasn't luck. It was God. It was Jesus who worked behind the scenes to make this happen. Im not going to get into it right now cause it's late and this blog is already seven paragraphs long but if you made it this far into reading I want your takeaway to be this- It doesn't matter what you may regard me as- friend, foe, or some apathetic amalgamation of the two- just listen when I say this.....put Jesus Christ into your life. Start a relationship with him before you start a relationship with anybody else. Read the Bible yourself, and start talking to him more through prayer. You might have your reasons for not believing, and it might require you to face the anger and hurt that resides in your heart because you felt betrayed by him or by the people who are suppose to believe in him. But developing a faith in him helps. It's helping me. It might not seem like it, but he's helping me. Even if you aren't a Christian and have some other religious or non religious beliefs that somehow oppose Christianity, just read the Bible. Americans especially should read the Bible and not look at it as a piece of history, but as lessons to go by. You wouldn't read one of Aesop's fables and go "You see! Donkeys, sheep's and lions can talk! Aesop's fables said so!" You read it for the morals it provides. Weird I gotta say that to clarify, but it is what it is.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing I hadn't found God again. Not as I am now. Young and stupid, addicted to what I am. I feel shame and anguish every time I partake in what I know I shouldn't, yet I feel like I can not help it.

I feel angry at myself for this. How could I not want His love and presence in my life? How could I ever wish He not show me the light so that I may be saved? Yet I do.

Yet, I have to remind myself everyday that He will not leave me. Too, I have to remind myself that, I cannot use that patience and love as a crutch to keep sinning. Still, I find myself in sin again and again.

"Lord, I worry that will not right myself before my time has come to an end." I cannot help but think. This guilt, it keeps me from Him. But I know, in the first place, He is not the one who implanted this guilt, this shame. The enemy, he is who has cursed me with this need to run. For the Lord wants me to turn from sin, not from Him. So, even as I feel the need to run, even when I feel like His patience for me has run out; that I am truly lost and unsaveable, I must pick myself up and start again.

In this path, I walk, alongside Him, when I stumble. I know i do not have to worry that he is walking ahead. Because even as my head is the dirt, I see the rays of His light in front of me. I hear His gentle voice, calling me not to run but to get up. For I am His. I may not have much more to give than the very effort and stubbornness He imbued into me, yet He still delights in it. I know He never left my side, I know He'll never leave it. Because even when the voice of the enemy is screaming at me, trying to deafen my ears to the Lord, or blind me to Him, or weaken my faith. I need not my senses because, as C.S. Lewis so eloquently wrote it, "i believe in Christianity as i believe the sun has risen not because i see it, but by it i see everything else."