ello love

Caught up in this weird spot in my mind at the moment. 

Happiness is totally fleeting. 

I woke up with anxiety this morning, only 4 hours after I actually fell asleep. Keep thinking that there has got to be a way to get through to them that this hurts. This alienation, this “silent treatment”. But I ask myself why? Why do I feel the need to call them out about ignoring me, maybe they have their own shit to deal with, maybe things aren’t good for them right now either. But then I stop myself, I look internally. “If they really cared about me, wouldn’t they say something? Anything?” Maybe just a “im busy atm”, or “I can’t help with this right now” 

But no its radio silence. 

Then I have other things going on at the same time. I haven’t been able to see my son in over 3 months. I still haven’t been able to get my paperwork in to the courthouse for processing my divorce. Being broke and without a job makes things impossible. Especially when you need the person that you want the divorce from to actually do his part. I’ve done mine, got my information to the paralegal, I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life and not worry about his stupid BS. 

I feel terrible right now. Seriously want to crawl under a rock. Im so shit with relationships. I try, I invest. I think i am doing something well for a change. I speak my mind and everything goes to shit. I feel terrible because I am working on my relationships both friendly and romantic and I feel like i just constantly let people down.