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That's not bullying, those two cats are clearly looking into each other's eyes with longing and romance. Shhh, they are in love and about to have their first kiss.
HOLY SHIT GUYS, I WAS INSPIRED BY THIS POST TO TRY MAKE THE SONG AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT WHEN I DRAGGED THE TRAINING AUDIO OVER THE BACKING TRACK AND IT LINED UP PERFECTLY
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I want to be so laden with responsibilities and pain that I bend far enough to finally snap. I want to be broken in a way that is too obvious to ignore, and too intense to forget.
I'm tired of handling things simply because people know I can. I don't want to keep emotionally regulating for those around me who can't get their own shit together. I'm so tired of being patient and calm and communicating like an adult to overcompensate for those who refuse to meet me in the middle.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to lose my mind in such a dramatic display that everyone else forgets that they wanted something for a moment.
For once I want someone else to fix it. I want someone else to work with my irrationality. I want to be allowed to be broken and not have to stitch myself together in the privacy of my room. I want to have the understanding I keep trying to give everyone else.
I want to be taken care of in a way I never have been.
I'm tired of taking care of myself on my own, while also making sure everyone else is accounted for.
I want to be broken in a way you can't dismiss.
But as long as I am able to function I will never be allowed to not. And after everything I've sorted out myself no one stops to think that maybe I don't want to do that anymore.
So I can't be broken. At least not for very long. And not in any way that's obvious. Because no one has sympathy for the person they know is strong. They just expect them to keep going. As I always do.
I'll be honest I have no idea who you are or what game/story/media you've created that you use this blog to answer questions about. I'm sure I could very very easily look it up, but as of now I don't intend to.
Somehow I've managed to fill my dash with just about every ask you answer, and every time it give me another chance to wonder what the hell you're talking about. And then I move on with my day. I quite like it this way, and don't intend to change that. I might figure it out at some point without meaning to, and that will be fine.
Regardless I appreciate that you answer so many questions from so many people about something I'm certain you care very deeply about. It's nice to see a creator have such a direct line with the people who enjoy their work.
Or maybe I'm off the rails and you haven't made anything, and are just the spokes person of some large entity that exists for solely profit. Damn wouldn't that be sad.
Now I can’t tell you what I do. I do make something (along with lots of other people) and I very much do enjoy it.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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(cw: discussion (NO photos) of burns/first aid, and childhood neglect)
I've made a discovery.
So three days ago I burned my hand pretty moderately. Splashed hot oil all over it and now I have a second degree burn over my entire index finger on my dominant hand. That isn't great, but it could be worse, I'm dealing, oh well. Because of this injury I've discovered two facts I was vaguely aware of but didn't realize the extent of.
One. I handle pain well.
I don't show it on my face or in my voice, only in my words. Because of this, no one realizes the extent of things until they see it. There have been so many people in this short period of time that hear me say 'second degree burn' and 'giant blister on my entire finger' and react along the lines of 'gosh I'm sorry, that sucks'. And then AS SOON as they see my hand or a photo of it they immediately get very worried. It turns to 'Oh My Gosh!' and 'Oh (name), I'm so sorry, that's awful'. I'm actually kind of surprised, and while I know I handle pain well, it's honestly not incredibly painful at this point. Maybe people just don't realize what second-degree burns actually look like? No idea. But it does align very well with my entire life of no one believing I'm in pain because I know how to be quiet about it. And me only being quiet about pain because I was thought my worth was my convenience, and a crying kid is super annoying. So don't cry.
Two. I cannot rely on anyone.
I've known for a good while I prefer to handle my own shit, but this has shown me a new level of it. When it first happened I was on top of my own care, had my hand under cool water, asked someone to pick up burn cream on their way home, I even finished making the dinner I was in the middle of AND cleaned up all the oil I spilled on the floor before I even stopped to put on the numbing cream. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me. I know that much.
But then this morning I was at a friends place and had picked up some bandages on the way over, and was figuring out how to wrap my hand up without popping the blister so that I can safely go back to work tomorrow. My friend offered to help and I said I was fine, and then as I was cutting ace bandages with my non-dominate hand with the roll between my knees, he tried to take the scissors and help. I wouldn't let him. I told him very truthfully that 'I want to be able to do it myself' and he let me, and I did it no problem. It would have been faster if he'd helped, but I would rather know I can do it. Because now that I'm home who will do it for me? I live with my parents but I've never been able to rely on them for my needs, that sure as hell isn't about to start now. If I need help wrapping my hand up before a work shift at 4:30 AM (I'm scheduled for just that in two days) they aren't going to get up and help me. Or if they do it'll be through a lot of grumbling and frustration at me, and I'd rather not start the day like that.
So not only do I not expect anyone to help me, but I also fully want to do things myself because I cannot trust anyone else to support me when I need it.
It's unfortunate that this is where I'm at in life but at very least I know how to do my own first aid with only my non-dominant hand. I'd rather be independent and on my own my whole life than not know how to survive alone because I haven't needed to for the first two decades.
I don't trust that I won't need to know these things. And so far it's been a good thing that I do.
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