hi, my name is kim ♡

today is 5th of june 2026 and it's currently 2:59am here – few minutes after your passing.

i mean, where do i even begin? i don't know how, i don't know if i could gather all words but i just want to pour out my heart and thoughts for you, my goodest boy.

12 years ago, our mom was thinking of ways to surprise kaori whether it would be a celebration or something else which eventually lead to a mutual decision to get a pet dog instead. i love dogs, snoopy. i grew up being around them wether stray or bred, i love them all equally. i remember during my younger years, i would always drag our mom in pet stores looking at puppies and begging our family if we could adopt stray dogs.

through the years, we do have dogs but it still felt different - how i can't let them inside the house and care for them even play with them.

let's go back to few days before we welcomed you, i remember scrolling through instagram trying my luck to find someone who's willing to give their pup a new home, there came this person. me and tita shiela messaged her about some questions and negotiations. i still remember that very day we picked you up, calumpit bridge was under construction but i did not care. i will cross that bridge back and forth just to get you, just to take you home.

you were such a good boy from the start snoopy, i remember how well behaved you were in my arms as we took the jeepney home. you were so cute and little that you would sleep in corners and hide under furnitures during your first few days. our grandparents fell inlove with you immediately and from that moment on, we knew you would bring so much joy.

you were not just mama lot's gift to us, but one of God's greatest blessing.

you just have your own special way of bringing comfort and happiness to our lives just by simply existing.

you have been through so much, my love.

i remember the first incident when we almost lost you. mama zen feeding you nuts just because she could simply not resist you. you were smelling and there were flies all around you as if signalling your death. you were so weak for few days - later on we found out that nuts were not supposed to be fed to dogs as it equates to poison. i'm sorry baby, mama zen meant no harm, she just thought it would make you happy.

then there came a time wherein you had uti, there was blood in your pee and we thought we almost lost you again.

on my college years, you were my stress reliever. always welcoming me whenever i come home.

i admit i was so afraid when our mom and mama zen passed away. you kept guarding their coffin as if you wanted to follow because that's how most pets are. instead, being the angel, God sent that you are, it's like you made a deal with them to stay here and guide us during their absence.

i remember taking you to malls, almost every places we go.

there came i had my first job in starbucks, papa rolan would always bring you along with him, with you seated either on the seat or floor or the passenger's seat. he would always tell me, "anak hulaan mo sino kasama ko" (anak, guess who's with me) then i would find you there waiting for me.

the last thing i remember that i thought we would really almost lose you was when you had such a bad eye infection. your eyes were bleeding so much my love, and you were looking at me as if you were pleasing me "please ate, can you let me go". you were suffering so much. i remember during those nights i would quietly sneak downstairs just to hug you and i would talk to you every. single. night. while holding you in my arms telling you, "if you really can't hold on anymore, you can run free my baby". still, you choose to survive and go through it. i was heartbroken with my toxic relationship that time but still you chose me, you knew that you can not be the reason for my heartbreak. no, just not yet.

you were so smart and patient, snoopy. there was a time i remember telling you to wake me up at 7am the next morning. guess what? i woke up to you barking outside the door at exactly 6 in the morning. everytime i get to bathe you, you would lift your paws up when you know it's time for me to rub them clean. you never bite, even if we accidentally step on your tail you just look at us with judgement (lol).

until i finally landed on my dream job, snoopy. i was happy yet terrified what if i lose you while i'm away? which is what happened right now. i remember asking myself before moving into doha, i have a senior dog. i hope he would be able to wait for me every time i come home. it was honestly all about you in my mind during those few days before i move overseas. i was always hoping and praying that you could live a little longer until i finally give you, our family the life i knew we deserve.

there came my first layover in clark, our family surprised us by bringing you along in the hotel. you were old by that time and only wants to be carried. no need to be sorry, my love. i understand. i had joy carrying you in my arms during those moments. even it's time to leave, i always say a prayer to still see you next time.

"nasaan si snoopy?" (where is snoopy?) or "ano ginagawa ni snoopy?" (what is snoopy doing?) has always been my introduction whenever i would go on video call with our family.

december 2024 was our last christmas together and i was so happy that after years of being away from home, we celebrated as complete family again.

i knew you held on for so long, snoopy. and i know up til this day you tried to wait a little longer til i come home – but that's how it is i guess. we all have our own timeline on earth.

a year ago, you started having respiratory problems and deep inside i knew it was way beyond that based on how they would report your cough and breathing.

slowly, i am starting to accept the fact that sooner or later, you might have to go. which was too soon.

i broke in tears when i heard the news blaming myself i should have went there during my layover. but part of me was relieved also, relieved in a way that all your pain and suffering has ended.

i will never forget you, snoopy. your memories will reign in our hearts always and forever. and i will make sure to tell my future kids about how once upon a time, we had a dog named snoopy. who was just not a pet but a family, (you all are), you were such a ball of sunshine, hope and comfort rolled into a four legged good boy.

i remember telling tita i hope you could held a little longer and wait for me til i get home this august but snoopy, i realized you have given me and maxed out all chances that you and i could have ever had.

people might say that you are on of my biggest heartbreak because of your passing but no, in fact, you are the one who mend and healed my heart when it has been broken so many times.

i'm sorry if i can't make it there to see you in your final moments but snoopy, please know that i am so happy and beyond blessed to have you than not have you at all.

thankyou for those 12 wonderful years that you stayed with us, those 12 wonderful years that you fought just to be with us.

i just hope in another life, or in another form, we get to reunite again.

my dearest snoopy,

i am grateful for the life you lived with us.

blessing, money, testimony

some of my favorite lines from the song "this year" by victor thompson and ehis d' great. oh how I love listening to this masterpiece absorbing the high frequency energy and abundance. few years back, I see myself wishing, hoping and praying for something to happen. as someone who gets overstimulated and overwhelmed easily, I am trying my best to do the inner work again and focus on one thing at a time. that way I can keep track and focus on what I really want being able to nurture it with as much time and attention.

MARCH 2025 - I can't believe we're on the 3rd month of this year already! how fast time flies. I was in my hotel in Perth aka my fave destination to operate. I found myself waking up confused whether I am in my own room or some hotel outstation. typical me checking phone once my eyes opened from such good sleep, I was talking to my family about an ocular I asked them to do. I kept bugging my aunt about the said trip because it really has the best of my interests. everything went by so fast that the next thing I knew is praying asking God to guide me through it as I am closing such a good deal. if the walls could talk, they would know how patient and faithful I have been for this very day to come. even I myself couldn't believe it up to this very day. my heart is filled with so much love, life & hope!

I feel so proud of myself because who would have ever thought all of these would be brought to life? I remember years ago how all of these seemed to be just living in my vision board. if we would track rewinds from years of my life, "how do you see yourself in 5 years?", you may ask, I would straight up tell you I would have love to have a family of my own by now. but God has other plans, it is not yet the time for me to build a family of my own but subconsciously, the perfect time rather to build foundation, assets that would give me and my future family a good, comfortable life. the Most High blessed me with the something that my whole being desires the most - my source.

as a 27 year old, I know people my age feels either lost or left behind because of peers mainly. and I think that is completely normal and okay. but I have learned as time pass by, that there is beauty within the silver lining of patience and slowing down. it enables you to focus on the bigger picture - to appreciate what you have while working and praying for what you want.

forget the past, work of the future and cherish today.

fueled, driven by grit and passion to do better - as an average girl who was born to an average class family, my eyes were opened to the reality of life at such a tender age. seeing the bigger picture and reality of daily lives rather than perceiving it as a fairytale despite growing up watching Disney's classic, magical movies, my entire experience from what I can vividly remember up to date will always be my motivation.

you might be wondering what I'm talking about right now - I'm all for rewriting the whole storyline for my family most especially my succeeding bloodline. I have been to different and even unimaginable series of unfortunate events, mishaps that I won't go into further elaboration (iykyk).

rather than letting regret take over as to why I haven't done all these things, right from the start, I believe there's no better time to start than now. I was not ready, but now I can fully grasp to those things I have always wished to do.

and we're back! after yet another series of breakdown, what ifs, loss of motivation in-between, I can now say that everything feels lighter now. not that the weight on my shoulder has been totally lifted, but somehow I can now see the bigger picture again. I almost completely lost concentration of what's beneath the surface almost swayed by the negative rumors and hearsay but after 2 days of my training, just THAT short period of time, I was able to pick myself up.

I was taken back to that day when I applied down to the receiving the e-mail of congratulations, the whole process of sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears presented itself to me. and honestly I was emotional.

"I did this?", "I'm actually here?"

as cliché as it sounds, you really have to take a pause and weigh if something is really worth your time or you could have just chosen to know better.

before I went on my solo travel, I had been on a series of suffocation alongside sudden gush of sadness and what ifs without being able to locate the source of this feeling. until I got the chance to really dive deeper and discover more about myself, more about life, I finally am able to point at what causes it.

for the past few days, too much toxicity was floating around my atmosphere - the destructive rumors going around my workplace, hearsay and a person from the higher up that is abusing their power, I almost gave into melting down, letting another episode of burn out.

apart from that, I felt like my other circle has been sinking. to be honest, I'm grateful I have not much worries I think of in life whether it be my career, financial aspect most especially, my love life. I am so grateful for such a strong scaffolding of my support system it's just that, at times it's really inevitable how someone from your own group vents out nonstop as if their thoughts were machine gun and you're the target.

don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it when people open up to me about their problem but sometimes isn't it just too much? of how they're starting to feed off your energy and all these negativity would rub off on you? subconsciously, you might as well start thinking is there something you've been doing wrong in life lately when in fact, it's just how people around you bring such huge impact in your cloud of thoughts starting to form a hurricane in your head.

poison is what I'd like to call it - time to time all these small, unnoticed gloomy thoughts would soon pile up bringing you closer to eruption.

now that I have finally magnified the reason between these uninvited interrogative phrases I kept throwing at myself, I would rather put myself to halt and analyze whether or not it's worth my energy.

cleaning and organizing has always been my coping mechanism most especially if I can't compose how I feel. or even if I do, I would still hold back because I don't want to be anyone's burden.

unfair - sometimes it's how I would see and describe life when plans don't go my way. it really is inevitable to compare my life from another person but what can I do? I'm gonna be honest - sometimes things I lack get magnified which will ignite the spark of these intrusive thoughts I've been trying to put out.

I just came from a vacation and I thought I would be recharged but then that sudden gush of sadness is slowly creeping up soon me. I just loathe the fact of how my past relationships made such a major damage in my mental health.

no matter how hard I try to pick myself up, it would all just come back to me as if it was an episode recap.

I just want to get over it - I really do and I'm still trying my best to not bring the heavy, excess baggage into my present life anymore most especially in my relationship.

I do enjoy my alone, quiet time because that way I could think clear. but alongside having no one physically by my side, the voices inside my head starts bringing up a list of every single question it could think of.

I just want to get over this. I just want to not let it consume me because it would feel like I'm invalidating all progress and achievements I have unlocked and went though ever since I was young.

sometimes I think of how a solution would be a mother's hug but that is distantly possible.

sometimes I stop and think how amazing it is absorbing the fact of how a completely different individual was birthed by my mother a decade apart from mine - yes, you read it right. my sister and I are 10 years apart but despite of such a huge age gap, I can relate and connect to her the most out of all people.

I'm so grateful of having her in my life that even no adjectives could suffice. she was a blessing from up above and seeing her bloom right in front of my very eyes is such a majestic sight. ever since our mother passed away, I never expected that we would be bonded like this - being so open to each other as if we were our own comfort song.

she has always been so selfless, humble and understanding. I still remember the days when I was having such a hard time pulling myself together during my break up, she was one of the only person I openly spoke to. it makes me chuckle how at such a young age it's like she instantly grew up to a human with such a matured mind asking me, "do you want me to sleep here with you in your room?"

life has never been easy for us. I have witnessed how she has been so patient and resilient. she's soft spoken embodied with wisdom and strength. music, crochet, books is what she likes to spend time the most. gifted.

I giggle at the fact that she has no idea how I can see some of her reposts on tiktok. I knew few years back she fell in love with Paris and some few countries that mesmerizes her.

now that I got the chance to live out my dream, I will always, always work hard to give her the life and everything she deserves.

my dearest kaori,

you are one of life's greatest blessings I will always be grateful for,

thank you for being so patient, understanding and lovely

I hope you know that me and our late mum's favorite flower is daisy,

one of your birth month flowers.

and just like the beautiful daisies blooming,

I love watching you blossom in my life's garden

especially to yourself, most importantly to yourself - in the midst of such a dreadful roster and few days of feeling under the weather, I managed to do some pending chores I was planning to do days ago. today I told myself to do some deep cleaning to lift up the weights off my shoulder most especially off my sight. mess makes me so stressed and despite of trying to clean, organize and keep everything put together, I just cannot find the time.

finally making schedule balancing work-life or at least going out to breathe in the new scenery aside from almost being one of our home furnitures as a home buddy (lol) I was able to go to the city again during night time.

today I woke up around 5am, snoozed back to sleep and woke up around 7am again. of course went through my phone, scrolled and got out off bed around 9am (don't judge me haha) then I had breakfast threw in some few batches of my clothes sitting in the laundry for days including my sheets, they needed some bath asap. to be honest, this isn't exactly how I imagined it to be. I was originally planning of cleaning for few hours like starting very early in the morning getting things done by late lunch or at least in the afternoon but now it's almost 5pm and I still haven't finished cleaning.

I was about to label this day as an unproductive one but hey, that would be so harsh of me. that would seem like I invalidated the small things that I've done today.

get it off my chest, write it on my desk. as much as I am putting effort towards trying to control my emotions, these intrusive thoughts really creeps up on me most especially when I'm alone at any time of the day. recently, I was questioning as to why things have to be this way.

I look back few years ago, how ever since I was young I was already brought up into such a challenging set up - I came from a broken family. I was the first born and I absolutely have no idea how I was able to understand things in a grown up point of view at such a tender age.

earlier I even find myself thinking, "I as an individual, am really necessary or by default have to show up strong? because that's how life felt for me - I always felt like fighting just to have such a meaningful, substantial life. strength comes first, the rest is autopilot"

I was even reminded of a post I saw before,

"but it made you stronger.

I was a child; I didn't need to be stronger,

I needed to be safe."

and it honestly made me tear up. at the back of my head I was like "oo nga noh? ever since I was a child, rather than feeling safe it always seemed like a fight or flight for me"

I was even reminded of my past relationships - how I was the only one who kept fighting but never fought for. when I needed to be vulnerable, I can't execute what I genuinely feel otherwise more often than comfort, it's guilt and gaslight I get in return. how sometimes I feel more masculine in the relationship because it's always no one but me who stands up to make things work.

currently, despite being able to have such a short but sweet vacation in Phuket, instead of feeling refreshed and renewed, it seems like my eyes are opening itself to look at the bigger picture. my mind asks me to sort things and categorize it as worth it or not as early as now. otherwise I might just be yet again wasting my time.

I am not in the mood to speak to anyone right now but my sister. despite the huge age gap, she's the one I could always turn to - she's my best friend, my soul sister indeed.

not to mention these week straight of standby feels suffocating. despite not wanting to be around people, I feel like I need to go out and rethink my decisions in life.

I know I couldn't easily run away from these haze I've been feeling so I would just write it down for a quick escape.