⚠️ Warning Signs of Dangerous and Unethical BDSM Practices
Entering the world of BDSM can be beautiful, empowering, and healing. But stepping into this world also means stepping into vulnerability. And where there is vulnerability, there will unfortunately always be those who seek to exploit it.
I write this not just as someone who knows the rules, but as someone who has seen the consequences when they are broken. I have witnessed red flags ignored, hearts broken, and gentle souls hurt by people who have no place in the BDSM community. I write this for every person I have seen wounded, and for every kind soul out there still searching for their place. I want to protect you by giving you the armor of seeing the warning signs, and the strength and support to walk away when something feels wrong.
Because it's important to know that not everyone who calls themselves a Dominant or Submissive has earned that title. There are those who will misuse these dynamics to excuse abuse, manipulation, and harm, by disguising cruelty as "kink."
If you are exploring, whether for the first time or after carrying the scars of past experiences, hear me now: You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to be protected.
This guide was created not to frighten you, but to arm you, and to remind you: You are never wrong for protecting yourself. You are never wrong for walking away. Recognizing red flags does not make you cold, suspicious, or “too much.” It makes you wise.
So read this post not with fear, but with the strength of knowing you are worth more than those who would misuse your trust.
🚩 Red Flags in Dominants You Should Never Ignore
Refuses to discuss boundaries, safewords, or consent. A healthy Dominant welcomes clear communication about what you want, need, and do not consent to. If someone brushes it off, jokes about it, or tells you that "real" submission means you don't need a safeword, leave.
Removes aftercare or safewords as a form of punishment. A real, ethical Dominant will never take away your safeword or aftercare as punishment. Safewords are your lifeline, they protect your safety, sanity, and autonomy. Aftercare is vital for your emotional and physical well-being after intense scenes. These are non-negotiable rights, not rewards to be given or taken based on behavior. If anyone threatens to remove or deny your safeword or aftercare as a punishment: Walk away. You are not dealing with a Dominant. You are facing an abuser.
Pushes you into dynamics or activities you haven't agreed to. Consent must be enthusiastic and informed, not manipulated, guilted, or assumed.
Tells you that "good" submissives have no limits. You are not "bad" or "less" if you have limits. Limits are normal, healthy, and necessary.
Demands submission before trust is established. True submission is earned, not taken. A Dominant who pressures you to submit early on is not interested in your well-being, only in their control.
Dismisses aftercare as unnecessary. Aftercare is not a luxury; it's a vital part of ethical BDSM. Your emotional, mental, and physical care matters after a scene.
Demands titles (like "Mistress," "Mommy," etc.) immediately without your agreement. Titles should always be discussed, offered and accepted with consent. They are not automatic or owed.
Becomes angry or punishing when you express discomfort, ask questions, or say no. A safe Dominant will never punish you for advocating for yourself.
Is vague about their experience, references, or past partners. A Dominant with integrity will be transparent about their journey, including mistakes they've done and/or learned from.
Romanticizes or encourages unsafe practices like CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) without deep negotiation and a very strong trust foundation. CNC can be beautiful only when it is deeply negotiated and handled with extreme care. Anyone rushing into it or treating it casually is dangerous.
Plays while angry, drunk, or under the influence. Impaired judgment has no place in BDSM. Ever.
Disrespects your existing relationships, commitments, or mental health needs. A caring Dominant honors all parts of your life, not just the parts they want access to.
🚩 Red Flags in a Submissive
No Respect for Their Own Limits. A submissive who says "I have no limits" or refuses to talk about boundaries is unsafe, for themselves and for you. Everyone has limits. A refusal to acknowledge them shows inexperience, misunderstanding, or emotional instability.
Pushes for Instant Intensity. Asking for intense scenes, dangerous play (like CNC, breathplay, or heavy impact) immediately shows a lack of understanding of trust, safety, and connection. A good submissive respects the importance of pacing and building trust.
Disregards Negotiation. If they rush past important conversations about safewords, triggers, expectations, or needs, it’s a sign they may not be ready for BDSM in a healthy way.
No Safeword Agreement. A submissive refusing to use a safeword because they "want to be broken" or "don't want to stop" ignores that BDSM should be mutually safe and consensual.
Manipulation for Attention. Using guilt, self-harm threats, or emotional blackmail to get more dominance, control, or attention is abusive behavior, not submission.
Treats Submission Like a Transaction. "If I do this, you owe me that" thinking is incompatible with healthy dynamics. Submission is a gift, not a bargain for affection or attention.
Disrespecting Your Boundaries as a Dominant. A submissive who begs for things you have clearly said you are not comfortable with (pushing your own limits) is not respecting you. Dominants have limits too, and they matter just as much.
Fetishizing or Dehumanizing Dominants. Seeing Dominants only as fantasy objects ("you're just a tool for my needs") instead of real people with feelings and needs can lead to harmful, one-sided dynamics.
Poor Communication After Scenes. Refusing to give feedback, withdrawing emotionally without warning, or refusing aftercare conversations can damage trust and connection.
🚩 Dangerous Practices
Ignoring safe calls/check-ins: Especially for early meetings, safe calls (someone checking on you) are crucial.
Edgeplay with no prior experience or safety measures: Breathplay, knife play, or psychological edgeplay should only be explored with extensive education, experience, and deep trust.
Isolation tactics: If someone tries to cut you off from friends, family, or community, they are not protecting you, they are trapping you.
Public play without your clear consent: No one has the right to involve you in kink scenes or exposure without your enthusiastic yes.
No aftercare planning: Emotional and physical care after a scene is part of ethical BDSM. Its absence can leave lasting harm.
No emergency knowledge or tools. Lack of basics like safety shears during bondage scenes, or not knowing how to respond to medical emergencies (like fainting, nerve compression, panic attacks) shows dangerous irresponsibility.
Consent to One Thing, Doing Another. If someone agrees to one act but then escalates to something riskier or unrelated without asking, that is violating consent and sexual assault.
What a Healthy, Ethical Dominant Looks Like
Consistently respects your autonomy, boundaries, and voice.
Communicates openly, patiently, and invites your questions.
Treats your consent as sacred, not optional.
Prioritizes your safety, emotional health, and aftercare needs.
Understands that dominance is service, responsibility, and care, not power for power’s sake.
Grows with you. Listens, adapts, and values your humanity first.
What a Healthy, Ethical Submissive Looks Like
Honors their own limits and communicates them regularly.
Engages in thoughtful negotiation instead of rushing into intense scenes without discussion.
Uses safewords and communication tools responsibly.
Respects the Dominant’s boundaries and humanity.
Owns their emotional well-being.
Approaches submission as a gift of trust and growth.
Values ongoing consent and connection.
True BDSM is based on
Informed and respected consent
Trust and mutual care
Respect for limits
Constant communication
Ongoing negotiation
There is no kink so “hardcore” that it should ever ignore safety or consent. Ever.
A Gentle Reminder
You are not "too much" for having boundaries. You are not "too needy" for wanting aftercare. You are not "too difficult" for wanting to feel safe and respected. You are allowed and encouraged to walk away the moment something feels wrong. You deserve a dynamic that lifts you, protects you, and cherishes you.
And if you ever feel unsure or currently in an unsafe dynamic, reach out to trusted friends, help lines, or community spaces where ethical BDSM is practiced and discussed, for help. You are never alone.
Stay safe. Stay empowered. And above all, stay loved. 🤍
This. All of this. A good kink community starts by understanding what good and bad actors look like, and how to ensure everyone is safe and happy. Let's all learn and be better for each other!
