New York's Finest Daily Newspaper

J. Jonah Jameson, editor and publisher of the Daily Bugle, paced the hardwood floors of his Fifth Avenue Manhattan office. Occasionally, he would pause, and look to see if any emails had been sent to him by opinionated New Yorkers. Thus far, none had been sent, and he was beginning to grow restless.

His most recent article regarding Harry Osborn and the Goblin sightings was, in his own words, magnificent, and warranted the attention of the citizens of the city. Indeed, after publication earlier that morning, Jameson expected in influx of letter and emails regarding the connection, and was ready to print as soon as those letter came. 

But none did. No-one seemed to care. Perhaps it was because half of the city was dead, but still. Half a population should still be enough to be involved with goings-on in their lives. The idea of the uncaring masses got Jameson more hot-headed than usual, so when Miss Brant entered to inform him that an individual was there, in person, to speak with Jameson regarding the article, he was overjoyed.

“Well, what are you waiting for, Brant!” He slapped his hands together, and motioned for her to hurry to her station, “Send them in!” 

GOBLIN GHOST LOOMS AFTER OSBORN DEATH!

From the Desk of Editor and Publisher J. Jonah Jameson

Long after the mysterious death of one of New York City’s most notorious villains and industrial capitalists, Norman Osborn, citizens are still plagued with sightings of the Green Goblin throughout the city. From Staten Island to the Bronx, reports have been coming in of the famous purple glider and green tint of tacky armor being spotted high above the buildings. The strange sightings beg the question: Is Norman Osborn truly dead, and does his spirit haunt the skies?

JAMESON gulped back another cup of coffee as he typed on his computer the back page for tomorrow’s paper. “CRIMINAL PROFILES:”, it read at top, the fun and colorful font masking the deeply belligerent tone of the weekly series. Below it in the tagline “PYROMANIAC ‘FIRESTAR’” followed by the blurry picture an amateur had shot last week. He cursed, angry at the young Peter Parker, who had so often brought in amazing photos and yet has not shown up to his office in weeks. It was upsetting to Jameson, mostly because he had to rely on shittier content. Still, it was the first picture he had gotten of the fiery fiend and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to use it.

Jameson turned in his seat to stare at the empty cup on the desk before him. “MIA!” He shouted into the hallway, his face turning red as he screamed, “ANOTHER CUP! I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!”

NEW YORK’S FINEST DAILY NEWSPAPER straight from the desk of New York’s finest editor and publisher  J. JONAH JAMESON.                                                                 

From the Desk of Editor and Publisher J. Jonah Jameson

The parade of pill bottles that lined the edge of his desk shook as he landed his fists on the table. 

WANTED FUGITIVE AND HYDRA-COLLABORATOR STEVE ROGERS SPOTTED IN COLUMBUS CIRCLE

From the Desk of Editor and Publisher J. Jonah Jameson

Several months ago, the world was shaken by the events which took place in Vienna on what was supposed to be a momentous step towards wrangling-in the super-powered perpetrators of violence. What came from the conference, instead, was death and betrayal.

But what was most shocking was not the sudden explosion that killed several high-ranking diplomats and nearly brought down a building on innocent civilians. Nor was it the revelation that the bomber was a known Hydra1 agent. 

No, the piece of information that hurt America at it’s core was the choice of Steve Rogers, the once great Captain America ( @earnedstripes​ ), aiding and abetting the Hydra agent and, in turn, betraying all America stands for.

So after tossing his country aside, spitting on the ground of the nation that idolized him, all to assist an international killer and criminal in escape and evasion of capture, you’d think Steve Rogers would have the right mind to, at the very least, never show his face in New York City ever again.

Alas, dear readers, for not even this was enough to elicit one ounce of shame in Mr. Rogers’ body. For Steve Rogers was recently spotted in Columbus Circle, apparently in disguise and once again causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage for us tax-payers to take care of later. 

Rogers fought some sort of large robot, one of mysterious origin who's markings would imply a relation to associates of Steve Rogers. Indeed, some analysts have suggested the whole thing was a stunt in order to improve Steve Rogers standing in America.

Luckily for America, we are not comprised of only fools and fanatics. We will not fall for flashy parlor tricks or scruffy facial hair. Steve Rogers has chosen to show his face not only on US soil, but right here in the city, so we need to be the ones to remind him that he betrayed us. That he betrayed his country.

If you have any information about Steve Rogers whereabouts, contact Thaddeus Ross, Secretary of State.

“WANTED FUGITIVE AND HYDRA-COLLABORATOR STEVE ROGERS SPOTTED IN COLUMBUS CIRCLE”

His eyes scanned the article title again. Wanted Fugitive. Hydra-Collaborator. What so many were afraid to call the super-soldier, only the Daily Bugle had the guts. 

The article itself was written by J. Jonah Jameson. Too many of his best reporters were becoming bashful when it came getting down and dirty on superhero reporting, and if he didn’t have a paper to print, they’d all be fired faster than a buttered bullet. So now he wrote most of the articles involving the freaks.

“Brant!” He pressed his finger against the bright red button of the intercom and shouted into it. “Let the next appointment in, then cancel the rest. I’ve done a fine day’s work.” He smiled and sat back in his chair, hands behind his head. “Any day I can tear down another self-righteous steroid fiend is a good day.” He chuckled.

“Helped a lot of people?” How many people has he helped, exactly? Have you met them all? Have you talked to every New Yorker about how Spider-Man strolled into their apartment to give them the Heimlich while they choked on a spoonful of week-old curry? 

We’ve always had police officers who work hard to make this city safe every goddamn day. We have firefighters saving kittens from trees and babies from burning buildings every weekend. You couldn’t walk down the road without tripping on some freaking good samaritan’s hind foot as he kneels down to tie the shoe of a hundred year old blind lady.And did any of them get front page news? No. Did any of them get the recognition they deserve? No. 

The Daily Bugle has spent the last fifty years covering the amazing citizens this city has to offer, the real, normal people who keep us safe. And then these super-powered costumed freaks show up and all the other news outlets and pundits pretend like the world was hell before them.

Well, now it’s the Bugle’s job to expose these creeps for who they really are: Cons. Degenerates. Freaks who couldn’t pass a fitness test so they put on some shiny armor or pump up on mutant steroids then go punching normal citizens like it’s their goddamn civic duty.

And now one has the gall to make New York it’s own personal web? That’s where I draw the line. I don’t just hate the Spider-Man. I hate all he represents. And all he doesn’t.

WHO IS THE SPIDER-MENACE? 

From the Desk of Editor and Publisher J. Jonah Jameson

Ever since the day a simple carjacker was found beaten nearly to death near the edge of a Queen’s subway terminal last November, mumbling about a giant spider, citizens of New York have feared the mask criminal who swings upon synthetic ropes and pummels nearly-innocent people within an inch of their lives.  New York has had it’s share of beings calling themselves heroes while taking down building and building fighting wars they started, but at least we have names to their masks. Steve Rogers, the Nazi-affiliated super soldier, and Tony Stark, the elitist war-criminal, are just two that have attempted to gain our trust by parading in colorful armor and punching the occasional mutant alien. But New York stood it ground, and finally the rest of the world has recognized it’s mistake in believing these villains. Steve Rogers is now on the run from the law, and Tony Stark hides in his tower, where he should stay. But some foolish individuals have still chosen to idolize this so-called “vigilante”, Spider-Man, as a hero. Supposedly, his high-risk acts of aerobatics (which could influence impressionable youngsters into attempting the same dangerous stunts) have coincidentally led to the incidental rescue of some lives. But don’t be fooled, this thrill-seeking psycho is nothing more than a con, a miscreant, and a menace on our society. 

Police are under pressure because of all the bad press caused by the Spider-Man and the accusations that he is doing a better job than them. When the Avengers invaded New York and destroyed half the city, at least they had the good mind to keep away and not interfere the rest of the year. But not the Spider. This twisted pervert, who swings by schoolyards in nothing but a colorful unitard, seems to think he has a home in New York and a place to continue his crooked crusade.