words

But when love equals suffocating obsession and fear of what will inevitably be lost again, where does that that leave me?

I hate existing in a body that doesn't allow me to do the things that make me feel alive, the very few things that temporary plug the bottomless pit in my chest

I hate that I'm still convinced there's not enough of me left

Not enough of the things required to be worthy of connection, of staying interesting

I hate that I could get anyone I want but only physically, fuckable but never lovable

That my body is all that I'm worth and I use it to my advantage because it's all I have

I hate that I need drugs, sex and validation from strangers to survive the heaviness eating me alive every second, minute, hour of the day

I hate that my existence seems to be on pause again, survival mode I'm waiting to get out of before all that's festering inside will crush me again

I hate that after all these years I'm still fighting to be taken seriously, worthy of help

That I'm not profitable enough to try fixing so they'll put it in the files, that I'm doing just fine

I'm sentenced to an endless cycle of push and pull, fixate, worry then isolate

Being on my own and telling myself it's alright because it's all I've ever known

Can't see while staying with anyone who thought I needed saving

Turned into an actress playing someone I never was, helpless

Climbed out of my bog, exhausted, I laid down on the forest floor

Can't shake the feeling I reek of the corpses I left behind

I'm crying in the backseat while you're driving me somewhere that doesn't feel like home

You missed our exit, can we turn around?

Just keep on driving 'till it feels like home again

Can we keep driving 'till you feel like home again?

Won't you carry me through?

Socks turned wet and heavy, mud creeping into my shoes

How naive to think they'd always stay waterproof

You give, but first you'll always take

A simple transaction, it's only my body and the physical buys all

So I mold myself into the perfect product to be sold

I'm pretty easy, or so they say

‘You've been impulsive and we've done it before, so what's a few more?’

I think I've always been easy prey

And so I swallowed it all, aching to quench this endless thirst for a drop of love

or at least the taste of temporary safety lingering in the back of my mouth

And you have a desperate need to feel it melt on your tongue, irresistible sweetness pouring over your lips

again and again, like you never notice the bitter aftertaste

Your touch on my soul

minds to collide and morph into one

I crave your skin colliding with mine

as we give in to primal rage

Devour me like the piece of meat I am

I crave being marked yours

I crave emotionless physical ecstasy

I’m your favorite body and nothing more

Watch me drown in my tears

I crave being discarded like empty packaging when you're done

I crave begging you to stay

even knowing you never will

I long for the high, the love bomb

you can never resist ripping away

I crave to be drawn back into your web like the stupid fly I am

That I was so brave, a fighter who lost the game?

That I was too weak for this life, that I took the easy way out?

Would he think he was right and saw it coming all along?

Would he think he got off this sinking ship just in time?

Will they finally see that what happened was never fair to me?

I do not know what whole looks like

or should feel like

I suppose I should feel anything at all

Anything but the rage and disdain

that circle around within the empty hole that is me

The hollow space where

I suppose hope and passion should be

But inside this void time isn't real

Nothing is linear and it does not have a measurable size

It does not fit inside me

Yet I do not fit inside it

I cannot tell you if it is even real, as I have never been able to tell the difference

Everybody seems to be fighting to survive

But nobody wins a fist fight against atrophy 

It gets to you eventually 

Picks us off one by one

Slowly, painfully

Or before you even know it

long gone, forgotten

You beg for it and pray

Rising and falling of a heavy chest

Sit and wait all on your own

For time to finally take you away

I can't wait for the day 

It breaks me free from this broken vessel

But lately I've been starting to think 

That maybe I was sentenced to life

Sharp sounds of clinky metal used to clatter all around but the noise has long faded

The rust on the shackles leaving skin torn Yellowish puss from the wounds leaking all over the frigid metal fusing it further into the skin 

This is the house that was given

And there is simply no chance of escape

I'm your favorite problem child

you shaped me, designed me just like you wanted

Everyone assumed you were right

They told me I was special, but truth is that's what you wanted to be

I performed all the tricks you wanted me too and I still wasn't good enough

Forced me into a corner teaching me I was the problem

Learned to cover up who I am for them to like me and I still do

I don't know who I am if I'm not what was made by you

A selfish kid

too lazy to become all I could be

And that made you mad 

So frustrated I wouldn't be what you had planned for me

I was just another part of your scheme

I screamed

I kicked 

I cried

I yelled

They would never believe me if I tried

You told my story before I got the chance to do it myself

I'll dance, jump or crawl if that's what you want me to do

Cause I'm desperate for your love, it's pathetic

And you take it away so suddenly

The connection I crave you seem to cut off so easily 

My parents are master manipulators, but what does that make me?

“But other people are in more pain, can’t digest any food at all, and are actually passing out on the regular. Sick people are underweight. You don’t look sick, you’re at a healthy weight right? You can have all the foods you want, as long as you blame yourself for the pains that come after. If you get light headed, nauseous, but you can just sit down and the issue resolves itself, why can’t you just push through? Are you choosing to be that lazy, sensitive? It’s not a surprise you’re so exhausted all the time, you’re just deconditioned from sitting on your ass for years. You need to exercise, push your boundaries and all of this will get better. If not, it’s because of your lack of commitment and ability to handle a set back. Life’s full of disappointment, we all deal with it, maybe you’re just being overly sensitive. How about you start with not taking everything so personally? And If those little digestive problems really are that bad, you shouldn’t have starved yourself as an attention needy teen. Your body simply isn’t used to eating enough. And what's all the complaining about anyway? After all, wasn’t staying skinny all you ever wanted?”

It stares at me every time I walk out of the bedroom, the bathroom, when entering the house after walking the dog. It stops me in my tracks every time, like it’s saying:

“look at me, you officially gave up, you’re weak, you wanted this. You could just push through like you always have, but you’re choosing not to, even though you could. What does that make you? Too lazy to walk off a little bit of pain ‘cause, let’s be honest here, it’s not like those chubby legs of yours will actually give in. You begged for this, remember? As a child, so desperate for love and care. Well, you can finally be the centre of attention now, just like you always dreamed of. Are you finally fucking happy now?”

But there’s not a crumb of attention to be found, not a single shred of empathy I have come across.

But you're crawling through my skull today

Scratching at the porous bone as I choke on heaps of it's dust

Echoes of words they said bouncing through my hollow shell until I shatter

The way you said my name just like they do, don't you know it's forbidden now?

Of everything fucked but I didn’t realize yet

We fell apart, not unlike we did before

A cycle set in stone

Built up from broken people, never whole to begin with

I wish I could enjoy the summer sun, no signs of the memories

Of betrayal now six years passed

A lair I’d never met before dropped the first domino

One left me to die, oh so sure

I was certain the other would

Somehow two of us survived

And neither ever the same

The one you keep wrapped up in chains

I'm the piece that wants to watch it all

burn, for revenge or to finally feel at peace

The one that never really cared either way, and needs more blood to flow

I'm the closet that holds all the memories and pain, the doors of which you nailed shut

But not quite well enough, did you now?

As it spills from the crack formed at the bottom

How could I ever be all they wanted me to be?

Plate's full of everything you throw at me

Now I'm all hollowed out

Wondering what could've been

I'm an empty shell of what I should've been

Fill me up with memories and tapes keep playing on repeat

All I wanted was to be enough for you

But you keep on sucking me dry through and through 

I'm just an accessory to you