A home for sarcasm

lady: yeah, crazier than my grandmother

Ordered a large pizza out loud in my sleep last night. I'm not sure if I'm impressed or scared.

Sometimes I want to surprise myself making a mess by busting through the door and yelling, "what kind of tomfoolery is this?!"

Happy Halloween!

Using a stove to heat water for baths and pouring it accordingly with a pot for days due to a disconnected water heater. You'd think I was living in a cabin. Next I'll be pedaling to generate electricity. Stay tuned.

Thought I might have an eye infection since it was irritated and vision was blurry. Turns out my contacts were inside out.

I ate it skateboarding on the way back from the doctor who told me I probably need shoulder surgery.

me: Really?

Art? Or Vomit? (By my 9month old son) Either way I'm impressed.

Every morning I’m moving shopping carts so they don’t roll into my new jeep. I’m starting to get so good at it, I’m starting to feel guilty for taking away a job from hard working people.

I literally have a headache from trying to be a good person.

On the east coast they have a travel ban due to hazardous weather conditions. Meanwhile in California, my morning commute consisted of someone drifting into lanes repeatedly on the 101 freeway while they attempt to lick their dripping snow cone at 7am.

Just gimme my tickets already!