That wasn't very pop punk of you

This is where I leave our chemistry. It is where I reloaded that I deserve someone who loves me, someone who can say the three words that can change a girl’s life forever. Someone who will be grateful I’m by their side.

This is where I stop. This is where I breathe.

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting in her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tries to make sense of it all. Now, I want you to imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I don’t hate you though. Instead I want to thank you.

Despite it taking me months, I finally realised that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you.

I know I’m not the same girl that was in my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.

I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me, I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become. I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were part of my life, because you became the best and worst thing to happen to me.

He told me he didn’t want a relationship. Then would get drunk, sleep in the same bed as me and kiss me telling me how our relationship was so special to him and different. I got over him, even became friends with one of his girlfriends. I was over him. They broke up 2 months later and then he kissed me.

The final straw you ask? He stopped. Why? He decided to pursue a relationship with my BEST FUCKING FRIEND. I was hurt more than words could express. That’s when they also decided to cut me out of our friendship group because I wasn’t getting over it quick enough for their liking. I put on a brave face just a week after finding out they were together. I smiled everytime I saw them, got home and sobbed in my mum’s arms. I hung out with them for 4 months and then they just cut me out completely without warning. I had no one. I lost every single one of my friends because they cut me off.

They’ve been together nearly 6 years. They got engaged. I’m over him, but fuck it still hurts. And I can never forgive them for making me feel like my life was not worth living.

They’re still stuck in the same dead-ass town doing the same dumb shit we did when we were 18. I picked myself up, got a job in my favourite city, made a whole bunch of new friends. I get to watch my footy team run out every week. I met the players. I’m on a first name basis with them. I met a boy. I really like him.