2 AM Thoughts

Hi love,

As the title says, this is my first letter to you. I contemplated on putting a different gif here but I figured this fits better since I always write at night. I thought of inserting a gif about breakfast. I love breakfast so I hope you do too. Honestly we don’t have to wake up early for it. I’d eat it any time of the day. There’s a comfort to it. Simple and warm. Just like how I hope you are. Simple, not too many complications. We’ll laugh at the way people walk outside or how the fried egg turned out to be. Warm like your hugs in the morning or your smile when you wake up next to me. I can’t wait for the days where we just stay in bed, talking about our week, looking at the sky. We’ll order in because we don’t want to break the comfort of just being near each other. We can watch a movie or binge a series together, maybe read the Percy Jackson series and geek out together. We’ll listen to our playlists, maybe dance to it or sleep? That works for me too. On our bad days we’ll eat ice cream no matter how late it is or maybe grab a beer. When we fight, we’ll give each other space and we’ll process our emotions. No shouting or lashing at each other. We’ll talk about it and solve it together. We’ll accept all the good and work through the bad. On some days you’ll appreciate the mood light in our room and ask me about why I love essential oils so much. Really I’ll just tell you I find that it helps with my mood and it might help you too. We’ll have so many comfy blankets that makes us not want to get up. You’ll make coffee for the both of us and I’ll always remind you to drink a glass of water first before you sip your coffee. We’ll talk about almost everything and you’ll find it interesting how I can blabber.. like I’m doing right now. I hope you never get tired of it. I hope you kiss my forehead on days I don’t feel like I’m at my best and I’ll hug you on the days where you feel drained. I’ll always be an ear who listens, a shoulder to lean on, and your person through and through. I hope you like the cold weather because I do. That just gives me more excuse to be near you, to cuddle you, to feel your warmth.

Even though I’ve said all this, I don’t need you to be this exact same person. I know I’ll love you for who you are and whenever I look at you I’ll look back to when I was writing this letter. Maybe we’ll even read it together. I know that wherever life takes me, I’ll end up in your arms and this will all be a good memory. I don’t need perfect; I just need you. Love, I hope you see how I genuinely feel for you even though (and this is funny) I don’t know you yet. You’re probably asleep or out enjoying whatever hobby it is that you like. Live your best life everyday. I can’t wait to hear all about it. I hope I see you soon, I can’t wait to meet you.

Is it when you think about him in the little things? Or is it when you think about him always? Or is it when you can sit in the comfort of silence and be confident that he’s just there for you.. always.

How do you know that you’re willing to risk it all again for him? That all the tears and waiting will all be worth it in the end because it’s him. How do you know that he chooses you? That he thinks of you and he’s sure that this is it. Because for all you know you could both be sure today and unsure tomorrow. How do you really know?

I think it’s when you start breaking the walls brick by brick. When you decide to let him in. When you tell him how your day went even though it’s not really much different from the day before. When you want to hear what he has to say. When you want to be there for him, through laughter and tears. It’s when he says he misses you and you choose to believe it. It’s when you trust him when he says he’ll tell you when he can. It’s when you’re patient enough to wait even though uncertainty scares the living soul out of your body. It’s when you choose him.

There’s a level of commitment and bravery that comes into choosing even though you’re uncertain. It takes guts. It takes a huge amount of trust; with yourself and the person you choose. It’s brave to choose to be happy.

You know when you’re happy. When you can’t wait to see him the next day. When you can’t wait to share this thing you saw online. When you want him in the loop. When you hear his voice and it makes you smile. When you’ve waited patiently and now he’s back. You don’t even ask for time alone, you just want him to be happy with friends and acquaintances. You don’t even wait for him to say he misses you. Because you know. You choose to know. And that’s alright. Because in the back of your mind you know he chooses you too.

It’s been 8 months. After living alone for almost 2 years, I moved back in. Maybe I’m overreacting or maybe I’m reeling, but the fact that it’s been 8 months still feels surreal to me.

When I started living alone I was so sure. So sure that’ll I’ll miss home every second of the day I breathed. And I did. I missed seeing my mom on the couch, I missed seeing my brother sleep in his room, and I especially missed dad’s breakfast. But on the flip side of that coin I missed my life. I missed eating whenever I wanted to. I missed binging shows, playing music non-stop, having friends over, the drunk, messy nights, the feasts I’d have at 12 midnight. Sometimes I ask myself, do I hate being here? At home? Where people are always there for me, where I don’t have to cook, eat on my own and wash my own dishes? If I really think about it? No I don’t. When I pondered on it I think most of it is I miss my life. My life where I called all the shots, where I was responsible of everything, where I could make mistakes and correct them too.

It’s the sense of independence and control. That I had my shit together and it works. Here, none of my shit works. It’s as if  everything I’ve worked for these past couple of years were trashed. I felt like my life was moving backwards. That instead of moving forward, I’m back where I started; in my room, in front of my screen, being told what to do. I was so sure I was on the right track, but I guess not anymore.

I remember the drive home from a night out. This gif looks like what I’d see when I’m almost home. I always thought that looking at the city lights glowing under the night sky was such a beautiful view. And that I’ve always wanted to share this view with someone I loved.

That fucking L word. Hahaha. Sometimes I feel like fate is playing a weird joke with me. One day I ask for a man who will bring me nuggets just because. I remember thinking “If someone ever does this to me, it really means he’s the one.” Lo and behold, the universe presents me with the man who broke my heart within a couple of months. I thought, “well maybe I spoke about it too much?” So then on to the next, I started talking less, understanding more. But still, I was too much. Then confusion struck me: at one point I was so lacking that this guy had to find someone else and then, I became too much that the next guy ran away. Where do I draw the line? How do I become enough?

All the men I’ve been with have told me, “I think I love you.” or “I’m starting to like you.” Both L words and yet.. here I am. Alone. Listening to another sad playlist, struck with emotion because of the sound of the rain outside. Never trusting, always playing around.

So I just saw The Little Price and let’s just say..... ˢᵒᵐᵉ tears were shed. 😭

I think a handful of people have suggested that I read this book but I never got to it for some reason. Until I’ve decided to watch the movie earlier tonight. If what I know is right, the movie is different from the book but I remember a friend told me,

“This book gives you a different interpretation whenever you read it. At least in my experience.” 

In my experience, it talked about how we live our lives. To me, what is essential is that we live our lives the way we want to. But that’s not always easy, is it? I’ve been living alone (more or less) for more than 5 years now and life has not gotten any easier. Being an adult required so many things: be responsible, pay the bills, cook for yourself, go to work, earn money, spend money, have fun, LIVE. But how do I live if I don’t enjoy most of the time I spend my life on? It’s important we don’t forget the things that make us happy; think, simple joys. If you think you did well this week, maybe you need a spa weekend. Did you get a commendation from work? Go get that frappuccino, extra whip.

So.... on a whim I decided to create this for me to be able to ~express~ my thoughts in a “”safe space”” 👀