Imagine.One Day.

Time will heal. Right? Surely there will be less bad days? I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I feel unstable. I get anxiety, I overthink then you text me and it is like an instant relief. 

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

How have you got such a hold on me? Well thats easy, it’s because you are truley beautiful inside and out. Our energy has consumed me, you’re ‘the good type of weird’ and I miss you, I miss the way you used to talk to me, the way you used to see me and confide in me. Unfortunatley, I cannot just pretend those 4 weeks did not happen. I cannot shut myself off when you pulled me wide open. You have seen the deepest parts of me I have never shown.

You are about to enbark on a new adventure of individuality. You have this amazing oppotunity to move out and after us having a standard boring chat you say “will you come visit me if I get lonely?” Obviously I jump at the oppotunity. Truth is you knew the answer, you know the hold you have on me. Then you speak about her, your ex. About how she asked you to hang out and you want to. My heart drops. I feel so much. I can’t let you go. 

Thinking about you.

Story time. You always loved a story. To whoever reads this, here is the story of our first kiss.

You always intruiged me. We had this unexplained energy. Thats why its so special, thats why I can’t let go of you. 

Friday. 

I came in to help close up, your girlfriend left in your car and you asked me to take you home. I can see you were emotional so I messaged you as soon as you left my car. Telling you its ok and I was here for you, that weekend we admitted our feelings to eachother. That Sunday the night before work we spoke about the unexplained beautiful tension between us. You told me “tomorrow just know when I see you all I will be thinking of is kissing you” That was the first time I truly felt my heart skip a beat. I thought it would never happen but the thought gave me butterflies. I couldn’t stop smiling, I couldn’t wait to see you. Be in your presence.

The following Monday.

I have never been so nervous and excited to go into work. I found out weeks later you were axious about seeing me too. We spent the whole day cleaning, laughing and sharing secret stares and smiling. We had a playlist on and amost every song made us giggle in awkwardness at certain lyrics. After lunch I went to the cleaning cupboard and you walked in. We stood in silence and I got nervous as you came closer, I could feel your breath on my neck, you slowly turned your head and I said “you’ll regret this” and walked away. At the time my heart sank, I instantly regretted it. I text you after (although we were still in the same building) I told you how hard that was and how bad I wanted to kiss you but you’ve never cheated in your life and I didnt want you to regret me. The end of the day came and we went to test the lights. It was just us again. You sat down. I told you how bad I wanted to kiss you. How I have had butterflies all day at the thought. You said you couldnt resist me any longer and your tummy was in bits. You said you’ve already cheated by feeling this way towards me  and that you’ve already said too much. It was already wrong. My nerves got worse. I felt sick, I called you over. Told you to give me a hug and we can leave. You walked over, our eye contact didnt break. I pulled you in and laid my head on your shoulder, you spun me around putting your back against the plant room door. I felt your head turn again, I felt your breath on my neck, then my lips. I said “you can’t” you then said “I have to” you you pulled me in and kissed me. What happened next I couldnt explain. This flushing butterflies feeling ran through my body. You then put your hand on the back of my neck, I grabbed your waist and this beautiful moment continued but it was over too quickly. It was mindblowing. The perfect kiss, the kiss that only happens in the movies. Despite the cercumstances, despite I knew you couldnt be mine, I wanted you from that moment on. It confirmed to me this is real. 

The beautiful thing about us was we talked so much. Especially after big moments like this one and moments when nothing happened and we spends hours just talking, you’d get home and we’d both just be like woah, mindblown of what we felt, our energy, us. We always talked, we were always honest about our feelings but now I know your confused. I can tell you miss her. You said you need me as a “friend” because your head is not in the right place. I agree, I don’t want us when your head is unsure, I want you to want me. No matter how hard it is for me to not call you princess or say goodnight properly, no matter how hard it is for me to accept we have to go back to friendship. I will always be here for you. I got you. I promise.

I woke up today to a text from you saying it’s weird that I’m not going in with you. I wish it said I miss you. Today I felt slightly better, until now. It is 8 pm and I am thinking about you, too much. I am in my feelings but I am better than yesturday. As selfish as it is, I want you to miss me. To miss our bubble. Last week that was the case but since Friday night you’ve changed. We don’t speak like that anymore. You can’t, you aren’t ok, I know that. More than anything I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.

Thinking about you.

Today my heart is still heavy, my heart is sore. I felt better momentary when I was with you when you were smiling, but you were smiling at her. You were happy because of her and that made me happy because I know you’ve been struggling but you don’t know that I have been too.

All you’ve said to me I am holding on to. I believe it is true because it hurts less. You have said things to me no one has ever had. You have made me feel things no one has ever managed. You have looked at me in a way no one else has. You have opened me up and then everything changed overnight and I am alone there waiting in our bubble. Reminiscing on how you used to speak to me. It hurts so much. All you have said to me can’t be a lie. I believed it all. I wanted it all and now I am here, in my feelings talking to you like friends like nothing ever happened. Like it was all a dream, well it felt like a dream. Too good to be true. The real thing. You looked me in my eyes and told me you could fall in love with me so easily. I fell hard for those words. I hold on to those words. I hold on to the thought that what we felt is still in your heart. I hope that one day when you’ve healed you’ll think of all our magical moments. Our bubble.

I was so happy. You made me so happy. I wish to be that happy again one day. I keep thinking will there be a day when we have our first date? I’ve thought of it a thousand times. I’ve thought of every last detail, all the different possibilities but most of all I think of how happy I would be if I got the chance to date you. That one opportunity to be something special to you. I would cherish every moment like I cherish every memory of us. I miss you. 

Thinking about you.