07.05.20
Story time. You always loved a story. To whoever reads this, here is the story of our first kiss.
You always intruiged me. We had this unexplained energy. Thats why its so special, thats why I can’t let go of you.
Friday.
I came in to help close up, your girlfriend left in your car and you asked me to take you home. I can see you were emotional so I messaged you as soon as you left my car. Telling you its ok and I was here for you, that weekend we admitted our feelings to eachother. That Sunday the night before work we spoke about the unexplained beautiful tension between us. You told me “tomorrow just know when I see you all I will be thinking of is kissing you” That was the first time I truly felt my heart skip a beat. I thought it would never happen but the thought gave me butterflies. I couldn’t stop smiling, I couldn’t wait to see you. Be in your presence.
The following Monday.
I have never been so nervous and excited to go into work. I found out weeks later you were axious about seeing me too. We spent the whole day cleaning, laughing and sharing secret stares and smiling. We had a playlist on and amost every song made us giggle in awkwardness at certain lyrics. After lunch I went to the cleaning cupboard and you walked in. We stood in silence and I got nervous as you came closer, I could feel your breath on my neck, you slowly turned your head and I said “you’ll regret this” and walked away. At the time my heart sank, I instantly regretted it. I text you after (although we were still in the same building) I told you how hard that was and how bad I wanted to kiss you but you’ve never cheated in your life and I didnt want you to regret me. The end of the day came and we went to test the lights. It was just us again. You sat down. I told you how bad I wanted to kiss you. How I have had butterflies all day at the thought. You said you couldnt resist me any longer and your tummy was in bits. You said you’ve already cheated by feeling this way towards me and that you’ve already said too much. It was already wrong. My nerves got worse. I felt sick, I called you over. Told you to give me a hug and we can leave. You walked over, our eye contact didnt break. I pulled you in and laid my head on your shoulder, you spun me around putting your back against the plant room door. I felt your head turn again, I felt your breath on my neck, then my lips. I said “you can’t” you then said “I have to” you you pulled me in and kissed me. What happened next I couldnt explain. This flushing butterflies feeling ran through my body. You then put your hand on the back of my neck, I grabbed your waist and this beautiful moment continued but it was over too quickly. It was mindblowing. The perfect kiss, the kiss that only happens in the movies. Despite the cercumstances, despite I knew you couldnt be mine, I wanted you from that moment on. It confirmed to me this is real.
The beautiful thing about us was we talked so much. Especially after big moments like this one and moments when nothing happened and we spends hours just talking, you’d get home and we’d both just be like woah, mindblown of what we felt, our energy, us. We always talked, we were always honest about our feelings but now I know your confused. I can tell you miss her. You said you need me as a “friend” because your head is not in the right place. I agree, I don’t want us when your head is unsure, I want you to want me. No matter how hard it is for me to not call you princess or say goodnight properly, no matter how hard it is for me to accept we have to go back to friendship. I will always be here for you. I got you. I promise.
I woke up today to a text from you saying it’s weird that I’m not going in with you. I wish it said I miss you. Today I felt slightly better, until now. It is 8 pm and I am thinking about you, too much. I am in my feelings but I am better than yesturday. As selfish as it is, I want you to miss me. To miss our bubble. Last week that was the case but since Friday night you’ve changed. We don’t speak like that anymore. You can’t, you aren’t ok, I know that. More than anything I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.
Thinking about you.
Always
