A Bright Spark

This Week’s Issues

-I place a high value on being able to express myself in clothes and appearance and its getting me down that I feel so unfeminine, or so unlike myself at work. No make up, hair in a beanie cos it gets messy otherwise, baggy shirts and work pants. I get home and feel the urge to dress up to feel like myself again. I dont know how to solve this, but I think maybe small make up (though one guy I spoke to, not a boss, just a co-worker, was all “no makeup at work!” but fuck that, I’ll do what I want).  I’ve been painting my nails again, though they get messed up and filthy and cracked by the end on monday. I plan on getting shorts which will allow me to wear my cool socks and get some leg out. Looking good makes me feel good. I dont care if other people think its frivolous or whatever. I also feel that I can’t properly articulate what I’m trying to say here without reverting to tropes. Who I am is partially created by how I present myself, so when I cant present myself how I want, I feel unlike myself. An example: When my hair is brown, I feel wretched, absolutely wretched, because thats not who I am or how I see myself. Having coloured hair makes me feel normal.

-I had so many moments this week where I just wanted someone to come up and help me, to carry the heavy thing, to do the hard job, so that everything didn’t have to be such a struggle. -Developed a wonderful habit of constantly comparing myself and my output to the other guys there, and I always think I’m not as good. I cant see my value. -The end of my three month probation period is approaching and I am terrified, even though its likely that if they wanted to be rid of me they wouldn’t wait until the end of the three months -The pressure to get my license is increasing, both from them and from myself. I’m doing my best ok

-I have a habit of telling or indicating to people that I am not good at something before they have a chance to judge for themselves. Am wondering if this is doing me harm, because they believe me, and I may not be right. Does this habit lead to people having no confidence in me?

1 Month In, Still Alive But My Nails Are Wrekt

-So I got a phone call the other day, and the place I did my pre-apprenticeship (certificate II in electrotechnology) has nominated me for a nonsense award. I understand “Apprentice of the Year“, but “Pre-Apprentice of the Year”? what the hell even is that? Maybe its because I gave them $5000 and only complained about it a little

-Hair problems: mid length bleached hair, working on a roof, gets hella knotty and gross. Thinking about cutting it short cos its annoying me and also because it will be easier to control. Head wraps, like hikers wear, would be perfect solution, to control my hair and keep ears warm.

-One thing that is a constant is learning whats genuinely hard, and whats just hard for me. If they can do it, then I have to be able to do it, even if it means finding another way. The problem comes when I spend ages struggling to do something because I think I should be able to do on my own, only to find out that no one can do it. I wont ask for help and sometimes I should.

-Learning to drive is hard, learning to drive manual is even harderer. I got to drive the work ute the other day (its an auto) and that went fine!

-Got to crimp some wires and help wire up inverters this week. Hopefully soon I’ll know what an inverter does

This week i learned about data cabling, ran cable through a building, watched my boss shock himself, had him comment on my bum, drove a ute, found a giant shit in a clients toilet, did a course of working in a harness, nearly slipped off a roof 10 times, and received my first pay slip as an apprentice. I get annual leave 

Things I have learned in my first week as a mature-age, female, electrical apprentice

-Buy kneepads

-Commercial sites are intense and they have to give you your own toilet, by law. This makes you feel very awkward.

-Walking into a breakroom full of dudes is intimidating

-Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Physically. Bending, pushing, pulling, holding, crouching.

-Being up high is AMAZING

-Feeling like you might fall off is not

-I’m gonna make my cable tray into a work of art

-Try to keep your tools and site organised as the day goes on

-Bring food. There may not be shops nearby. Bring stuff that doesn’t require heating because there might not be a microwave either

-Tile roofs suck

-Cement and brick dust are gross in your hair, wear a head covering of some kind

-Cut the bottom half off a stretchy top and wrap that around your head twice, like a headband to keep hair out of the way and mostly clean. Can also be used as face covering

-I’m getting pretty good with an angle grinder

-Gloves wont save nail polish from getting destroyed